What I Want

Hi love.

I'm trying to piece together what's been going on with me recently. And I realized something the other day. When I went looking for a therapist this summer, one of the things I wanted to look at was the fact that I couldn't see further than a few months ahead. It wasn't so much that I doubted I had a future, but my past had made it impossible for me to plan or even guess what it might look like. I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but that's changed. I'm thinking more long term. Not definite plans per se. But I'm prioritizing differently. It feels significant.

While my current emotional state is annoyingly complex, it can ultimately be boiled down to one thing- I'm still learning that I don't have to do what I don't want to do, and that what I want matters. That's the common thread in my realizations about relationship roles or living together. It's not so much that I don't want to serve you or live with you. I'm just still learning that I can actually do what I want. I don't need to accommodate others unconditionally. I can choose to live my personal life to suit my own needs, even if those are the same needs that I'm ashamed and angry to have in the first place.

I'm still not entirely comfortable having needs. I've compromised my own desires relationally and even sexually in the past, and it's brought me to places I don't like. I feel obligated to give people what they want. I'm terrified of disappointing people, because ultimately I'm terrified of rejection. I've been working through a bunch of old stuff recently. It's exhausting and unsettling, but I already feel it's worth it. I hope that feeling continues, because I'm not really sure when this will resolve.

I love you so much.

Clarity

Good morning!

I woke up today with clarity. My mood has been slowly improving. But today's the first time in a little while I actually feel clear headed. It's a relief.

I get insecure sometimes. I'm not a simple person. I've got baggage. But unfortunately, the same baggage that underpins my insecurities, also makes it unbelievably difficult for me to talk about them sometimes.

When I feel insecure or stressed I often fall into old patterns, specifically, into feeling like I'm not supposed to have feelings or needs. Particularly when I know you're stressed as well, I struggle with myself, with the internalized message that my problems aren't so bad, that I need to stop whining and just handle them, that I shouldn't need help, and I definitely shouldn't bother anyone. I feel this weird pressure to have no needs, to just be this pristine helper and healer. I want to fix all your problems, and have none of my own. Because that's how life works, right?

I'm ashamed of not having it together. Not of the cutesy humorous stuff, but of the real, my-mistakes-and-shortcomings-affect-other-people's-lives-negatively shit. I hate owning up to stuff because all my life I've been made to feel like my mistakes made me a terrible person. I know I don't have to. But it's hard to break that kind of conditioning.

I want to ask that if you're dealing with something, you let me know. If you can't listen to me sometimes because of your own life stuff, just tell me. It would be comforting to know I'm not an imposition. But I don't want to put all that on you.

I want to be a positive influence in your life. I want to be the one you come to when you're hurting or scared or angry. I want to do the same with you, but sometimes the words catch in my throat, and I'm not sure why. So I just strangle on them quietly, preferring not to bother you, thinking that if I'm stupid enough to have problems I deserve to deal with them alone. Completely illogical, but still so fucking embedded in my mind.

I love you! Thank you for working on facing these uncomfortable emotions with me. I know you tend to keep things in sometimes, too, for your own reasons. But when I see you face them and address them and give them words, I feel encouraged and so intimate with you. So I keep trying, too.

Words mean things

Good morning love!

I'm in a weird emotional state this morning. I've been struggling the last few weeks, trying to figure out what I want. This post may ramble some, but I'm feeling quite jumbled today.

Words mean things. This simple sentence explains huge portions of the fights I've had with you. When you used to engage with women online in a way where they behaved like your sub or slave, even if you felt ambivalent, even if there was almost no chance of you ever meeting, it hurt. Because words mean things to me. Those felt like relationships to me, even if they didn't to you.

I tend to fantasize quite a bit. I live a lot of my life in my head. When we make plans, even half-hearted ones, I can latch on and get very attached. It's not your fault. But when things fall through, like movies, or road trips, even if there are very good reasons and I cognitively understand, it still hurts me.

You've said before that you can see this being a forever relationship. As terrifying as it is to me, I can too. To me, this means I want to be mentioned to potential other partners. I've never had a conversation with someone and not mentioned you, or at least the fact that I'm in a committed long-distance relationship. If that's not a place you're at right now, I do understand. Distance is hard, and it's only been a year. I know I've been struggling recently, and talking about the different ways I see us. I wonder if maybe living together for you is part of the forever relationship. I know the assumptions I make aren't necessarily the only way to do things, or even the best way. I want to really talk about all of this with you, but I'm scared.

I'm noticing a hesitation to talk to you about emotional stuff right now. I'm really struggling with the vulnerability of being intimate with someone so far away. I'm learning to accept the fact that you might mean more to me than I do to you. Or maybe not, I don't really know.

I know I love you, and I know you love me too. Those words mean things, too.

Worthless, pt.2

Ugh, this word is still bouncing around my head.

I'm a lot more damaged that I realized. I'm starting to see that my diminished interest in sex and kink is directly tied to my struggle with feeling worthless and my lack of trust in general. I am feeling very uncomfortable with vulnerability. Sex can feel very vulnerable. With you it doesn't; or at least I'm comfortable enough with you that I don't mind feeling vulnerable. But submission really does.

The close of 2015 is making me think back over the year. And back further to 2014. I have made a lot of changes, mostly positive this year. But I started out in a very bad place. I had dropped out of grad school. I was emotionally unstable. I was broke, and technically homeless. I think one of the reasons I attached so strongly to you was that you genuinely wanted to know me, and liked me at a time when I didn't know or like myself. I had unrealistic expectations of you because for those first weeks and months you were like a savior to me. I worshipped you. Now that I've seen your flaws, I don't necessarily worship you anymore. But I know you, and I like you, and I love you more than anyone else in the world, flaws and all. I really want you to be happy.

I have no idea what my life or our relationship will look like in the future. My strong attachment to my own definitions of consent is very much tied to what I'm currently working through and trying to make sense of. I have ignored other people's opinions for much of my life because I know how easily swayed I can be by them. When I let someone get close to me, their opinion often starts to matter to me more than my own. I want to not need you, so that when I choose to love and serve you in whatever way I do, it will be truly consensual. I don't want to submit to please you so that I can feel validated. I want to be secure in myself so that however I'm showing my love to you is about who you actually are.

To summarize, I'm a mess but I love you.

Anniversary

I really miss you.

I'm not usually super into anniversaries. I like to remember them, to spend time focusing on the relationship, past, present, and future. But I'm not looking for gifts or fanfare.

This one highlights the fact that we're not together. And it really hurts. I really miss you.

We've been so stressed recently. And I just want to be there for you.

I love you.

1072 Miles

I couldn't fall asleep again after we talked last night. I felt so far away from you. We've been doing so very well, but I knew there would be difficult days. This is one of them.

I miss you. I'm anxious and I worry. I feel like everyone breaks up eventually and I wonder if that will happen to us. It's hard for me to believe there's a chance it won't. I know it seems like I have all the company here, but they really don't help when I miss you. And that's disappointing because I'm realizing on some level that's why I have them. Which maybe isn't the best for them, either.

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing so well, but then I wonder if that's just in contrast to how I used to be. Which isn't to say it's not valuable. But I still have a way to go towards feeling healthy and well.

I love you. I'm feeling each of the 67,921,920 inches separating us right now. And it really hurts.

Worthless

Good morning my love.

I had a weird experience with B last weekend. It brought to light the fact that I don't really trust him. I've known for a while that he can't tell the difference between when I'm feeling pleasure or pain. He typically errs on the positive, believing I'm enjoying myself even if I'm not. I really don't think this is malicious in any way. Just immature. He lives like someone who hasn't fucked up enough to know what to look for. But this ignorance, combined with my insecurities around rejection, has lead to some situations that have damaged my trust.

I'm trying to work through things. I know that in some ways at least blame is shared. I also know I tend to be very hard on myself, and want to try to remain balanced. I'm anxious about how to bring this up to B. How much to share to allow for growth from this, instead of more damage.

But more than any of that, I spent the week disoriented and numb. I was shaken by just how much my issues have impacted my perspective and my actions. I've been thinking I've been doing so well, and in many ways that's true. I've come very far. But this week, I realized there's still a part of me that feels worthless. There's still a part that doesn't dare voice what I really want for fear of rejection. It's paralyzing and it's lead me to allow some unhealthy expectations of myself and my relationships.

I'm not sure how this plays out. I'm not sure where resolution will come from. For now, I am accepting it. It just is. I feel lighter knowing about it, like I was so ashamed of being ashamed that I hid it from myself to protect myself. I'm actively tuning in to myself, like I did when you and I started dating, trying to figure out what I want and asking for it. I hate how easy it is for me to ignore what's going on inside my head.

For whatever reason, my relationship with you doesn't seem to have been affected as much by this round of self-discovery. You and I have had our fair share of issues. But ultimately they've forced me to be very genuine and immediate with you. All of our shared crazy has helped me learn how to handle these things with you. Thank you for being supportive when you're able, and being willing to be uncomfortable and in pain along side me. Thank you for growing with me. Thank you for being the one person I can share this with, without shame or fear, when I couldn't even do that with myself. I love you more than I could ever say.

I really love you

Good morning love.

