Predator

Another shitty morning.

So, not only did you cheat, you've been in the habit of breaking our rules. Rules you set. Rules you agreed to. And just hoping I wouldn't find out. 

Most recently, the rule you broke wasn't one I asked for for myself. I asked you to always check that you're not damaging or re-traumatizing already traumatized young women. This is not for me, but for them and for you. You failed miserably. 

I read a journal entry on Fetlife by _Raine_ about predators. Let's see how many of these traits and behaviors you have, shall we?

• Manipulative
• well, you cheated and lied, lied about how often you use terms like Master, slave, and make people call you Sir, and continue to try to meet women even when we're trying to deal with this shit
• Going for young, inexperienced, and vulnerable
• she was 18, lonely, and had clearly low self-esteem. You, a 31 year old stranger, chose to tell her she deserved to be raped and abused by her ex boyfriend. You let your insecurities and bullshit be more important than the health and well-being of a teenager. That's predatory if I ever heard it. 
• Refusing to respect boundaries
• You clearly hold our rules and guidelines with little to no regard
• Attempting to isolate
• not too bad about this one
• Sudden fits of agression and rage
• mostly me these days, but I think I'm allowed, considering
• Refusing to take responsibility
• every time I ask why, it's never your fault. You're scared because this happened, you're sad because of that person. Bullshit. Own your own shit. It's not my problem, your ex-wife's problem, and it certainly isn't some poor teenager's problem. 
• Victim blaming
• You told me that teenager wanted it. Nope. Nope. Nope. (lied about that too, didn't you? Said you were cautious about the religion humiliation, didn't bother telling me you told her she was worthless)
• Lack of empathy
• You cry when you start thinking of yourself. You hate seeing me in pain. YOU hate it. Fucker. 

So, you're well on your way to being a predator. I can forgive cheating, but this?

You have a daughter. 1 in 4 girls are sexually assaulted just like that poor teenager. When it's her turn, or one of her friends, what happens then? Whose side do you take? You've taken the side of the man who abused me. You've said some people deserve that. He said the same. 

You are not healthy. You are a sex addict who views people as commodities for his own pleasure. You don't seem to mind breaking them down to self-harming people who can't get out of bed in the morning. You're hurting, and it's your problem. I can't believe how much I love you. And I have no idea how to proceed. 

Humiliation and Punishment

Good morning, Sir.

Sometimes my emotions!

Ok, to start, I have almost no reaction to you having her go pantiless or with a buttplug. I've done both for you, and on my own.

The sandpaper thing- that hurts, and not in the way you'd think. You've brought it up a few times, and as a result, I've been working up to it. I knew it was a fantasy of yours, one I didn't think you'd done before. I really wanted to be the one you did that with. Depending on the activity, most to all of my motivation comes from how turned on it gets you. When you make your list, keep in mind that the things you really want to do, even if they terrify me, I really want to do. It's not about the action, Sir. even if I hate it, the satisfaction of knowing I fulfilled your fantasy will make it impossible to be a true punishment. If we had made the list, this one would have been one I'd have asked for, for exactly that reason.

And please, please, tell me if you're making a profile for someone else. I would never tell you not to. But you being the only one who has access to my profile is almost sacred to me. Words like Master and slave and Sir came with such great difficulty for me, it's hard to see them thrown around about someone else without warning.

Here's my starter list:

Punishments

• sandpaper (even more so now. to have to follow after some slut you barely know and aren't even that interested in would make this emotionally painful and humiliating for me.)
• crawling with my legs tied or taped
• kneeling on rice
• anything that punctures the skin (blood is a tough one for me, but that almost makes this more fascinating to me. simply because it's so difficult)
• tacks 
• knives
• needles
• being peed on
• being used as furniture for longer than a few minutes
• repeatedly being slapped in the face
• making me beg for things I don't want
• keeping me in suspense about what you're going to do, right up until you do it, or even while you're doing it using sensory deprivation. my mind is a terrifying place (this could potentially be punishment, depending on what you're actually doing)

Funishments

• Spanking
• predicament bondage
• being left alone while immobilized and/or blindfolded
• figging
• ice
• nipple play
• tickling
• going pantiless
• wearing butt plugs
• masturbating in a private area of a public place
• wearing a discreet vibrator in public
• choking, breath play
• electric play
• hair pulling
• making me sit in a corner (could be punishment if combined with other things, like how I'm sitting, etc)

Rewards

• making out (by itself. during painful play it's just distracting)
• massages
• touching and cuddling
• ice cream
• being told I'm a good girl
• receiving oral sex
• wax play
• making you laugh

It's a start, at least. 

