I'm no longer upset about what you did. I could fairly easily perform the things you did with her, without a strong emotional reaction. I know you're sorry for the rules you broke and the people you hurt. I know you don't want to do that again.
But I don't trust you to tell me if you did.
I can't tell you how different things would have been if you'd managed to tell me even one little part of this because you wanted me to know. But you didn't. You let me find all of it. And to me, that says so much about our relationship. It says you're a coward. You couldn't face up to what you'd done, or be honest with me. It says you're not happy with who you are. You couldn't deal with your own insecurity. It says you don't trust me. You don't believe yourself when you say you do. It says you don't take your own words seriously. So why would I agree to live by them?
This is it. This is why I continue to struggle. This is why I struggle most with what I don't have access to. This is why I hate when you use Craigslist or POF or any other dating sites I don't have the login for. Because if you fucked up again, I don't think you'd be honest with me.
I don't expect you to be perfect. I demand that you be honest. If you'd prefer to keep a little more separate, we can do that. But I refuse to allow lies or covering things up.
I'm starting to feel internal pressure to keep tabs on your online activities. This is getting to a point where I'm concerned, particularly because you seem so welcoming of it. I worry that you're enjoying having me as your conscience. That's a big responsibility for me.
I love you. I'm realizing that it's not your actions, but your lies and our relationship that is still damaged. This will affect how I react to new people, but I don't want to deny you specific activities, though I had talked about that before. I do expect you to tell me what I need to know (as opposed to just what you want to tell me) and I will do the same. If it helps, I need to know-
- Who you're talking to (if it's repeated or sexual)
- Who you are planning to meet (before a date is set if at all possible)
- Who you're thinking of having a relationship with BEFORE you start (this includes online, using words like Dom, sub, Master, slave, etc. If the submissive uses the word Sir, I don't need to know unless you're talking to them repeatedly or planning to meet or have a relationship. If you order them to call you Sir, I want to know. If you tell them you're considering them, would like to own them one day, giving them rules or protocols, etc. this counts as thinking of having a relationship.).
- What sexual/submissive acts you're thinking of having them do, together or separately (this includes non-sexual service, requesting naked photos, having protocols around when or how they contact you, what they call you, etc.)
- If you feel uncomfortable telling me about it- TELL ME! That probably means I need to know.
As always, please don't do anything we haven't done before without explicitly talking to me first.
Just for clarity, you haven't given me access to your yahoo or gchat. I find it on your computer. That access will go when you do, and I'd prefer to not be used to checking it at that point.
No comments:
Post a Comment