I just woke up. Spontaneously fully awake. And you had messages me just a few minutes before, loving me and wishing we could have talked. I had fallen asleep with the lights on, my phone in my hands, and my arms wrapped around a pillow. But I fell asleep thinking about you, feeling so very loved.

I was poking around online and read a line from Pablo Neruda

But I love your feet
only because they walked
upon the earth an upon
the wind and upon the waters,
until they found me.

And I started thinking about how some people are into foot worship. And while I think it's gross, and you'd be ticklish and uncomfortable, I love your feet, too! I would love on them if you wanted me too.

In my last entry I mentioned that I'm questioning if I'm really submissive. And I am still questioning. But there's no doubt in my mind that I love you, and that I genuinely love serving you because you love it.

I mentioned on our date (which I probably shouldn't have, I don't actually remember all of that night) that I'd realized why I react so strongly in some situations with you. It's a complex reaction really, with layers from different times, and different emotions. Ultimately, I'm absolutely terrified of losing you. I love you so very much. But I fear not being good enough. I worry that if I say no to something, you'll love me less. In part, this fear is from when you cheated. But that reaction has held on strongly, because the roots were already there. Not being good enough has been a theme of the love I've experienced for much of my life. And it feels normal for me to jump back there. I can imagine this seems very sudden and illogical to you, but it's unfortunately quite a natural place for me to be. I don't expect you to do anything with this information. But I hope knowing it will make those moments less overwhelming for both of us.

Right now, I'm grateful for the separation. I hate it, but I see how useful it is in forcing me to truly own myself. I try very hard to blame you for things, but that's more difficult to do with you so far away. And I can no longer worry that your interest is purely sexual, or that you'd find someone better and lose interest in me. Part of it is that I'm growing as a person. But much of it is due to the fact that we can still choose to love each other well, even when the apparent benefits of this relationship have dwindled somewhat. I love you!

Power and Independence

I've been thinking a lot about power exchange recently. I realized that I have never felt a desire to submit to anyone but you. And that makes me think I'm not a submissive. I love you, and want to make you happy. But the idea of me serving as your slave on day is losing luster. My focus is shifting towards myself and fulfilling my own desires. And I'm realizing that's not one of them. I dream of living alone. I'm enjoying the freedom of coming and going as I please, without the all too familiar tug of codependent guilt pulling me towards someone. I'm seeing how blurred my boundaries become when I'm so close to someone; I'm viewing the fear that motivates those displays of "love", melding desire and insecurity into neediness. It's exhausting.

I'm seeking balance. I want the reason AND the passion. I'm tired of swinging wildly between the two. I need the physical separation. I hated it, and still do some days. But I need it, to remind myself that I am I, and you are you. I don't want to love you simply because I've bled so much of myself into you. I want to see you, you know you, and to love you, with or without me.

This may not be forever. Things rarely are, especially feelings and dreams. But this is where I am now. I love you.

Rope

As I was falling asleep last night, I was thinking over our conversation. At one point you said something about how rope could be used for many different things. And my silly brain started thinking of my relationships here as ropes. But where you're afraid they'll tie me to this place, that's really not how I'm using them. Right now, I'm not worried about that. Instead I'm making a net. Because my biggest fear is that this won't work out. That I'll try my hardest, but still come crashing back here. And they're what will keep me from hitting too hard, if that's what happens.

I think it says something about us, that our biggest fear is not being together.

I love you so very much!

I love you!

Good morning baby! I  hope you're still asleep, but I wanted to comment on your journal.

I love you so very much.

In your section about "Insecurities" you mentioned feeling a fear that our intimacy will be lessened. I feel the same fear. I think it has to do with the fact that, because of distance, our intimacy looks very different now. And it requires us to be more deliberate in maintaining it. I don't think that's illogical at all. But I do know you and I have been really committed to building that intimacy despite the distance. That's why I feel that exhilaration after you do things like call me out or share your anxiety. The conversation itself is uncomfortable, but the increase in intimacy with you is like a drug. I always want more of that.

Also, I don't see comparing relationships as hugely problematic. Comparing people can be judgmental and hurtful, because it's putting yourself in a place where you're saying one or more humans should be different to suit your expectations. That's just weird. But relationships aren't people. They're a connection that you were largely responsible for creating, building, and changing or ending. Comparing relationships can be very useful in figuring out what you want, what you don't, what behaviors or words make you feel important, loved, and safe, and which ones do the opposite. Your observations about your previous relationships are super helpful for me to learn what's important to you (like sex, active listening, and respect) and what's feels damaging or stifling to you. I know with S comparing the relationship might essentially just be judging her as a person right now, because you're emotional. The ending of that is very immediate, and it's ok to struggle with that. But as you've said, you're friends with most of your ex's. Comparing relationships with them clearly doesn't mean you hate them as people. It just means you're able to see at this point what works for you and what doesn't. And what works for you is so insanely important to me.

Also, I'm becoming more away of how things have changed and are changing because of us becoming long distance. I knew it would be a big adjustment, but I'm realizing the first couple things I'm seeing change are, 1) you're reacting to my other experiences and people differently, and 2) we're having to give more time towards talking about how we're doing emotionally. I think in some ways, drastically changing our relationship dynamic (again) could be really helpful. We both started this with no real healthy experience in poly. We've learned so much in the last 10 months, and I feel like this is giving u the chance to sort of review. I'm looking back over our relationship, and seeing what I like, what I don't, what I've read about and want to see more of, etc. And I think you are, in some ways, too. And I like that. I feel like I'm mentally transitioning from having this be a fun experiment, to really wanting to figure out goals for my and our future within the constructs of poly. I have ideals that I shoot for, not with the expectation I'll hit them, but with the hope I'll be able to see my actions and events within the context of who I want to be for myself and for you. As an example, I think we've both expressed an interest in wanting at least some amount of conversation with other partners to be available. And the knowledge that you share that value is changing how I'm making decisions about whether or not/how to go forward with M (new guy from Saturday).

I really really love you alot.

Fear and Love

I have lived most of my life in fear. It's the defining emotion and motivator of my nearly 3 decades on this planet. And it's been closely tied to love for most of that time.

Growing up, the love my parents presented was from themselves and from their religion. Both loves were tied to fear. Both loves were called unconditional, but were described with conditions. I was always terrified of fucking up, terrified of not deserving the love, of losing it. And I was right to be. SO many parts of me, from my queerness, my inquisitiveness, my competitiveness, weren't "right", needed to be eradicated, so that I could be loved. So I did it. I was taught early on, if I was messed up and not deserving of the love I wanted, it was up to me to remove the offending aspects of myself, regardless of how much it hurt to do so. I ended up fractured, scattered.

My ex brought a new version of fear and love. I spent years thinking I needed to help him, to fix him. I somehow thought it was possible. If I failed, he would get angry, and say horrible things. If I failed, he would threaten me and try to hurt me, or even kill me. If I failed, he would kill himself. If I failed, none of that mattered, anyway, because a failure doesn't deserve to be loved, so why keep living? Again, fear and love, tied together so tightly I have to force myself not to type inextricably linked. Because I can't believe it's inextricable.

With you, the fear is there. There's fear of loss, of pain. And much of it is warranted. I've been hurt, by others, by you. And to love is to risk almost unbearable pain. But I'm becoming aware of how detrimental this fear is. How much it limits me. How sneakily it works to push you away. My jealousy is mostly insecurity, but it often plays out as emotional self-harm. I push you, damage us, to ensure that any pain I suffer is of my own making. I'm desperate to not be rejected. I want to feel like I'm controlling it. But I can't.

In some ways, staying with you, fighting for our relationship, is the biggest act of submission possible for me. It's imperfect, and sometimes I still fight for control. But ultimately, I'm giving you the ability to hurt me. I'm working hard not to try to take over for the false sense of security it brings. I want to trust you with my everything. Little by little, I want to give you my fear. In some ways these bizarre emotional outbursts are just that. With my family, my faith, my ex, I never expressed this fear. Not once. Because to be aware of the fear made me feel automatically unworthy of the love. You fucking terrify me. And every time I tell you that, every time I scream it in your face, know that what I'm actually doing is trusting you with the idea that sometimes I don't feel worthy of being loved. I'm trusting you to show me again that I'm wrong. I love you so very much. Fear is a weird gift for someone you love, but that's what I'm giving you.

What I Want

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I thought I wasn't handling this well...

I was feeling guilty for dropping this on you this morning. I was going to write an apology. But then I re-read my last three posts. And I realized, I've been feeling uncomfortable with this girl since you first mentioned her to me. And so far, you really haven't done anything to help me with that.

Sure, I've had realizations that have helped me. But you haven't been helpful. You haven't actively sought to build my trust with this. You mention her to me, I have trust issues and freak out, I resolve it. And again this week- you mention her to me, I have trust issues and freak out, and instead of resolving it on my own, I decided to ask for help. I'm sorry that the asking for help resulted in an unexpected emotional outburst. But quite frankly, you've done nothing to help me feel better about you and this girl since this happened the last time. I know you're busy. I know you have other things going on. But if you want me to trust you, you have to put in the work. I've told you exactly what I need from you. And this is the first time you might actually have virtually met someone you could see something happening with. So why do you think you can drop this information on me casually, not offering the information I've asked for (and you agreed to) to help me cope, and expect me to cope well?