I'm an idiot sometimes. I set down lines I don't really want. I try to maintain a little control, even when I know I don't need to. I love you, Sir, and I'm sorry to drag you into my crazy once again. I hope this journal helps make sense of the things that my overwhelming emotions can make so fucking blurry. 

I love you, Sir. 

I am not a Domme

Good morning, Sir.

I learned a hard lesson today. I am not a Domme. At least not right now. I'm still a switch. I'm still interested in topping. But I don't know how to be a Domme, and I'm not sure I want to.

I had a sub, Sir. She made me want to be a Domme, for a little while. She sparked that in me. But today, she also helped me realize that isn't who I am. At least not yet. I don't know how to build trust. I don't know how to lead, to accept control. I'm not a Domme.

I hope she and I can stay friends. I still hope to top her one day. But I don't have Domme in me right now. It hurts, but I'm working through it.

I love you, Sir. I love being your slave. I love learning about your twisted fantasies. I love accepting them, exploring them, seeing if they latch on and grow in me. I'm learning to let go, and not want to be your everything. Or at least not expect to be.

I hold myself to much too high of a standard. I no longer fear mistakes, but failure still hurts. I know I'm not perfect at everything. But dammit, I want to be able to do all of it imperfectly! My silly brain doesn't like to admit when it finds a limit. It would much rather run full speed ahead off the cliff than just admit I can't fly and keep my feet on the ground. But limits are as natural as gravity. And I have them, Sir.

I love you, Sir. Thank you for seeing my limits often more clearly than I do.

I Am Exhausted

Good evening, Sir.

I am exhausted. Yesterday, and the weeks leading up to it, have been so draining. I have so little left. But I am yours.

The echoes of worthlessness, selfishness, stupidity resound in my whole self. I do not feel that way, but I remember the feeling so vividly, I react as though it was real. It was real. My reality was so dark, so very small, for so long. I continued to function, going about my day, fulfilling my responsibilities, giving until there was nothing left. I was lost, barely existing.

I know I have changed, though I don't really know how. If you asked me, I couldn't tell you who I was then. I was incomplete, fractured beyond recognition. I only know I have changed because where there was nothing, there is now something. I barely know myself, but I know I'm there to be known.

Today I feel empty. Emotions, actions, thoughts, flitting through me, rather than coming from me, like a breeze through an open window. I am comfortable with the hollowness. The echoes have quieted and I'm at peace. But sometimes the tears come up unexpected. I don't feel like I'm crying. The heat in my face and tension in my throat register before I even notice the tears. The thought, the memory that prompted them has already floated on, and I have no explanation for my emotion.

I am broken, empty, but I am yours, Sir. Your acceptance of my fractured self has helped me heal like nothing else I've ever experienced.

I love you, Sir.

My Answers

Good morning, again.

I wanted to start with an apology. All this time I keep asking for you to share more of yourself with me, but looking back, when you do, I don't hear it. I'm sorry. I get so caught up in my own shit I forget to look out for you.

I love the laughter. The teasing, looking, tickling. The physical closeness. The hugs, cuddles, kisses. The way I for against you when I wrap my arms around you and my head fits under your chin. I love when you let me help you. When you let me feel useful. The way you smile at me when I rant about work, or family, or humanity in general.

I like being the first one you think of. The "primary" (though I know you don't like that word). I like being the one you love most. But I could live without it. I could let you be happy with someone else. I would maybe need to play a less-than-primary role before you met her, though. I don't need to be first, but I also don't want to be replaced. I can be enough without being first. I could take a back seat, let you live your life, and just be a part of it, instead of demanding priority. I don't mean to be selfish, but I know I can be.

