more fantasies

Hello again!

Just so you know, anal training and stretching is a particular fetish of mine. I know there's a moderate amount of risk, depending on how you do it. And I'm not great at it at all. But I LOVE watching it, and would be very proud of myself if I could accomplish something like that. I would absolutely love to have you help me work on that if you'd like.

Also, I'd love to be tied down tight and tickled. I'd hate it and probably need to be gagged, but it would be alot of fun. Especially if you went back and forth, tickling and hitting and teasing. Hitting me until I can't stand it and switching to tickling, until I can't stand that and I'm begging to go back to being hurt. 

It would be fun. Just saying. 

Trust Revisited

I've been questioning why this has been so hard for me to get past. And I think I know the answer.

I'm no longer upset about what you did. I could fairly easily perform the things you did with her, without a strong emotional reaction. I know you're sorry for the rules you broke and the people you hurt. I know you don't want to do that again.

But I don't trust you to tell me if you did.

I can't tell you how different things would have been if you'd managed to tell me even one little part of this because you wanted me to know. But you didn't. You let me find all of it. And to me, that says so much about our relationship. It says you're a coward. You couldn't face up to what you'd done, or be honest with me. It says you're not happy with who you are. You couldn't deal with your own insecurity. It says you don't trust me. You don't believe yourself when you say you do. It says you don't take your own words seriously. So why would I agree to live by them?

This is it. This is why I continue to struggle. This is why I struggle most with what I don't have access to. This is why I hate when you use Craigslist or POF or any other dating sites I don't have the login for. Because if you fucked up again, I don't think you'd be honest with me.

I don't expect you to be perfect. I demand that you be honest. If you'd prefer to keep a little more separate, we can do that. But I refuse to allow lies or covering things up.

I'm starting to feel internal pressure to keep tabs on your online activities. This is getting to a point where I'm concerned, particularly because you seem so welcoming of it. I worry that you're enjoying having me as your conscience. That's a big responsibility for me.

I love you. I'm realizing that it's not your actions, but your lies and our relationship that is still damaged. This will affect how I react to new people, but I don't want to deny you specific activities, though I had talked about that before. I do expect you to tell me what I need to know (as opposed to just what you want to tell me) and I will do the same. If it helps, I need to know-

• Who you're talking to (if it's repeated or sexual)
• Who you are planning to meet (before a date is set if at all possible)
• Who you're thinking of having a relationship with BEFORE you start (this includes online, using words like Dom, sub, Master, slave, etc. If the submissive uses the word Sir, I don't need to know unless you're talking to them repeatedly or planning to meet or have a relationship. If you order them to call you Sir, I want to know. If you tell them you're considering them, would like to own them one day, giving them rules or protocols, etc. this counts as thinking of having a relationship.).
• What sexual/submissive acts you're thinking of having them do, together or separately (this includes non-sexual service, requesting naked photos, having protocols around when or how they contact you, what they call you, etc.)
• If you feel uncomfortable telling me about it- TELL ME! That probably means I need to know.

As always, please don't do anything we haven't done before without explicitly talking to me first. 

Just for clarity, you haven't given me access to your yahoo or gchat. I find it on your computer. That access will go when you do, and I'd prefer to not be used to checking it at that point. 

Fantasies- Part 1

Good afternoon!

Just a reminder, all of these would require a decent amount of conversation first. Some would require a stronger relationship than we have right now.

Needles and knives are a soft limit for me. But something I realized recently is that, for me, soft limits are also goals. I would love to be tied down tight, and have you poke needles through the soft underside of my upper arm. All in a row. Or into my breasts. Or through my nipples. I still think about getting them pierced. I wonder if letting you be the one to pierce them would be enough fun to make waiting for them to heal worth it. Or making a row down my inner thighs. Like you're preparing to hem me, to make me just the right size to fit you.

I also like the idea of tacks. In a bra to jab at my breasts. Or inside of whatever you used to bind me, to keep me from wiggling while you spank me or tease me.

I read somewhere about someone putting steel wool pads in their slave's bra and making her wear it.