I don't know how else to do this. I don't know what else you want. I want to get to a place where I can glow with compersion, where I can be happy you're getting what you need. And I know I can get to that place, because I've been there before. A few days before the trust that was necessary for that to happen was smashed. I'm trying to do what I can to tell you what's going on with me. I'm trying to give you ideas on what I need from you to rebuild this. I can't rebuild alone. You don't get trust and submission without earning it. I've given you opportunities. I've told you when I'm uncomfortable and why. Yet somehow this same situation with the same girl happened twice in the space of a month. And you did the exact same things. And I refuse to feel guilty for having the exact same reaction. 

I definitely understand why you like this girl. She's sweet, cute, attractive. But I needed that information before you exchanged numbers and talked fantasies and relationship expectations. Or right when it happened. I don't like that she doesn't want you talking about your other partners with her, to me that screams denial. I don't like that you talked about pushing a hard limit with her. I don't like that I'm pretty sure she'd be uncomfortable with the fact that I read those messages and saw those photos when she doesn't want to know I exist. Honestly, if you can't tell the other people you're talking to that you've agreed to let me read your conversations, check out their profiles, or potentially even contact them myself, I don't think you should be talking to them. I don't think you thought about your conversations with her in light of the agreements you made with me, and that's very troubling. 

I love you. So very much. But I need you to pay a little more attention to what you're doing. 

Jumbled

Good evening! I love you. I'm a little tipsy, so I'm not as eloquent as always. But here's what I've been thinking about.

I'm really struggling with you leaving. Let me start by saying I know you're doing nothing wrong. You told me about this from the beginning, and I loved you anyway. You don't need to change anything. But this really hurts. Sometimes I feel like you're abandoning me. I keep thinking about how this might be the last time in a long time that I feel like my whole self is in one place. And it hurts. I would never ask you to stay. Your life is there now. But god, I wish you could stay.

I'm really scared about what happens next. Not right away. But eventually. I'm going to have to make some big decisions. And whatever I pick, I'm going to deal with some major losses. And I'm scared.

This grief is bringing up some feelings about when you cheated. I guess it makes sense. The biggest fear now, just like then, was that I was missing out. The part of me that's scared of being abandoned is remembering when you gave away pleasure you had promised me. Not my pleasure. Yours. But you said I could have it. It still hurts sometimes. I still want it, even though it's gone.

And that brings me to my final point. I know I said I'd love you even if we weren't kinky. And I will. But I miss it. I really fucking miss being yours. And the thing is, I'm still yours. I'm just waiting for you to figure out how to take me. You've consistently sought submission while shying away from responsibility. Sometimes I think you chose to take other people's submission before mine because you'd feel less guilty about not providing for them. But that's not an option with me. So whenever you figure out how to be my Sir, I'm here. I'm waiting. You can take me. You don't have to ask. But you better be sure you can handle it. I used to ask you what I could expect from you. Now I know what I expect, at least a little. I believe you are going to be able to give it to me. Until then, I'll wait. I love you.  I really, really do.

Fucking Emotions

Good morning, love.

After taking some time, the real cause of my emotional reaction has become more and more clear. I've talked to you about some of this already. But essentially it's not that I feel I'm owed something. It's just that I've put so much of myself into this relationship, and I'm scared that when you leave, I'm going to lose it.

I love you so much. There are going to be other girls (and guys) who want to serve you, who share your fantasies, who arouse your mind and body. But I can't imagine serving anyone else. I know it might seem like I'm the one with all the partners, the freedom to explore. But really, you're irreplaceable to me. That's not to say that I'm not irreplaceable to you. It's just that your sex with other people might look alot like your sex with me. And that's scary sometimes. Even though I know the sex isn't the same as the relationship.

You are my Dom, my Sir, my Master. You always have been. I can't imagine a time when you won't be. We may not engage in a power exchange, but the power is still there. You have it. It's absolutely terrifying, but you do.

I love watching you get stronger as yourself. Telling people who you are instead of letting them tell you who you should be. It struck me the other day that one of the most repeated conversations we had while I was your slave was around what I could expect from you. You couldn't tell me. You didn't know. That's becoming less and less true, and it's so beautiful.

I love you. I'm scared of all the things that means, all the ways it could impact my life, but I love you anyway. And I'm not going to stop.

Delayed Reaction

Well, that was unexpected. I think I sort of prepped myself for your "update" yesterday. I know how sensitive you can be to my reactions, and I don't want to throw you off from pursuing experiences that will make you happy. But the real reaction came this morning. Like a zamboni.

I'm still really angry. Not about the betrayal so much. But I feel like I paid for something I didn't get. And hearing that you're talking about giving it to someone else who didn't pay nearly as much is really hurtful. And it's pissing me the fuck off.

As your slave, I pushed myself hard. I kept schedules, did chores I dislike, focused on you before myself. I faced past trauma, fears, and things I don't understand or that I find pretty gross. And I was open. I wanted to give you whatever I could to make you happy. This included a rape scene. I was pretty excited about it, too. But it still scared me. I agreed to not one, but two of my soft limits for you in the space of the scene. I let myself enter into subspace for the first and only time. I gave you everything.

I didn't get what I paid for. I didn't get to try my new things. Maybe you were feeling our lack of connection at that point, but that's on you. But the gifts I had so carefully selected and wrapped and presented at great cost to myself went unopened and unused. I didn't get to share my subspace with you, either. I was your slave, but you weren't my Master. I was your victim, but you weren't my rapist. I didn't get what I paid for.

I'm still pretty emotional. So I'm trying not to make sweeping statements demanding what I deserve before you give it to anyone else. But I will remind you I need to "meet" this person before you do anything with her.

I thought I was more over this. And in many ways I am. But I'm losing you, and I hate it. Because you're bringing so much of me with you. And dammit, I want what I paid for.

Your Fantasy

Good morning!

Just catching up on some of your messages, and I noticed you brought up the fantasy of having a dinner party where your girl serves you and then becomes dessert. I wanted to let you know, that one is actually pretty important to me. That's one you shared with me a long time ago, when we were first dating. Looking back, I think it was how you gauged my interest in BDSM. My reaction was anxiety. I didn't know you well, I was still learning to trust you, and I didn't feel in control of my relationship with you. But at the same time, I was falling for you. So this fantasy of your is tied to that time in my life, for me.

I confess, hearing you talk about it with another girl, even one you will almost certainly never meet, brought up a similar anxiety. I wanted to claim that fantasy as mine. But it isn't mine. It's yours. And then I realized, if you ever make that fantasy a reality, I DO want to be involved. But it doesn't actually matter to me what capacity I'm involved in. Maybe there's two slaves. Maybe I'm a guest, or cohost with you. Maybe you're really mean and tie me in a corner and don't let me play. Doesn't matter. I don't have to be the center of your fantasy. I just want to be involved in your life. I want to be there to see your face as you watch this fantasy play out. I want to see your happiness, your lust, your fulfillment. That's the part I'm jealous of. The rest doesn't matter.

I love you very very much.

On a related note, I am interested in group scenes, particularly those involving consensual non-consent. It would probably take some work before I'd be ready to do it without having a panic attack. But I've often fantasized about being tied to a bed and blindfolded and having people come in and fuck me and leave, or going to a play party and being used by multiple people at once, or even borrowed your service fantasy on occasion :)

more fantasies

Hello again!

Just so you know, anal training and stretching is a particular fetish of mine. I know there's a moderate amount of risk, depending on how you do it. And I'm not great at it at all. But I LOVE watching it, and would be very proud of myself if I could accomplish something like that. I would absolutely love to have you help me work on that if you'd like.

Also, I'd love to be tied down tight and tickled. I'd hate it and probably need to be gagged, but it would be alot of fun. Especially if you went back and forth, tickling and hitting and teasing. Hitting me until I can't stand it and switching to tickling, until I can't stand that and I'm begging to go back to being hurt. 

It would be fun. Just saying. 

Trust Revisited

I've been questioning why this has been so hard for me to get past. And I think I know the answer.

I'm no longer upset about what you did. I could fairly easily perform the things you did with her, without a strong emotional reaction. I know you're sorry for the rules you broke and the people you hurt. I know you don't want to do that again.

But I don't trust you to tell me if you did.

I can't tell you how different things would have been if you'd managed to tell me even one little part of this because you wanted me to know. But you didn't. You let me find all of it. And to me, that says so much about our relationship. It says you're a coward. You couldn't face up to what you'd done, or be honest with me. It says you're not happy with who you are. You couldn't deal with your own insecurity. It says you don't trust me. You don't believe yourself when you say you do. It says you don't take your own words seriously. So why would I agree to live by them?

This is it. This is why I continue to struggle. This is why I struggle most with what I don't have access to. This is why I hate when you use Craigslist or POF or any other dating sites I don't have the login for. Because if you fucked up again, I don't think you'd be honest with me.

I don't expect you to be perfect. I demand that you be honest. If you'd prefer to keep a little more separate, we can do that. But I refuse to allow lies or covering things up.

I'm starting to feel internal pressure to keep tabs on your online activities. This is getting to a point where I'm concerned, particularly because you seem so welcoming of it. I worry that you're enjoying having me as your conscience. That's a big responsibility for me.