I hate the inadequacy. I understand everyone has insecurities, but must ours be so powerful, and so alike? You say you want to be enough, but I'm a bad judge of that. My fucked up history means no one, nothing is ever enough. My crazy brain always wants more. I'm not a good judge of enough. I'm still healing, too. I'm getting better. But don't think you're not enough, because you're not enough for me. That's my problems. Not yours. Well, maybe yours too. But not yours alone. I want very much to give them to you entirely, but I have to own my own shit.

I would love a Master/slave relationship. Where I serve and obey, and you guide and nurture. But I need consistency. I need the security that comes from knowing you'll follow through.

When I submit that fully, you have me. All of me. I give limits beforehand because I don't trust myself to know them in the moment. For example, when you had me crawl to the living room, I wondered briefly what would happen if there was someone else there. And I realized, I probably would've gone ahead with it. There's a very good chance I would've simply trusted you, your judgement. If you'd decided to break a limit, there's a chance I wouldn't have objected in the moment. Because when I submit to you, I give you all of me. That's why sometimes I talk too much and giggle. To keep something for myself. To keep my wits about me. But if I'm going to enter this space, I need to know you've got my best interest in mind every minute. It's a terrifying time for me. And when I get scared, I lash out. I'm so sorry. I just wanted to feel safe.

Your life is inconsistent right now. Moving, leaving, being left, changing constantly. Grieving. Maybe consistency is more than you can give me right now. And that's ok. You can be broken, and still be good enough. But I need you to figure out what you need. If you can't give me Master right now, I understand. You'll always be my love.

Please don't be tempted to offer more than you can give. Even if my requests seem reasonable, even if it's what you want to do, they still might be more than you can do for now. It's not forever.

Maybe serving you to the best of my ability looks like not letting myself stretch so thin I need you to put me back together again. Maybe right now, what you need is a helpful partner, who can be your bottom when it suits us.

I love you oodles. You being enough doesn't mean completely satisfying all of my needs. It means me working as hard as I can to find a relationship dynamic that suits us in this moment, so we can both be a little happier, a little lighter, a little less alone. Because you, without changing a motherfucking thing, are worth my time, my effort, even my tears.

And never, ever forget, pee enough for yourself, first :P

I love you!

Expectations revisited

Good morning, Sir.

I love you. I wanted to ask you some questions to help figure out where we go from here.

What do you love about our relationship? What actions, attitudes, moments, patterns, would you definitely want to keep?

What do you like about our relationship, that you're willing to live without? The luxury things, the things that make you feel extra special, but aren't the most satisfying or necessary day to day things?

What are you trying to avoid altogether? What things do you want to ensure we do not repeat, either from our relationship with each other, or previous ones?

What's your ideal going forward?

What's your biggest fear?

I'm going to answer these questions myself. I'm not going to post them yet, though. I want you to have your own answers, without being influenced by mine, then we can share them together. I can't help but wonder if maybe you and I are so caught up in being who other people want us to be, that we're ignoring the fact that we very likely want alot of the same things.

In writing my answers, the overall theme for me is this- I love you so very much, and I'm willing to work and sacrifice to make this work.

I love you, Sir.

Role play

Good evening, Sir.

I had some other thoughts about the suggested role play.

I'm ok with you using a knife, as long as I don't actually get cut. I'm ok with you creating cutting-like sensations if you'd like, but no blood.

I'm ok with you cutting off or otherwise destroying my clothing, as long as I know what day it's happening, so I can choose what to wear.

I'm ok with being gagged and blindfolded. If I'm gagged or otherwise can't speak, I will snap my fingers or tap your body as my safe word. One tap/snap is yellow. Stop and check in. I'll nod when I'm ready to continue. Repeated taps or snaps is red. If is red, free my hands and anything I won't be able to get out of on my own, then back away. Otherwise normal safe words apply.

I'm ok with water play. I had said not in my face, but I'm thinking further I'm actually ok with you asking for that. I'm just nervous because I'm not sure I can do it. But if I can't, we can go with that. I'd probably refuse in that situation, anyway. Might make it more realistic if I can't or won't.

