Bruising

Good morning, Sir.

Last night you spanked me till I cried again. I actually don't mind crying. It's very relaxing afterwards. I've been having a busy week, and I was grateful for the release. Apparently I don't bruise well though, Sir. I have a few purpley spots, but mostly it itches. The skin is still pink, and sitting for any length of time is uncomfortable.

The only time I really missed it was when I we're to walk the dog and there was another ticket on my car. I forgot to renew my registration last week, and I got tickets two days in a row. I was able to take care of it today, Sir. I'm not worried about it. But I found when I was stressed and frustrated by my situation, the sensations I felt sitting were enough to make me wish I hadn't let you continue, Sir. Once the other emotions faded, that went away. I'm actually enjoying seeing the marks you left. Honestly, I think if it were pain I wouldn't have minded so much. But I find myself easily overwhelmed by assurance, like tickling or itching feelings, more so than by pain.

One final thought is I wonder how D will react this evening if he sees the marks. I've never talked to him about tycoons aspect of our relationship, Sir. I'm not afraid or ashamed to. But I'm guessing that may come up, Sir. In considering everything, I feel no need to hide this aspect of my life from anyone I'm sleeping with, or my doctors, Sir. I feel it's important for these groups of people to know the truth, and don't feel the need to participate in any stigma by hiding it.

Expectations

Good morning Sir.

Last night and this morning I've been toying with a couple weird fantasies. In each one, there is a running theme of me feeling angry or hurt by you, and figuring out how to deal with it. I've noticed I sometimes do this when I'm feeling something, and don't know what to attribute my reaction to. I create a story to justify my feelings.

I've been feeling a little frustrated, Sir. I've realized this morning that has alot to do with the fact that I don't quite know what to expect from you, Sir. We've spoken quite a bit about expectations from me, though to be fair, not too much has changed in the day to day. But we really haven't discussed what I can expect from you. I know we're still figuring this all out, and I'm not trying to place blame. To be honest, I've been so preoccupied with my own things, I haven't bothered to ask. But it's something worth thinking about, Sir. For example, yesterday morning in the shower, I was worrying about the position you taught me. Suddenly here's this new thing you've presented me with (pun intended) and I don't know what purpose it has, or when you might use it. I know I should trust you, and I do. But I also know I can take a while to process my reaction to things. I worry that something that may not seem particularly significant to you, will actually affect me a great deal and I want to make sure I have the time to react before being given a new task or expectation.

I love you, Sir. I know you want what's best for me, but this is still so new.

Service as Love

Good morning, Sir.

One thing I noticed this weekend while I was with B was my increased attention to talking care of things for him. I'm finding myself more aware of what people need and want, and learning to anticipate them and help them. I'm more focused on how I can be helpful as a way to care for people. This has good and bad consequences. But I like to think about the fact that this week has already begun to change how I think day to day.

At the same time, I'm finding that when I'm with other partners, I feel like I should be taking advantage of the time to focus a little more on myself. I'm aware of the potential for burnout and don't want to push myself too far. Sometimes I'm able to do that, and refresh myself. But I also noticed myself more reluctant to voice an opinion with B than I usually am, and that concerned me a little. I wanted to do what he wanted, but I need to focus more on my personal boundaries and expectations for myself in my other relationships.

Switching

Good afternoon, Sir.

I forgot to write yesterday morning. I thought of it in the afternoon, but couldn't think of anything to write about.

Today I'm aware of my switchiness. I'm working to serve and submit to Sir and being a good little slave. But I'm also aware of my dominant side. I love when I can learn about being a dominant from Sir. He's a very good example. Not that he's perfect, but he's very good at acknowledging his imperfection and working to be better.

I'm enjoying the increased level of service. Though I don't really feel like I qualify as a slave. The word "slave" is losing much of its negative implications. But wow I don't mind being called slave, I wonder if part of that is due to the fact that I don't feel like one. I'm certainly more submissive. But I still have lots of freedom. Maybe this is simply a different slavery than what's in my mind. Maybe I am a slave, and just had the wrong idea going in. I don't know. At the end of the day, I'm not sure I care, as long as Sir is happy. The rest is just words. I just want to make his life easier, make his day better, maybe even make him smile a little.

Spanking

Good morning, Sir.