I love you. I'm realizing that it's not your actions, but your lies and our relationship that is still damaged. This will affect how I react to new people, but I don't want to deny you specific activities, though I had talked about that before. I do expect you to tell me what I need to know (as opposed to just what you want to tell me) and I will do the same. If it helps, I need to know-

• Who you're talking to (if it's repeated or sexual)
• Who you are planning to meet (before a date is set if at all possible)
• Who you're thinking of having a relationship with BEFORE you start (this includes online, using words like Dom, sub, Master, slave, etc. If the submissive uses the word Sir, I don't need to know unless you're talking to them repeatedly or planning to meet or have a relationship. If you order them to call you Sir, I want to know. If you tell them you're considering them, would like to own them one day, giving them rules or protocols, etc. this counts as thinking of having a relationship.).
• What sexual/submissive acts you're thinking of having them do, together or separately (this includes non-sexual service, requesting naked photos, having protocols around when or how they contact you, what they call you, etc.)
• If you feel uncomfortable telling me about it- TELL ME! That probably means I need to know.

As always, please don't do anything we haven't done before without explicitly talking to me first. 

Just for clarity, you haven't given me access to your yahoo or gchat. I find it on your computer. That access will go when you do, and I'd prefer to not be used to checking it at that point. 

Fantasies- Part 1

Good afternoon!

Just a reminder, all of these would require a decent amount of conversation first. Some would require a stronger relationship than we have right now.

Needles and knives are a soft limit for me. But something I realized recently is that, for me, soft limits are also goals. I would love to be tied down tight, and have you poke needles through the soft underside of my upper arm. All in a row. Or into my breasts. Or through my nipples. I still think about getting them pierced. I wonder if letting you be the one to pierce them would be enough fun to make waiting for them to heal worth it. Or making a row down my inner thighs. Like you're preparing to hem me, to make me just the right size to fit you.

I also like the idea of tacks. In a bra to jab at my breasts. Or inside of whatever you used to bind me, to keep me from wiggling while you spank me or tease me.

I read somewhere about someone putting steel wool pads in their slave's bra and making her wear it.

I'm curious about being cut. The places I think about are again the underside of my upper arms, or my inner thighs. Not deep. Just a little slice of red. Even the thought makes me heady.

I have a fantasy where you plug my ass with something big enough to be uncomfortable. You make me crawl down the stairs, into the bathroom, into the tub. You have me lay on my back with my feet in the air, resting my plugged ass on the shower wall. Then you make me pee on myself, so it gets in my face and hair.

I'd like to try figging again, or some other kind of "chemical" reaction.

I love the idea of being brought to a party, blindfolded, and used by whomever you decided. Giving you my limits to watch, giving you my safety, my choice, and just seeing how you choose to have me used.

I'm curious about maybe setting aside a time to really push each other. To try some more extreme things and see what happens. It may be a terrible idea. But I like the thought of it. Seeing what out limits actually feel like to each other. I think it's something we've both been questioning, though I'm not sure if we're really ready to find out or not.

Writing about Fantasies

Good afternoon!

I've been thinking of changing this blog to a fantasy blog. Maybe not always, but to give you an idea of what I fantasize about. Just some ground rules.

• Just because I talk about a fantasy, doesn't change my limits. I still want to talk about it before we do it. 
• Humiliation and control stuff may not happen for a while. Many of those fantasies would require me to be able to get into a submissive mindset, and I don't see that happening for a while. 
• Pain kinks would be really fun to explore! 

And that's about it! 

I hope you enjoy reading them. I'd love to talk about them more. My hope is that you'll realize what I actually like to think about, even if it's not stuff I always bring up in daily conversation. 

Deliberate

Good morning.

I was thinking a lot about our conversation a few days ago. About how your actions with D seemed deliberate. I was able to come to some realizations that I hope will help you understand where I'm coming from.

You and I had rules. You showed your knowledge of those rules by feeding me half-truths that followed them, and making suggestions about how to follow those rules, like me meeting D, or us making a list of what I was ok with you doing with her. You then proceeded to break those rules.

I'm here to tell you- this was the definition of deliberate.

When I spoke to you the other day, I called that rule breaking "deliberate", a word I borrowed from my conversation with D. You got upset, and stated that it wasn't. The word seemed to provoke a very emotional reaction, and you expressed feeling like it wasn't deliberate.

We've talked before about the various ways we're fucked up. I've definitely alienated certain of my traits and emotions to better suit the life I felt pressured to live. I know what it's like to struggle to bring them back into myself.

Even if it didn't feel deliberate, it was. That's what deliberate feels like. You've talked to me before about ways you know you're not doing well. And I'll do what I can to call you on your shit. But here's the thing- only you can keep this from happening again. You need to take a look at this.

The reason I'm so uncomfortable with you dominating anyone is the fact that, despite all this, you felt like you couldn't help this. Like you couldn't stop it. So both myself and D got hurt. Because, guess what? We allowed you to take control over us, and you couldn't even control yourself.

Until you can learn to control yourself, I will never be comfortable with you taking control from anyone. Power exchanges of any kind are off the table. This is the crux of the lack of trust I have for you. I can't heal from the pain and fear that you'll do something intentionally to hurt me while knowing that this didn't feel intentional to you. It's simply not possible.

I love you. I don't want to hurt you.

Trust

Good morning.

Trust isn't coming back as easily as I'd hoped. I'm still snooping, still feeling left out, still not trusting that you're doing the right thing. Most of me is normal, mostly unaffected. I still feel like a valuable human, good at my job, I know you love me. But my submissive side is absolutely shattered. I'm broken. I feel like I gave you everything I possibly could, and you still sought out other people to fantasize and practice with. I've explored fisting a little. I really like what I've done, and would love to try more with you. (And just for clarification, I was unaware that's what was happening at the time. He didn't tell me till after I came how much of his hand was in me). I would LOVE to be anally trained, even to the point of being able to take a fist. When did you stop talking to me? When did you stop telling me your fantasies? When I told you about my rape fantasies was probably the most close to any person I have ever felt. I've been fantasizing about so many things in the past months, but haven't shared them with you. Maybe I should have spoken up first. But I guess neither of of really felt safe. For my part, I'm sorry.

Today I decided to read your conversations with FDI. She seems so sweet, and great, and I'm glad you have had a friend. While there are minor pangs of jealousy, she actually seems really good for you. But in reading your messages to her, especially around the first week of last month, I have to ask a really terrifying question.

Did you cheat on me to get me to break up with you so you could give your marriage another try?

When I started talking to you, before we even met, I had two thoughts about you and me. The first was the belief that we would be temporary, that we would end when you moved back to the midwest. That's changed somewhat throughout the relationship, with times I'm sure I'm going to follow you, and times I'm certain I'll stay. But when we started, I believed that would be the end of us. The second was a decision I made with myself, that I would never knowingly get between you and S. Even when you were talking about splitting, even as you decided to divorce, even when I realized that I was a catalyst to that decision, I still never believed that I was between you two. I influenced your life, but you made your own decision. I'm concerned that you have put me between you, in a role I never agreed or intended to play. I need you to decide what you want. I personally believe that, while the two of you maybe have some unfinished business, the likelihood of forever for you two is minimal. When you first started talking about divorce, your timeline was 3-5 years. I believe that shows great insight. But at the same time, you and I have built our lives around the idea that people can heal and change. I'm not asking you to predict the future. But I need to know, where you stand now, that I'm not what's keeping you from trying again. I love you, but I refuse to be that for you.

This Hurts

I'm tired. And not completely sober. But sober enough.

I've had this fantasy for a while. Where you force me to pee on myself. It's really hot. There's more to it than that, but why bother with details now. A part of me REALLY wants to do it with you. But then I think about how you made her drink her own pee. And I cringe and cry. And I can't stop. My body convulses trying to keep my heart from being ripped out. But you're not even here. No one is touching me. Somehow I still feel the fingers clawing at my chest. Everything you did with her, figging, sandpaper, writing on her body, brings up these overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. It's like I'd be following her, instead of you. And I can't bear it. I like the idea of them in general. I'm really disappointed I can't fantasize about them or plan to do them without this deep ache in my chest. Because I would've liked that. And now I can't picture ever being ok with any of it. I hate the idea of you doing it with anyone else, and I can't imagine being ok with it myself. I wish I could.

I'm not the one who fucked up. In monogamy, it's often shared blame. Not excusing cheating. Just saying, a great relationship rarely has cheating. We should always own our own shit. But this wasn't about me. It wasn't about us at all, was it? It was about your ex.

And despite knowing that. Despite knowing you fucked up, because you're fucked up from your relationship with someone else I still feel…

Empty
Broken
Worthless
Not good enough
Alone

And I don't know what to do with it.

I feel like I wasn't submissive enough. I was too much work. I was too hesitant, too scared, required too much effort. She was easy. She submitted naturally, flawlessly, without hesitation. And I hate it.

One of my biggest fears in thinking about trying to do this again someday, is that I'm not good enough. Though I crave to be yours, you'll find someone who is more easily yours, and won't want me anymore. And that thought is unbearable to me.

I know it's not true. But I feel it as deeply as if it was. This is the reality of my soul, even if it's not what my brain knows to be true.

I crave to be taken deeper. I have no desire to walk that path with anyone else. But I also cannot walk it with you. I am paralyzed.

