Good morning love.
I just woke up. Spontaneously fully awake. And you had messages me just a few minutes before, loving me and wishing we could have talked. I had fallen asleep with the lights on, my phone in my hands, and my arms wrapped around a pillow. But I fell asleep thinking about you, feeling so very loved.
I was poking around online and read a line from Pablo Neruda
But I love your feet
only because they walked
upon the earth an upon
the wind and upon the waters,
until they found me.
And I started thinking about how some people are into foot worship. And while I think it's gross, and you'd be ticklish and uncomfortable, I love your feet, too! I would love on them if you wanted me too.
In my last entry I mentioned that I'm questioning if I'm really submissive. And I am still questioning. But there's no doubt in my mind that I love you, and that I genuinely love serving you because you love it.
I mentioned on our date (which I probably shouldn't have, I don't actually remember all of that night) that I'd realized why I react so strongly in some situations with you. It's a complex reaction really, with layers from different times, and different emotions. Ultimately, I'm absolutely terrified of losing you. I love you so very much. But I fear not being good enough. I worry that if I say no to something, you'll love me less. In part, this fear is from when you cheated. But that reaction has held on strongly, because the roots were already there. Not being good enough has been a theme of the love I've experienced for much of my life. And it feels normal for me to jump back there. I can imagine this seems very sudden and illogical to you, but it's unfortunately quite a natural place for me to be. I don't expect you to do anything with this information. But I hope knowing it will make those moments less overwhelming for both of us.
Right now, I'm grateful for the separation. I hate it, but I see how useful it is in forcing me to truly own myself. I try very hard to blame you for things, but that's more difficult to do with you so far away. And I can no longer worry that your interest is purely sexual, or that you'd find someone better and lose interest in me. Part of it is that I'm growing as a person. But much of it is due to the fact that we can still choose to love each other well, even when the apparent benefits of this relationship have dwindled somewhat. I love you!