I'm ok with you tying me up and leaving me alone in a room for up to 15 minutes. 

I'm ok with anything we've already done together. I will struggle and scream, but will try not to actually incapacitate you, or alarm the neighbors. I will genuinely try to get away from you.

Aftercare will involve snuggles, maybe alone time, probably a shower, and definitely ice cream (preferable homemade). I know you take time to process things, and I do too. But I will want to get some feedback from you as soon as you have it. I'd prefer not to have to ask, and just have you tell me. I may feel a little anxious about how you reacted to everything, and any little bit you can give me will help with that.

I'd prefer we schedule this on maybe a Friday or Saturday, so I don't have to worry about getting up for work the next day. I may want to be excused from chores and other responsibilities for a while after. I have no idea how much this will take out of me. I'd prefer to assume alot, though probably only a medium amount.

I love you, Sir. I'm excited. Also nervous.

Sir

Good morning.

I've spent a little time now choosing, rather than feeling obligated, to serve. The one thing that I'm not really ready to reintroduce right this moment is calling you Sir. It may just be a word, but to me it signifies deference. I'm not able to automatically defer to you right now. I still serve. I still love you. But I need to think for myself, do for myself. And sometimes that looks like loving and nurturing and helping you. Because I love you. And that's how I show it.

I do miss calling you Sir. But right now I need to own myself, own my own shit.

I love you.

Reboot

Good morning.

Last night D texted me. We got to chatting and he asked what I was up to. I could tell he wanted me to come over, but I couldn't. Because you were out, and had been drinking, and weren't sure how you were going to get home. So I told D, I was waiting to see if you needed a ride. And he asked a very simple question. "Why is that your problem?"

I started typing this paragraph of an explanation. About how I was living with you, taking care of you, blah blah blah. Then it hit me. I deleted all of that, and replied "I guess it really isn't." And I went to see him. Because I wanted to.

My recent frustration is due to several things. But last night I realized that within this experiment, this contract, this service relationship, I've allowed some real imbalances to happen in my own life. I'm so busy taking care of you, I've left myself out to dry. I've lost track of myself. And it's not fair to ask you to fix that for me.

You may have noticed I stopped calling you Sir last night. It was unintentional at first. Then I felt frustrated, and continued briefly out of spite. I wondered if that would change when I saw you in person. I deliberately kept myself from calling you that when I got home. And it felt wonderful! I was so relieved.

I love you very much. And I love submitting to you and serving you. But I'm still learning how to do that in a healthy way. I lost track of why I was submitting. It became a chore, a burden. And that's just stupid. I don't want to to that. So I'm taking a break.

We've already discussed the fact that I'd like to make some changes. But I think in order for this to really work for me, I need to reboot. I need some time off to really think clearly about what I want. So until we figure out how we want to proceed, I'm going to focus more I myself, and taking care of my own needs. This doesn't necessarily mean I won't still help out with the things I know you like. But I refuse to feel obligated to do them. If I do, it will be my choice. Because I do love you. I love helping you and taking care of you. I hope you understand.

I love you.

Interesting Idea

Good morning, Sir.

I had an interesting idea today. It might be completely stupid, or amazingly genius. Either way, I'm surprised I never thought of it before.

Would you be at all interesting in role play? Not just any role play, but a very specific one. What if we pretended were just met. You seem to struggle with not wanting to disrupt our dynamic, but I crave the dynamic you have with other subby girls. You could just push done of our relationship to the background for a moment, we could chat and flirt, set up a date, start over in that way, a little.

I was much more fragile and inexperienced when we met than I am now. I've grown stronger, thanks in large part to you. Meet me now. With these interests, these fantasies that I have. And act it yours. And when we're done with the date, we can still have this dynamic that you love, for the most part. (I love it too).

I love you, Sir. Is this a totally weird idea? Or could it be really sexy?

Resdiual Feelings

Good morning, Sir.

I'm still feeling things, Sir. Guilt, shame, anxiety, vulnerability. But I'm trying to focus on how much I love you. It helps.