I'm considering a somewhat drastic request. I want it to be a conversation. But I think my reasoning is sound. I'm thinking about asking you not to take on another sub until you have trained me. I don't know when I'll be ready for that, or how it will happen, or what it would look like. All I know is you've told submissive strangers you have experience in daily control, and are willing to train. I want to be poly. But I question whether I would be able to handle you training someone else before me. I could have before this. But only just barely. And this has shattered my sense of security with you. I'm not sure it's stable enough to withstand you being with another submissive.

I'm willing and even excited to go some pretty dark places. I'd need your support and patience. I'm working to ensure I'm setting limits according to my own needs, not to try to keep you from finding someone better. We share a surprising amount of fantasies. I'm curious to see if our lines are similar when it comes to making these fantasies real.

As always, I love you.

Predator

Another shitty morning.

So, not only did you cheat, you've been in the habit of breaking our rules. Rules you set. Rules you agreed to. And just hoping I wouldn't find out. 

Most recently, the rule you broke wasn't one I asked for for myself. I asked you to always check that you're not damaging or re-traumatizing already traumatized young women. This is not for me, but for them and for you. You failed miserably. 

I read a journal entry on Fetlife by _Raine_ about predators. Let's see how many of these traits and behaviors you have, shall we?

• Manipulative
• well, you cheated and lied, lied about how often you use terms like Master, slave, and make people call you Sir, and continue to try to meet women even when we're trying to deal with this shit
• Going for young, inexperienced, and vulnerable
• she was 18, lonely, and had clearly low self-esteem. You, a 31 year old stranger, chose to tell her she deserved to be raped and abused by her ex boyfriend. You let your insecurities and bullshit be more important than the health and well-being of a teenager. That's predatory if I ever heard it. 
• Refusing to respect boundaries
• You clearly hold our rules and guidelines with little to no regard
• Attempting to isolate
• not too bad about this one
• Sudden fits of agression and rage
• mostly me these days, but I think I'm allowed, considering
• Refusing to take responsibility
• every time I ask why, it's never your fault. You're scared because this happened, you're sad because of that person. Bullshit. Own your own shit. It's not my problem, your ex-wife's problem, and it certainly isn't some poor teenager's problem. 
• Victim blaming
• You told me that teenager wanted it. Nope. Nope. Nope. (lied about that too, didn't you? Said you were cautious about the religion humiliation, didn't bother telling me you told her she was worthless)
• Lack of empathy
• You cry when you start thinking of yourself. You hate seeing me in pain. YOU hate it. Fucker. 

So, you're well on your way to being a predator. I can forgive cheating, but this?

You have a daughter. 1 in 4 girls are sexually assaulted just like that poor teenager. When it's her turn, or one of her friends, what happens then? Whose side do you take? You've taken the side of the man who abused me. You've said some people deserve that. He said the same. 

You are not healthy. You are a sex addict who views people as commodities for his own pleasure. You don't seem to mind breaking them down to self-harming people who can't get out of bed in the morning. You're hurting, and it's your problem. I can't believe how much I love you. And I have no idea how to proceed. 

Humiliation and Punishment

Good morning, Sir.

Sometimes my emotions!

Ok, to start, I have almost no reaction to you having her go pantiless or with a buttplug. I've done both for you, and on my own.

The sandpaper thing- that hurts, and not in the way you'd think. You've brought it up a few times, and as a result, I've been working up to it. I knew it was a fantasy of yours, one I didn't think you'd done before. I really wanted to be the one you did that with. Depending on the activity, most to all of my motivation comes from how turned on it gets you. When you make your list, keep in mind that the things you really want to do, even if they terrify me, I really want to do. It's not about the action, Sir. even if I hate it, the satisfaction of knowing I fulfilled your fantasy will make it impossible to be a true punishment. If we had made the list, this one would have been one I'd have asked for, for exactly that reason.

And please, please, tell me if you're making a profile for someone else. I would never tell you not to. But you being the only one who has access to my profile is almost sacred to me. Words like Master and slave and Sir came with such great difficulty for me, it's hard to see them thrown around about someone else without warning.

Here's my starter list:

Punishments

• sandpaper (even more so now. to have to follow after some slut you barely know and aren't even that interested in would make this emotionally painful and humiliating for me.)
• crawling with my legs tied or taped
• kneeling on rice
• anything that punctures the skin (blood is a tough one for me, but that almost makes this more fascinating to me. simply because it's so difficult)
• tacks 
• knives
• needles
• being peed on
• being used as furniture for longer than a few minutes
• repeatedly being slapped in the face
• making me beg for things I don't want
• keeping me in suspense about what you're going to do, right up until you do it, or even while you're doing it using sensory deprivation. my mind is a terrifying place (this could potentially be punishment, depending on what you're actually doing)

Funishments

• Spanking
• predicament bondage
• being left alone while immobilized and/or blindfolded
• figging
• ice
• nipple play
• tickling
• going pantiless
• wearing butt plugs
• masturbating in a private area of a public place
• wearing a discreet vibrator in public
• choking, breath play
• electric play
• hair pulling
• making me sit in a corner (could be punishment if combined with other things, like how I'm sitting, etc)

Rewards

• making out (by itself. during painful play it's just distracting)
• massages
• touching and cuddling
• ice cream
• being told I'm a good girl
• receiving oral sex
• wax play
• making you laugh

It's a start, at least. 

I'm an idiot sometimes. I set down lines I don't really want. I try to maintain a little control, even when I know I don't need to. I love you, Sir, and I'm sorry to drag you into my crazy once again. I hope this journal helps make sense of the things that my overwhelming emotions can make so fucking blurry. 

I love you, Sir. 

I am not a Domme

Good morning, Sir.

I learned a hard lesson today. I am not a Domme. At least not right now. I'm still a switch. I'm still interested in topping. But I don't know how to be a Domme, and I'm not sure I want to.

I had a sub, Sir. She made me want to be a Domme, for a little while. She sparked that in me. But today, she also helped me realize that isn't who I am. At least not yet. I don't know how to build trust. I don't know how to lead, to accept control. I'm not a Domme.

I hope she and I can stay friends. I still hope to top her one day. But I don't have Domme in me right now. It hurts, but I'm working through it.

I love you, Sir. I love being your slave. I love learning about your twisted fantasies. I love accepting them, exploring them, seeing if they latch on and grow in me. I'm learning to let go, and not want to be your everything. Or at least not expect to be.

I hold myself to much too high of a standard. I no longer fear mistakes, but failure still hurts. I know I'm not perfect at everything. But dammit, I want to be able to do all of it imperfectly! My silly brain doesn't like to admit when it finds a limit. It would much rather run full speed ahead off the cliff than just admit I can't fly and keep my feet on the ground. But limits are as natural as gravity. And I have them, Sir.

I love you, Sir. Thank you for seeing my limits often more clearly than I do.

I Am Exhausted

Good evening, Sir.

I am exhausted. Yesterday, and the weeks leading up to it, have been so draining. I have so little left. But I am yours.

The echoes of worthlessness, selfishness, stupidity resound in my whole self. I do not feel that way, but I remember the feeling so vividly, I react as though it was real. It was real. My reality was so dark, so very small, for so long. I continued to function, going about my day, fulfilling my responsibilities, giving until there was nothing left. I was lost, barely existing.

I know I have changed, though I don't really know how. If you asked me, I couldn't tell you who I was then. I was incomplete, fractured beyond recognition. I only know I have changed because where there was nothing, there is now something. I barely know myself, but I know I'm there to be known.

Today I feel empty. Emotions, actions, thoughts, flitting through me, rather than coming from me, like a breeze through an open window. I am comfortable with the hollowness. The echoes have quieted and I'm at peace. But sometimes the tears come up unexpected. I don't feel like I'm crying. The heat in my face and tension in my throat register before I even notice the tears. The thought, the memory that prompted them has already floated on, and I have no explanation for my emotion.

I am broken, empty, but I am yours, Sir. Your acceptance of my fractured self has helped me heal like nothing else I've ever experienced.

I love you, Sir.

My Answers

Good morning, again.

I wanted to start with an apology. All this time I keep asking for you to share more of yourself with me, but looking back, when you do, I don't hear it. I'm sorry. I get so caught up in my own shit I forget to look out for you.

I love the laughter. The teasing, looking, tickling. The physical closeness. The hugs, cuddles, kisses. The way I for against you when I wrap my arms around you and my head fits under your chin. I love when you let me help you. When you let me feel useful. The way you smile at me when I rant about work, or family, or humanity in general.

I like being the first one you think of. The "primary" (though I know you don't like that word). I like being the one you love most. But I could live without it. I could let you be happy with someone else. I would maybe need to play a less-than-primary role before you met her, though. I don't need to be first, but I also don't want to be replaced. I can be enough without being first. I could take a back seat, let you live your life, and just be a part of it, instead of demanding priority. I don't mean to be selfish, but I know I can be.

I hate the inadequacy. I understand everyone has insecurities, but must ours be so powerful, and so alike? You say you want to be enough, but I'm a bad judge of that. My fucked up history means no one, nothing is ever enough. My crazy brain always wants more. I'm not a good judge of enough. I'm still healing, too. I'm getting better. But don't think you're not enough, because you're not enough for me. That's my problems. Not yours. Well, maybe yours too. But not yours alone. I want very much to give them to you entirely, but I have to own my own shit.