I'm curious about being cut. The places I think about are again the underside of my upper arms, or my inner thighs. Not deep. Just a little slice of red. Even the thought makes me heady.

I have a fantasy where you plug my ass with something big enough to be uncomfortable. You make me crawl down the stairs, into the bathroom, into the tub. You have me lay on my back with my feet in the air, resting my plugged ass on the shower wall. Then you make me pee on myself, so it gets in my face and hair.

I'd like to try figging again, or some other kind of "chemical" reaction.

I love the idea of being brought to a party, blindfolded, and used by whomever you decided. Giving you my limits to watch, giving you my safety, my choice, and just seeing how you choose to have me used.

I'm curious about maybe setting aside a time to really push each other. To try some more extreme things and see what happens. It may be a terrible idea. But I like the thought of it. Seeing what out limits actually feel like to each other. I think it's something we've both been questioning, though I'm not sure if we're really ready to find out or not.

Writing about Fantasies

Good afternoon!

I've been thinking of changing this blog to a fantasy blog. Maybe not always, but to give you an idea of what I fantasize about. Just some ground rules.

• Just because I talk about a fantasy, doesn't change my limits. I still want to talk about it before we do it. 
• Humiliation and control stuff may not happen for a while. Many of those fantasies would require me to be able to get into a submissive mindset, and I don't see that happening for a while. 
• Pain kinks would be really fun to explore! 

And that's about it! 

I hope you enjoy reading them. I'd love to talk about them more. My hope is that you'll realize what I actually like to think about, even if it's not stuff I always bring up in daily conversation. 

Deliberate

Good morning.

I was thinking a lot about our conversation a few days ago. About how your actions with D seemed deliberate. I was able to come to some realizations that I hope will help you understand where I'm coming from.

You and I had rules. You showed your knowledge of those rules by feeding me half-truths that followed them, and making suggestions about how to follow those rules, like me meeting D, or us making a list of what I was ok with you doing with her. You then proceeded to break those rules.

I'm here to tell you- this was the definition of deliberate.

When I spoke to you the other day, I called that rule breaking "deliberate", a word I borrowed from my conversation with D. You got upset, and stated that it wasn't. The word seemed to provoke a very emotional reaction, and you expressed feeling like it wasn't deliberate.

We've talked before about the various ways we're fucked up. I've definitely alienated certain of my traits and emotions to better suit the life I felt pressured to live. I know what it's like to struggle to bring them back into myself.

Even if it didn't feel deliberate, it was. That's what deliberate feels like. You've talked to me before about ways you know you're not doing well. And I'll do what I can to call you on your shit. But here's the thing- only you can keep this from happening again. You need to take a look at this.

The reason I'm so uncomfortable with you dominating anyone is the fact that, despite all this, you felt like you couldn't help this. Like you couldn't stop it. So both myself and D got hurt. Because, guess what? We allowed you to take control over us, and you couldn't even control yourself.

Until you can learn to control yourself, I will never be comfortable with you taking control from anyone. Power exchanges of any kind are off the table. This is the crux of the lack of trust I have for you. I can't heal from the pain and fear that you'll do something intentionally to hurt me while knowing that this didn't feel intentional to you. It's simply not possible.

I love you. I don't want to hurt you.

Trust

Good morning.

Trust isn't coming back as easily as I'd hoped. I'm still snooping, still feeling left out, still not trusting that you're doing the right thing. Most of me is normal, mostly unaffected. I still feel like a valuable human, good at my job, I know you love me. But my submissive side is absolutely shattered. I'm broken. I feel like I gave you everything I possibly could, and you still sought out other people to fantasize and practice with. I've explored fisting a little. I really like what I've done, and would love to try more with you. (And just for clarification, I was unaware that's what was happening at the time. He didn't tell me till after I came how much of his hand was in me). I would LOVE to be anally trained, even to the point of being able to take a fist. When did you stop talking to me? When did you stop telling me your fantasies? When I told you about my rape fantasies was probably the most close to any person I have ever felt. I've been fantasizing about so many things in the past months, but haven't shared them with you. Maybe I should have spoken up first. But I guess neither of of really felt safe. For my part, I'm sorry.