I don't like needing things, Sir. I struggle with being open enough to get hurt. I don't like taking risks, because I'm afraid it won't turn out right. I feel like a better submissive might have just dealt with this.

I know in my head that these arrangements are for the benefit of both/all involved. If my needs aren't being met I should speak up. But it's hard to not feel like I'm not submissive enough.

There's this weird cycle going on with us, I think. I came into this relationship having a difficult time identifying my emotions and reactions, unaware of my limits. This caused you to tread lightly. You've been perfect! But then I don't want you to think I'm too fragile, so I start trying to tough things out. Eventually that doesn't pan out, and I'm emotional and you're back to handling me with kid gloves.

Problem is, I want to grow stronger. I know this happens when I'm pushed, and I have trouble pushing myself, so I want you to do it. Maybe I'm growing faster than you can keep up. Or maybe I'm rushing, not giving myself enough time to process these changes as they happen. Probably some of each, knowing us, Sir.

I realized something the other day. I was trying to imagine my future, not specifically with you, just in general. And it occurred to me that I no longer believe relationships last. I automatically assume they'll all end in some way or another. I remember in school reading about how kids with trauma histories will often have a foreshortened view of their life. I have that with relationships. I believe my life will continue for a while, at least I hope so. But I have trouble picturing it, and I assume all relationships will end someday. It's not the craziest assumption. Statistically it's probably fairly accurate. But to me, it sounds like I've lost hope for it. I want to get that back, at least a little. Maybe that'll be something I work on when I get my new therapist. Whenever that is.

I love you, Sir. I'm complicated and irrational, but I crave you. I want to feel my own strength, my own finiteness. I would love for you to be the one I do that with. But if not, know you will always have my love, Sir. The rest is just icing.

Fear of Failure

Hello again Sir.

So much of my previous post was just a fear of failure. Failure as your slave, failure of this experiment. But that's what this is- an experiment. We started looking to see if this would work, you and I exploring some of our fantasies together. If this relationship structure doesn't work, we find one that will.

I love you, Sir. Always.

Master

Good morning, Sir.

I love you. This has been brewing in my head for a couple days, but I couldn't quite make sense of it till this morning.

I'd like to talk again about my expectations for you, Sir. I know the last time we spoke this was all very new, so it was hard to say what to expect. You were so kind and loving when you explained I could expect you to be communicative and listen to my concerns. That is the best answer any new slave could hope for. 

When you talked about me giving you a rim job, my initial reaction was negative, Sir. I couldn't quite figure out why. I have nothing against it, though I've never done it. But it would be submissive, and you'd like it, and I want to try new things. I've even considered doing it before, while licking your balls. Yet my gut reaction was "No!" And that actually helped me realize something very important.

I have been working hard to serve you, Sir. I love taking care of you. I love that you feel you can count on me to cook, clean, and love on you when you need it, how you need it, sometimes without you even having to ask.

I have goals in this relationship. I wanted to be your slave to learn and grow. I want to try things, to be pushed and tested. I want to feel my own limits and my strengths. We've talked about increasing my pain tolerance. But it's inconsistent. I've found myself caning my own thighs, practicing with nipple clamps, anally training myself, trying to hold my own orgasms while masturbating. I feel like I can't count on you to train me in the way that I need. I know you're very busy. I know you want a slave who can be proactive and not too needy. But I'm new.

My reaction to you asking me to lick your ass had nothing to do with the action. I simply didn't want to be asked for something else for you, when my own needs are being so inconsistently met.

I had trouble with calling you Master before for many reasons. Now it's just the one. I don't feel Mastered. I don't feel owned or trained. And that's ok. Maybe that's what you need right now. Maybe this is all you've got to give, and I understand that. You've got alot going on. But we need to figure out what reasonable expectations are. Otherwise I'm worried I'm just going to get resentful and burn out.

I love you so very much, Sir. I don't want to criticize or judge you. But we started this experiment to see if we wanted to be Master and slave. And maybe that Durant work for you right now. Or maybe I'm not someone you feel like you want to Master. I just need to know we're on the same page, Sir.