I would love a Master/slave relationship. Where I serve and obey, and you guide and nurture. But I need consistency. I need the security that comes from knowing you'll follow through.

When I submit that fully, you have me. All of me. I give limits beforehand because I don't trust myself to know them in the moment. For example, when you had me crawl to the living room, I wondered briefly what would happen if there was someone else there. And I realized, I probably would've gone ahead with it. There's a very good chance I would've simply trusted you, your judgement. If you'd decided to break a limit, there's a chance I wouldn't have objected in the moment. Because when I submit to you, I give you all of me. That's why sometimes I talk too much and giggle. To keep something for myself. To keep my wits about me. But if I'm going to enter this space, I need to know you've got my best interest in mind every minute. It's a terrifying time for me. And when I get scared, I lash out. I'm so sorry. I just wanted to feel safe.

Your life is inconsistent right now. Moving, leaving, being left, changing constantly. Grieving. Maybe consistency is more than you can give me right now. And that's ok. You can be broken, and still be good enough. But I need you to figure out what you need. If you can't give me Master right now, I understand. You'll always be my love.

Please don't be tempted to offer more than you can give. Even if my requests seem reasonable, even if it's what you want to do, they still might be more than you can do for now. It's not forever.

Maybe serving you to the best of my ability looks like not letting myself stretch so thin I need you to put me back together again. Maybe right now, what you need is a helpful partner, who can be your bottom when it suits us.

I love you oodles. You being enough doesn't mean completely satisfying all of my needs. It means me working as hard as I can to find a relationship dynamic that suits us in this moment, so we can both be a little happier, a little lighter, a little less alone. Because you, without changing a motherfucking thing, are worth my time, my effort, even my tears.

And never, ever forget, pee enough for yourself, first :P

I love you!

Expectations revisited

Good morning, Sir.

I love you. I wanted to ask you some questions to help figure out where we go from here.

What do you love about our relationship? What actions, attitudes, moments, patterns, would you definitely want to keep?

What do you like about our relationship, that you're willing to live without? The luxury things, the things that make you feel extra special, but aren't the most satisfying or necessary day to day things?

What are you trying to avoid altogether? What things do you want to ensure we do not repeat, either from our relationship with each other, or previous ones?

What's your ideal going forward?

What's your biggest fear?

I'm going to answer these questions myself. I'm not going to post them yet, though. I want you to have your own answers, without being influenced by mine, then we can share them together. I can't help but wonder if maybe you and I are so caught up in being who other people want us to be, that we're ignoring the fact that we very likely want alot of the same things.

In writing my answers, the overall theme for me is this- I love you so very much, and I'm willing to work and sacrifice to make this work.

I love you, Sir.

Role play

Good evening, Sir.

I had some other thoughts about the suggested role play.

I'm ok with you using a knife, as long as I don't actually get cut. I'm ok with you creating cutting-like sensations if you'd like, but no blood.

I'm ok with you cutting off or otherwise destroying my clothing, as long as I know what day it's happening, so I can choose what to wear.

I'm ok with being gagged and blindfolded. If I'm gagged or otherwise can't speak, I will snap my fingers or tap your body as my safe word. One tap/snap is yellow. Stop and check in. I'll nod when I'm ready to continue. Repeated taps or snaps is red. If is red, free my hands and anything I won't be able to get out of on my own, then back away. Otherwise normal safe words apply.

I'm ok with water play. I had said not in my face, but I'm thinking further I'm actually ok with you asking for that. I'm just nervous because I'm not sure I can do it. But if I can't, we can go with that. I'd probably refuse in that situation, anyway. Might make it more realistic if I can't or won't.

I'm ok with you tying me up and leaving me alone in a room for up to 15 minutes. 

I'm ok with anything we've already done together. I will struggle and scream, but will try not to actually incapacitate you, or alarm the neighbors. I will genuinely try to get away from you.

Aftercare will involve snuggles, maybe alone time, probably a shower, and definitely ice cream (preferable homemade). I know you take time to process things, and I do too. But I will want to get some feedback from you as soon as you have it. I'd prefer not to have to ask, and just have you tell me. I may feel a little anxious about how you reacted to everything, and any little bit you can give me will help with that.

I'd prefer we schedule this on maybe a Friday or Saturday, so I don't have to worry about getting up for work the next day. I may want to be excused from chores and other responsibilities for a while after. I have no idea how much this will take out of me. I'd prefer to assume alot, though probably only a medium amount.

I love you, Sir. I'm excited. Also nervous.

Sir

Good morning.

I've spent a little time now choosing, rather than feeling obligated, to serve. The one thing that I'm not really ready to reintroduce right this moment is calling you Sir. It may just be a word, but to me it signifies deference. I'm not able to automatically defer to you right now. I still serve. I still love you. But I need to think for myself, do for myself. And sometimes that looks like loving and nurturing and helping you. Because I love you. And that's how I show it.

I do miss calling you Sir. But right now I need to own myself, own my own shit.

I love you.

Reboot

Good morning.

Last night D texted me. We got to chatting and he asked what I was up to. I could tell he wanted me to come over, but I couldn't. Because you were out, and had been drinking, and weren't sure how you were going to get home. So I told D, I was waiting to see if you needed a ride. And he asked a very simple question. "Why is that your problem?"

I started typing this paragraph of an explanation. About how I was living with you, taking care of you, blah blah blah. Then it hit me. I deleted all of that, and replied "I guess it really isn't." And I went to see him. Because I wanted to.

My recent frustration is due to several things. But last night I realized that within this experiment, this contract, this service relationship, I've allowed some real imbalances to happen in my own life. I'm so busy taking care of you, I've left myself out to dry. I've lost track of myself. And it's not fair to ask you to fix that for me.

You may have noticed I stopped calling you Sir last night. It was unintentional at first. Then I felt frustrated, and continued briefly out of spite. I wondered if that would change when I saw you in person. I deliberately kept myself from calling you that when I got home. And it felt wonderful! I was so relieved.

I love you very much. And I love submitting to you and serving you. But I'm still learning how to do that in a healthy way. I lost track of why I was submitting. It became a chore, a burden. And that's just stupid. I don't want to to that. So I'm taking a break.

We've already discussed the fact that I'd like to make some changes. But I think in order for this to really work for me, I need to reboot. I need some time off to really think clearly about what I want. So until we figure out how we want to proceed, I'm going to focus more I myself, and taking care of my own needs. This doesn't necessarily mean I won't still help out with the things I know you like. But I refuse to feel obligated to do them. If I do, it will be my choice. Because I do love you. I love helping you and taking care of you. I hope you understand.

I love you.

Interesting Idea

Good morning, Sir.

I had an interesting idea today. It might be completely stupid, or amazingly genius. Either way, I'm surprised I never thought of it before.

Would you be at all interesting in role play? Not just any role play, but a very specific one. What if we pretended were just met. You seem to struggle with not wanting to disrupt our dynamic, but I crave the dynamic you have with other subby girls. You could just push done of our relationship to the background for a moment, we could chat and flirt, set up a date, start over in that way, a little.

I was much more fragile and inexperienced when we met than I am now. I've grown stronger, thanks in large part to you. Meet me now. With these interests, these fantasies that I have. And act it yours. And when we're done with the date, we can still have this dynamic that you love, for the most part. (I love it too).

I love you, Sir. Is this a totally weird idea? Or could it be really sexy?

Resdiual Feelings

Good morning, Sir.

I'm still feeling things, Sir. Guilt, shame, anxiety, vulnerability. But I'm trying to focus on how much I love you. It helps.

I don't like needing things, Sir. I struggle with being open enough to get hurt. I don't like taking risks, because I'm afraid it won't turn out right. I feel like a better submissive might have just dealt with this.

I know in my head that these arrangements are for the benefit of both/all involved. If my needs aren't being met I should speak up. But it's hard to not feel like I'm not submissive enough.

There's this weird cycle going on with us, I think. I came into this relationship having a difficult time identifying my emotions and reactions, unaware of my limits. This caused you to tread lightly. You've been perfect! But then I don't want you to think I'm too fragile, so I start trying to tough things out. Eventually that doesn't pan out, and I'm emotional and you're back to handling me with kid gloves.

Problem is, I want to grow stronger. I know this happens when I'm pushed, and I have trouble pushing myself, so I want you to do it. Maybe I'm growing faster than you can keep up. Or maybe I'm rushing, not giving myself enough time to process these changes as they happen. Probably some of each, knowing us, Sir.

I realized something the other day. I was trying to imagine my future, not specifically with you, just in general. And it occurred to me that I no longer believe relationships last. I automatically assume they'll all end in some way or another. I remember in school reading about how kids with trauma histories will often have a foreshortened view of their life. I have that with relationships. I believe my life will continue for a while, at least I hope so. But I have trouble picturing it, and I assume all relationships will end someday. It's not the craziest assumption. Statistically it's probably fairly accurate. But to me, it sounds like I've lost hope for it. I want to get that back, at least a little. Maybe that'll be something I work on when I get my new therapist. Whenever that is.

I love you, Sir. I'm complicated and irrational, but I crave you. I want to feel my own strength, my own finiteness. I would love for you to be the one I do that with. But if not, know you will always have my love, Sir. The rest is just icing.

