Power and Independence

I've been thinking a lot about power exchange recently. I realized that I have never felt a desire to submit to anyone but you. And that makes me think I'm not a submissive. I love you, and want to make you happy. But the idea of me serving as your slave on day is losing luster. My focus is shifting towards myself and fulfilling my own desires. And I'm realizing that's not one of them. I dream of living alone. I'm enjoying the freedom of coming and going as I please, without the all too familiar tug of codependent guilt pulling me towards someone. I'm seeing how blurred my boundaries become when I'm so close to someone; I'm viewing the fear that motivates those displays of "love", melding desire and insecurity into neediness. It's exhausting.

I'm seeking balance. I want the reason AND the passion. I'm tired of swinging wildly between the two. I need the physical separation. I hated it, and still do some days. But I need it, to remind myself that I am I, and you are you. I don't want to love you simply because I've bled so much of myself into you. I want to see you, you know you, and to love you, with or without me.

This may not be forever. Things rarely are, especially feelings and dreams. But this is where I am now. I love you.

Rope

As I was falling asleep last night, I was thinking over our conversation. At one point you said something about how rope could be used for many different things. And my silly brain started thinking of my relationships here as ropes. But where you're afraid they'll tie me to this place, that's really not how I'm using them. Right now, I'm not worried about that. Instead I'm making a net. Because my biggest fear is that this won't work out. That I'll try my hardest, but still come crashing back here. And they're what will keep me from hitting too hard, if that's what happens.

I think it says something about us, that our biggest fear is not being together.

I love you so very much!

I love you!

Good morning baby! I  hope you're still asleep, but I wanted to comment on your journal.

I love you so very much.

In your section about "Insecurities" you mentioned feeling a fear that our intimacy will be lessened. I feel the same fear. I think it has to do with the fact that, because of distance, our intimacy looks very different now. And it requires us to be more deliberate in maintaining it. I don't think that's illogical at all. But I do know you and I have been really committed to building that intimacy despite the distance. That's why I feel that exhilaration after you do things like call me out or share your anxiety. The conversation itself is uncomfortable, but the increase in intimacy with you is like a drug. I always want more of that.

Also, I don't see comparing relationships as hugely problematic. Comparing people can be judgmental and hurtful, because it's putting yourself in a place where you're saying one or more humans should be different to suit your expectations. That's just weird. But relationships aren't people. They're a connection that you were largely responsible for creating, building, and changing or ending. Comparing relationships can be very useful in figuring out what you want, what you don't, what behaviors or words make you feel important, loved, and safe, and which ones do the opposite. Your observations about your previous relationships are super helpful for me to learn what's important to you (like sex, active listening, and respect) and what's feels damaging or stifling to you. I know with S comparing the relationship might essentially just be judging her as a person right now, because you're emotional. The ending of that is very immediate, and it's ok to struggle with that. But as you've said, you're friends with most of your ex's. Comparing relationships with them clearly doesn't mean you hate them as people. It just means you're able to see at this point what works for you and what doesn't. And what works for you is so insanely important to me.

Also, I'm becoming more away of how things have changed and are changing because of us becoming long distance. I knew it would be a big adjustment, but I'm realizing the first couple things I'm seeing change are, 1) you're reacting to my other experiences and people differently, and 2) we're having to give more time towards talking about how we're doing emotionally. I think in some ways, drastically changing our relationship dynamic (again) could be really helpful. We both started this with no real healthy experience in poly. We've learned so much in the last 10 months, and I feel like this is giving u the chance to sort of review. I'm looking back over our relationship, and seeing what I like, what I don't, what I've read about and want to see more of, etc. And I think you are, in some ways, too. And I like that. I feel like I'm mentally transitioning from having this be a fun experiment, to really wanting to figure out goals for my and our future within the constructs of poly. I have ideals that I shoot for, not with the expectation I'll hit them, but with the hope I'll be able to see my actions and events within the context of who I want to be for myself and for you. As an example, I think we've both expressed an interest in wanting at least some amount of conversation with other partners to be available. And the knowledge that you share that value is changing how I'm making decisions about whether or not/how to go forward with M (new guy from Saturday).

I really really love you alot.