Last night, I cried for the first time during a spanking. I was embarrassed at the time, but overall I'm satisfied. I had been wondering what it would take to bring me to that point. Of course, Sir was wonderful and cuddled me immediately. I would almost have preferred he keep going than having to show him my tears. But that's just my own pride.

Sir and I also talked about my refusal of sex the previous night. He is so good to me. He wants to ensure he's not asking too much, since we're experimenting and not wanting to affect too much of the other aspects of our lives. Sir said maybe some day we will create a rule around it, but there really wasn't one at the time.

Then this morning, it struck me. To make a rule around not being able to refuse sex would be consensual non-consent. I'm ok with that, but it would require a pretty important conversation. The part of me that still felt vaguely guilty about the night before was the part that simply assumed I was supposed to just have sex whenever he wanted it, regardless of what I wanted. That may eventually be a part of our relationship. But it isn't right now, and hasn't been for us before.

I feel like I'm learning so much.

On Limits

Good morning, Sir.

Today I wanted to write about what's been on my mind. It's about natural limits. I've been learning to pay attention to my emotional limits and boundaries, and exploring my physical ones.

Last night I refused to have sex with Sir. I was exhausted. I've been sleeping less than I'm used to, since I've been waking up to serve him breakfast. Not much less, just an hour or two. But it caught up with me. I'm having a million clashing reactions. I'm feeling guilty, justified, sad, curious, and yes, still tired. This morning, my sleepy thoughts went as follows- I should have just had sex with him.

I'm glad we've found a place to start learning. I'm figuring out how to accept this as a normal reaction and deciding what the options are for dealing with it. At the end of the day, I'm just one person. I have work and personal relationships, and there are many people who want things from me throughout the day. Physically, this is tiring.

Something interesting happened yesterday. I'm waiting to see if it becomes a regular occurrence. One fear of mine was that increased expectations of service in this relationship would result in less energy left for other people. But yesterday, though I was physically tired, I found myself feeling emotionally energized and connected with others. I wonder if it's connected with serving and learning to put another's needs before my own. I'm curious to see if it continues.

Goodmorning, Sir

Goodmorning, Sir. This is the first journal entry. I will be chronicling my experience of our exploration of a Master/slave relationship. For anyone else reading, this experiment is entirely consensual, and follows months of friendship, romantic relationship, and Dom/sub sexual exploits. This is our relationship, and will follow what rules we as a couple, and Sir as my Master decide. As Sir so beautifully stated the other day, this can be whatever we want it to be. It does not need to fit some mold created by others of what our relationship should look like.

I'm still learning what kind of things I should be journaling about. I know I often struggle with not being aware of my emotions until they are problematic. I'm trying to learn more self-awareness and communication. I'm sure these changes to us will provoke some interesting reactions in me.

Last night I woke in the middle of the night feeling very anxious. I was, and continue to be, unable to identify the cause of my anxiety. I've loved serving Sir this weekend, but I wonder how that will change as I go back to work, and the novelty of seeing him starts to wear off.

There are two main fears and concerns I've been able to identify. One is that I will lose myself into this relationship. While I know I've taken steps to prevent this, it will likely remain a fear for a long time. I want to ensure that my own self is still acknowledged. The other is tied to this- I'm worried I will grow resentful. I love Sir, and know he is worth my service, but I can be selfish. I don't always trust that he is looking out for me, even though I know he's never shown himself to be untrustworthy. The way to prevent both of these is to continue to identify and voice my reactions to our power exchange, without the expectation that they will change the relationship, but simply in order to deal with them together in as healthy a way as possible.

In my few months exploring the world and population of BDSM, I've managed to determine what I do not want. I do not want to submit to find worth. I do not want to engage in empty performance. I do not want to lose the genuine and real connection I have with Sir. I am working on a meditation of sorts to prepare my mind in the mornings.

This is a new day.
Today I choose to serve Sir.
I choose to serve out of love for Sir.
I choose to serve not to find or increase my worth, but because Sir is worthy of my service, and I am worthy of his love.
I serve not because I am less, but because through service I become more.
I serve not because I am weak, but because through service I become stronger.
I serve because I love.

It's not perfect. Just a rough draft. But I hope you can see what I'm getting at.