Fear of Failure

Hello again Sir.

So much of my previous post was just a fear of failure. Failure as your slave, failure of this experiment. But that's what this is- an experiment. We started looking to see if this would work, you and I exploring some of our fantasies together. If this relationship structure doesn't work, we find one that will.

I love you, Sir. Always.

Master

Good morning, Sir.

I love you. This has been brewing in my head for a couple days, but I couldn't quite make sense of it till this morning.

I'd like to talk again about my expectations for you, Sir. I know the last time we spoke this was all very new, so it was hard to say what to expect. You were so kind and loving when you explained I could expect you to be communicative and listen to my concerns. That is the best answer any new slave could hope for. 

When you talked about me giving you a rim job, my initial reaction was negative, Sir. I couldn't quite figure out why. I have nothing against it, though I've never done it. But it would be submissive, and you'd like it, and I want to try new things. I've even considered doing it before, while licking your balls. Yet my gut reaction was "No!" And that actually helped me realize something very important.

I have been working hard to serve you, Sir. I love taking care of you. I love that you feel you can count on me to cook, clean, and love on you when you need it, how you need it, sometimes without you even having to ask.

I have goals in this relationship. I wanted to be your slave to learn and grow. I want to try things, to be pushed and tested. I want to feel my own limits and my strengths. We've talked about increasing my pain tolerance. But it's inconsistent. I've found myself caning my own thighs, practicing with nipple clamps, anally training myself, trying to hold my own orgasms while masturbating. I feel like I can't count on you to train me in the way that I need. I know you're very busy. I know you want a slave who can be proactive and not too needy. But I'm new.

My reaction to you asking me to lick your ass had nothing to do with the action. I simply didn't want to be asked for something else for you, when my own needs are being so inconsistently met.

I had trouble with calling you Master before for many reasons. Now it's just the one. I don't feel Mastered. I don't feel owned or trained. And that's ok. Maybe that's what you need right now. Maybe this is all you've got to give, and I understand that. You've got alot going on. But we need to figure out what reasonable expectations are. Otherwise I'm worried I'm just going to get resentful and burn out.

I love you so very much, Sir. I don't want to criticize or judge you. But we started this experiment to see if we wanted to be Master and slave. And maybe that Durant work for you right now. Or maybe I'm not someone you feel like you want to Master. I just need to know we're on the same page, Sir.

New Hard Limit

Good afternoon, Sir!

I was browsing some of your messages, and discovered a new hard limit for me.

People who are actively not feminists.

I've noticed a couple times that you've messaged women who state in their profile that they think men are superior to women, or that all women want to serve, or some other such bullshit. I won't tell you what to do with them, Sir. But I will never fuck them. It's not going to happen. It's officially a hard limit. I don't want to be in the same room as them. I don't want to hear about them. Nope, nope, nope.

It's ignorant crap to think that your experience is the same as half of the earth's population. It's heterosexist, sexist, specific culture-centric, egotistical crap. I will have none of it. So the 1950's thing if you want, because you want. Not because your biology is forcing you into one decade of one culture's romanticized roles. Crap, Crap, Crap.

I do love you, Sir. I'm not judging you for wanting to talk to these women, or even wanting to fuck them. But I need them to stay the hell out of my life, and I hope you can respect that.

Home

Good evening, Sir.

Today's post isn't really about us, Sir. It's mostly about me. But it might be helpful for you to know. And it's definitely helpful for me to write about it.

Today I realized what I've been grieving for. I've been dealing with some memories and unresolved shit from leaving my ex a year ago. I decided to revisit the city I lived in for 5 years with him. As I was driving,  getting closer to where I used to call home, I had an urge to listen to Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. That was the last thing he and I got excited about together. We never really had a song, but the closest thing was their song Home.

"Home, let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you"

I miss having a home. A place that's mine. I've spent the last year living in other people's homes, comfortable, happy, sage. But not mine. Even now, my home doesn't feel like mine. I just rent a room in it. I miss feeling the security, the sense of ownership.

It extends beyond a physical home, too. I miss feeling that home feeling with someone. I'm realizing how much fear still controls my choices. I do enjoy what I'm learning from poly, about myself, about other people. But I'm also aware that I chose poly out of a reluctance to commit too much of myself to any one person. I've moved away from that motivation somewhat. But it's still there.

Please know I'm very much speaking out of emotions right now. These next couple of weeks may be difficult for me. I'm not looking to change any decisions. Just feeling things, Sir. I love you so very much, Sir.

Green Monster

Good morning, Sir!

You told me this morning that A had contacted you again. You wanted to know what I was thinking. Here it is.

I started by looking over the conversations I had had with A prior to and just after introducing her to you. I realized that, while she is a pleasant person to talk to, the biggest attraction for me was that she was interested in me, or so it seemed at the time. I no longer think she's interested in me, and I'm not particularly interested in her as an individual. If it was just me, I wouldn't care much one way or the other about meeting her.

The reason A's interest in me was so attractive is that at the time I was talking to her, I was very much wanting to exploring my Domme side. In retrospect, alot of that was due to feeling like I had to prove I was a switch. Not so much to other people, but to myself. I felt a stigma, a fear attached to just being submissive. I'm no longer in that mindset. I still would like to explore domination, but I'm content for now to focus on my submission, which is complicated enough, and wait for someone who I really like to dominate. Like maybe R, if she ever comes to Boston. Or S. Or pup, with you. But I'm not looking to dominate just to dominate. And that's what it would be with A, at least with the way things are now. So again, I don't care much about meeting her, one way or the other.

At the end of the day, I'm not particularly interested in A. And I'm not really feeling the need to dominate A just to say I tried it. I'm open to it, but meeting A wouldn't be for A's sake, and it wouldn't be for mine. I'd do it for yours, Sir, if that's what you want. Just say the word. But if I chose to go with you, it would be a decision for fear's sake. And I don't want to make my decisions out of jealousy and insecurity and pettiness and fear.  Not anymore.

So it's up to you, Sir. I'm submitting this to you. I'm going to (try to) trust that you'll make the best decision for yourself, and for me. It's not going to be easy, Sir. It may hurt. I might cry. I'll probably need some aftercare. But I'll be ok.

If you choose to meet her alone, I'd like to talk again about our guidelines for casual play. If you want to see her again, I may want to meet her eventually. I'm open to playing with her together, as either your sub or your mentee. But I'm not interested in having her as my slave. And you might be. So I'll step back. I'll kneel and I'll let myself feel the pain, knowing it's only for a moment, knowing you'll never intentionally damage me, knowing you love me for myself, not for anything that anyone can do better.

I love you, Sir. So very much.

Control Freak

Good afternoon, Sir.

This week, I've been re-remembering how much of a control freak I can be. I'm coming up on a year since I left my ex. I'm not usually big on anniversaries, but sometimes they just imprint on your psyche. Memories have just been popping up this week, good and bad. Both make me cry. I'm ok. But this is a milestone. And I'm feeling it.

I've told you alot about what happened. What you may have figured out by now is how it changed me. A few months ago when I was brand new to BDSM, I had limits in place, like no knives, that were a direct result of this. Those aren't hard limits for me anymore. At least not with you. I trust you enough to make almost no legal actions really off limits. Except poop stuff. That's yucky. Don't do that.

The thing I'm realizing is how I play these little games with you, to try to feel more in control. Like last night, you pulled my head down on you, and I made some excuse about my cough. It didn't aggravate my cough. I even kinda liked it. But I asked you not to, knowing you'd show your love by honoring my request. Something immediately felt wrong. And I think it's because I made that request not for my physical comfort, but my emotional comfort. I needed the reassurance that I was still in control.

I wish I could simply submit to you. I wish any of this was simple. But I'm complicated. I can be alot to deal with, I know. I'm working on giving you more, trusting you more. But it's really hard for me. I'm sorry for when my issues get in the way of your happiness. And I'm so grateful for your love and patience.

I love you, Sir.

Curious

Good morning, Sir.

I'm finding myself in a small dilemma. I want to explore and experiment. But I don't want to "top from the bottom". I like some things we've done, and want to do them again. I'd also like to try new stuff. But I don't really know how to ask, without seeming pushy. I want to make sure you do what you want to.

So here's a list of things I like and things I'm curious about. I like/love spanking (more than once a week?), electric play, bondage (maybe giving tasks while tied up?), biting (you used to bite my arm during sex. I miss that), tickling, butt plugs, face slapping, nipple clamps, clothespins, hitting my breasts, ice cubes, choking or smothering. I want to talk a little about my limits and concerns, but I'm gonna make that its own entry, I think. Basically, other than scat and anything illegal, I'm open to it, as long as it's with you and we talk about it.

I love you, Sir.

Actions, Identity, and Worth

Good morning, Sir.

I had a realization yesterday, and I wanted to write about it in the hopes that it will help you understand me a little better, and that it will help me remember it.

Service is action. It is not who I am. It does not define my worth.

I wrote once before about how I'm trying to serve for you, not for myself. This is what it boils down to. When in serving you for myself, I'm trying to increase my worth. I'm trying to be better. But you've made it clear over and over. You don't love me for what I do, but for who I am. Service is what I do to show you I love you. It is not my love. It is not me.