Today I decided to read your conversations with FDI. She seems so sweet, and great, and I'm glad you have had a friend. While there are minor pangs of jealousy, she actually seems really good for you. But in reading your messages to her, especially around the first week of last month, I have to ask a really terrifying question.

Did you cheat on me to get me to break up with you so you could give your marriage another try?

When I started talking to you, before we even met, I had two thoughts about you and me. The first was the belief that we would be temporary, that we would end when you moved back to the midwest. That's changed somewhat throughout the relationship, with times I'm sure I'm going to follow you, and times I'm certain I'll stay. But when we started, I believed that would be the end of us. The second was a decision I made with myself, that I would never knowingly get between you and S. Even when you were talking about splitting, even as you decided to divorce, even when I realized that I was a catalyst to that decision, I still never believed that I was between you two. I influenced your life, but you made your own decision. I'm concerned that you have put me between you, in a role I never agreed or intended to play. I need you to decide what you want. I personally believe that, while the two of you maybe have some unfinished business, the likelihood of forever for you two is minimal. When you first started talking about divorce, your timeline was 3-5 years. I believe that shows great insight. But at the same time, you and I have built our lives around the idea that people can heal and change. I'm not asking you to predict the future. But I need to know, where you stand now, that I'm not what's keeping you from trying again. I love you, but I refuse to be that for you.

This Hurts

I'm tired. And not completely sober. But sober enough.

I've had this fantasy for a while. Where you force me to pee on myself. It's really hot. There's more to it than that, but why bother with details now. A part of me REALLY wants to do it with you. But then I think about how you made her drink her own pee. And I cringe and cry. And I can't stop. My body convulses trying to keep my heart from being ripped out. But you're not even here. No one is touching me. Somehow I still feel the fingers clawing at my chest. Everything you did with her, figging, sandpaper, writing on her body, brings up these overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. It's like I'd be following her, instead of you. And I can't bear it. I like the idea of them in general. I'm really disappointed I can't fantasize about them or plan to do them without this deep ache in my chest. Because I would've liked that. And now I can't picture ever being ok with any of it. I hate the idea of you doing it with anyone else, and I can't imagine being ok with it myself. I wish I could.

I'm not the one who fucked up. In monogamy, it's often shared blame. Not excusing cheating. Just saying, a great relationship rarely has cheating. We should always own our own shit. But this wasn't about me. It wasn't about us at all, was it? It was about your ex.

And despite knowing that. Despite knowing you fucked up, because you're fucked up from your relationship with someone else I still feel…

Empty
Broken
Worthless
Not good enough
Alone

And I don't know what to do with it.

I feel like I wasn't submissive enough. I was too much work. I was too hesitant, too scared, required too much effort. She was easy. She submitted naturally, flawlessly, without hesitation. And I hate it.

One of my biggest fears in thinking about trying to do this again someday, is that I'm not good enough. Though I crave to be yours, you'll find someone who is more easily yours, and won't want me anymore. And that thought is unbearable to me.

I know it's not true. But I feel it as deeply as if it was. This is the reality of my soul, even if it's not what my brain knows to be true.

I crave to be taken deeper. I have no desire to walk that path with anyone else. But I also cannot walk it with you. I am paralyzed.

I'm considering a somewhat drastic request. I want it to be a conversation. But I think my reasoning is sound. I'm thinking about asking you not to take on another sub until you have trained me. I don't know when I'll be ready for that, or how it will happen, or what it would look like. All I know is you've told submissive strangers you have experience in daily control, and are willing to train. I want to be poly. But I question whether I would be able to handle you training someone else before me. I could have before this. But only just barely. And this has shattered my sense of security with you. I'm not sure it's stable enough to withstand you being with another submissive.

I'm willing and even excited to go some pretty dark places. I'd need your support and patience. I'm working to ensure I'm setting limits according to my own needs, not to try to keep you from finding someone better. We share a surprising amount of fantasies. I'm curious to see if our lines are similar when it comes to making these fantasies real.

As always, I love you.