Reboot

Good morning.

Last night D texted me. We got to chatting and he asked what I was up to. I could tell he wanted me to come over, but I couldn't. Because you were out, and had been drinking, and weren't sure how you were going to get home. So I told D, I was waiting to see if you needed a ride. And he asked a very simple question. "Why is that your problem?"

I started typing this paragraph of an explanation. About how I was living with you, taking care of you, blah blah blah. Then it hit me. I deleted all of that, and replied "I guess it really isn't." And I went to see him. Because I wanted to.

My recent frustration is due to several things. But last night I realized that within this experiment, this contract, this service relationship, I've allowed some real imbalances to happen in my own life. I'm so busy taking care of you, I've left myself out to dry. I've lost track of myself. And it's not fair to ask you to fix that for me.

You may have noticed I stopped calling you Sir last night. It was unintentional at first. Then I felt frustrated, and continued briefly out of spite. I wondered if that would change when I saw you in person. I deliberately kept myself from calling you that when I got home. And it felt wonderful! I was so relieved.

I love you very much. And I love submitting to you and serving you. But I'm still learning how to do that in a healthy way. I lost track of why I was submitting. It became a chore, a burden. And that's just stupid. I don't want to to that. So I'm taking a break.

We've already discussed the fact that I'd like to make some changes. But I think in order for this to really work for me, I need to reboot. I need some time off to really think clearly about what I want. So until we figure out how we want to proceed, I'm going to focus more I myself, and taking care of my own needs. This doesn't necessarily mean I won't still help out with the things I know you like. But I refuse to feel obligated to do them. If I do, it will be my choice. Because I do love you. I love helping you and taking care of you. I hope you understand.

I love you.