I'm going to try to remember this. It's difficult. This warped way of thinking has been a part of my life since I was a little kid. But I'm learning.

I love you, Sir.

Trust and Control

Good morning, Sir.

I wanted to write a little about trust and control. I'm a worst case scenario person. I don't mean to be. I just am. When I'm in a situation, I plan what I'd do if there was an emergency. Even as you were tying me, I wondered what you'd do if there was, say, a fire. How would you react? How would you keep me safe? In the back of my mind, there's always a plan. When I can't help myself, I'm counting on you. Especially when I can't help myself because if something you've done, like tie my hands behind my back.

I know it's silly, but I felt like you got flustered by everything, the people coming to see the apartment, the pizza guy. And it made me feel like maybe you wouldn't be able to take care of me if there was an emergency. I know, it was a pizza. But anger usually masks something else. For me, it's often fear. I get scared when I can't protect myself. I count on you. I trust you, Sir. But I also know you're a human, you can't handle everything (but I can, apparently. My brain is weird). I'm working on it.

I love you, Sir.

S & M

Good afternoon, Sir.

I was bored recently and decided to browse around fetlife (sapiosexy17). I was looking through some pics today and realized I was getting very turned on by pictures of a very bruised body. I continued to look through things and am realizing I may actually be more of a masochist than I realized. It's funny, cuz I'm actually kinda wimpy. I don't have a high tolerance for passion and discomfort, and I'm queasy with blood. But I think I want to explore that side some more.

I've really enjoyed being soaked to the point of tears. I don't bruise much, but I do love the release of emotion. I also love clothespins whenever you use them on me. I don't usually use the toys on my own, but I must admit to snagging some clothespins once or twice when you're working nights. Last night I put them in a row across my breasts, down my upper, inner arms, and one on my tongue. Putting them on my labia gets me instantly wet. I kept reading all these creative torture methods and maybe it was the fact that I hadn't had sex in so long (48 hours, hehe) but I got so turned on! So maybe we can try some stuff, if you want.

I love you, Sir.

Fantasy

Good evening, Sir.

Apparently this time away from you had given me lots of time to think. I realized something today, Sir. One of the biggest struggles with jealousy for new is the feeling that I'm no longer a part of your fantasy. When we first started together, it was electric. We couldn't stop thinking about each other. I understand that's not always sustainable, and that you've had alot to deal with. I've tried not to ask for too much, because I know you've only got so much to give. But the truth is, I want to try new things with you and have you push me not only so I can learn and grow, but because I want you too fantasize about using me like you used to. Maybe that's not possible. Or maybe you still do, and I just keep coming on in the last 15 minutes. But I miss it.

And it's so hard for me to know you're fantasizing about someone else the way you did about me. I'm not asking to be every fantasy. I'm just missing the spark, the thrill of trying something new, the excitement. When I first started submitting to you, it was like you were in awe of it. You couldn't get enough. It was intoxicating to be the object of your desire like that. I get that that can't last forever, or happen every day. But I'm hoping we can capture it again once in a while.

This post may not make huge amounts of sense. It might seem like I'm asking for alot. I don't mean to. I'm writing before I've completely finished processing this. I'm not asking for huge changes, or even really any changes. I'm just saying you're wonderful, Sir. You have an energy that inspires amazingly dirty things in my mind. I haven't masturbated without thinking of you at least once basically since we've met. And I hope I'm not boring you. I know that's just my insecurity. But it's still me. I love you, Sir.

Update: had the possibly quite obvious realization today that some of this is likely due to me. A relationship takes two people. If I don't like what's happening, I should be looking at what I can do. I love you, Sir.

On Service

Good afternoon, Sir.

I love you so much. I'm working on service for you, rather than service so I feel useful. I love you, and hate to see you unhappy. But that's my problem. You need to be unhappy for a while, and that's ok. I'm trying my best to make sure my issues not become more important than letting you be yourself right now.

I just want to fix everything for you. Being superwoman would be great right about now. I know I can't. It's silly. The rational side of me knows I can't be your everything, and I don't want to be. Except for when I do.

I want to serve you in a way that's for you, not too fill my emotional needs. Then I just end up needier. I want to be strong and independent and confident so I can serve you better. I love you, Sir. I'm trying my best, and always learning, Sir. You inspire me to keep trying.

Polyamory

Good morning, Sir.

Today I realized something interesting about polyamory. You and I we're taking about how alone time is important, and often neglected in polyamorous life, and decided to take some time for yourself. I was left conflicted. As much add i cognitively know the value of alone time, I still struggle with the desire to be your happiness. It's silly and romantic. But it's there. And as I went about putting away the dishes and making myself some lunch, it struck me. Polyamory isn't so much about the idea that just one person can't satisfy all our needs. It's about the idea that really, no one can. Perhaps not even ourselves.

To have needs is to be alive. With every exhalation we create the new need for oxygen. If we do not fill it out lungs will burn, our minds give out, our bodies shut down. So we inhale again, and satisfy the need. Until the next breath.

I can be a needy person. I don't mean to be. In fact, I often imagine what I would be like if I didn't need anyone ever again. But I do need people. I need you, Sir. But not every minute. I'm learning about finding a balance. I had one. Then I inhaled. Now I need a new one.

Breath is such a fascinating concept. So intrinsic to life. I once read of a breathing exercise that talked about breath in terms of emotions and experiences we've had. As you inhale, you want draw breath to you, not pulling, not clinging, but relaxed, accepting the air filling your lungs. Likewise the exhale was not to be forcing the air out and away from you, and not trying to trap it within you, but releasing it back into the world.

For my next tattoo, I've decided to get the word accept in my left wrist, and release on my right one (I'm thinking in white, to be more subtle). This is what I whisper to myself with each breath when I'm being spanked to tears. Accept the pain, and release it again. Feeling the breath come through one side of new and out the other, taking the pain, the pleasure, all of it as it flows. It can be applied to anything in life. Accept what happens, and then let it go. Pain, pleasure, joy, sadness, closeness, loneliness. They all come and go, anyway. There will always be a need. And there will always be a way to fill it.

I love you, Sir.

Independence and Security

Good afternoon, Sir.

Today I find myself stuck between conflicting desires. On the one hand, I love the freedom to explore my own relationships, and design my own life. But this can get so overwhelming.  There are moments where I wish someone would just tell me what to do. Oddly enough, this is being mirrored in my professional life right now. Perhaps that's why I'm so very aware of it right now.

I feel like I'm stuck between two extremes. And a part of me, maybe not the healthiest part, is struggling to live with the dichotomy. I know I'm meant to live like this, I've always been more comfortable with variety, with flexibility. But it gets exhausting sometimes. I'm feeling a little burnt out, not by our relationship, but just by life in general. I'm looking forward to seeing you this weekend, Sir. I'm hoping it will help me feel more secure and rested.

I love you, Sir.

Bruising

Good morning, Sir.

Last night you spanked me till I cried again. I actually don't mind crying. It's very relaxing afterwards. I've been having a busy week, and I was grateful for the release. Apparently I don't bruise well though, Sir. I have a few purpley spots, but mostly it itches. The skin is still pink, and sitting for any length of time is uncomfortable.

The only time I really missed it was when I we're to walk the dog and there was another ticket on my car. I forgot to renew my registration last week, and I got tickets two days in a row. I was able to take care of it today, Sir. I'm not worried about it. But I found when I was stressed and frustrated by my situation, the sensations I felt sitting were enough to make me wish I hadn't let you continue, Sir. Once the other emotions faded, that went away. I'm actually enjoying seeing the marks you left. Honestly, I think if it were pain I wouldn't have minded so much. But I find myself easily overwhelmed by assurance, like tickling or itching feelings, more so than by pain.

One final thought is I wonder how D will react this evening if he sees the marks. I've never talked to him about tycoons aspect of our relationship, Sir. I'm not afraid or ashamed to. But I'm guessing that may come up, Sir. In considering everything, I feel no need to hide this aspect of my life from anyone I'm sleeping with, or my doctors, Sir. I feel it's important for these groups of people to know the truth, and don't feel the need to participate in any stigma by hiding it.

Expectations

Good morning Sir.

Last night and this morning I've been toying with a couple weird fantasies. In each one, there is a running theme of me feeling angry or hurt by you, and figuring out how to deal with it. I've noticed I sometimes do this when I'm feeling something, and don't know what to attribute my reaction to. I create a story to justify my feelings.

I've been feeling a little frustrated, Sir. I've realized this morning that has alot to do with the fact that I don't quite know what to expect from you, Sir. We've spoken quite a bit about expectations from me, though to be fair, not too much has changed in the day to day. But we really haven't discussed what I can expect from you. I know we're still figuring this all out, and I'm not trying to place blame. To be honest, I've been so preoccupied with my own things, I haven't bothered to ask. But it's something worth thinking about, Sir. For example, yesterday morning in the shower, I was worrying about the position you taught me. Suddenly here's this new thing you've presented me with (pun intended) and I don't know what purpose it has, or when you might use it. I know I should trust you, and I do. But I also know I can take a while to process my reaction to things. I worry that something that may not seem particularly significant to you, will actually affect me a great deal and I want to make sure I have the time to react before being given a new task or expectation.

I love you, Sir. I know you want what's best for me, but this is still so new.