Fucking Emotions

Good morning, love.

After taking some time, the real cause of my emotional reaction has become more and more clear. I've talked to you about some of this already. But essentially it's not that I feel I'm owed something. It's just that I've put so much of myself into this relationship, and I'm scared that when you leave, I'm going to lose it.

I love you so much. There are going to be other girls (and guys) who want to serve you, who share your fantasies, who arouse your mind and body. But I can't imagine serving anyone else. I know it might seem like I'm the one with all the partners, the freedom to explore. But really, you're irreplaceable to me. That's not to say that I'm not irreplaceable to you. It's just that your sex with other people might look alot like your sex with me. And that's scary sometimes. Even though I know the sex isn't the same as the relationship.

You are my Dom, my Sir, my Master. You always have been. I can't imagine a time when you won't be. We may not engage in a power exchange, but the power is still there. You have it. It's absolutely terrifying, but you do.

I love watching you get stronger as yourself. Telling people who you are instead of letting them tell you who you should be. It struck me the other day that one of the most repeated conversations we had while I was your slave was around what I could expect from you. You couldn't tell me. You didn't know. That's becoming less and less true, and it's so beautiful.

I love you. I'm scared of all the things that means, all the ways it could impact my life, but I love you anyway. And I'm not going to stop.

Delayed Reaction

Well, that was unexpected. I think I sort of prepped myself for your "update" yesterday. I know how sensitive you can be to my reactions, and I don't want to throw you off from pursuing experiences that will make you happy. But the real reaction came this morning. Like a zamboni.

I'm still really angry. Not about the betrayal so much. But I feel like I paid for something I didn't get. And hearing that you're talking about giving it to someone else who didn't pay nearly as much is really hurtful. And it's pissing me the fuck off.

As your slave, I pushed myself hard. I kept schedules, did chores I dislike, focused on you before myself. I faced past trauma, fears, and things I don't understand or that I find pretty gross. And I was open. I wanted to give you whatever I could to make you happy. This included a rape scene. I was pretty excited about it, too. But it still scared me. I agreed to not one, but two of my soft limits for you in the space of the scene. I let myself enter into subspace for the first and only time. I gave you everything.

I didn't get what I paid for. I didn't get to try my new things. Maybe you were feeling our lack of connection at that point, but that's on you. But the gifts I had so carefully selected and wrapped and presented at great cost to myself went unopened and unused. I didn't get to share my subspace with you, either. I was your slave, but you weren't my Master. I was your victim, but you weren't my rapist. I didn't get what I paid for.

I'm still pretty emotional. So I'm trying not to make sweeping statements demanding what I deserve before you give it to anyone else. But I will remind you I need to "meet" this person before you do anything with her.

I thought I was more over this. And in many ways I am. But I'm losing you, and I hate it. Because you're bringing so much of me with you. And dammit, I want what I paid for.

Your Fantasy

Good morning!

Just catching up on some of your messages, and I noticed you brought up the fantasy of having a dinner party where your girl serves you and then becomes dessert. I wanted to let you know, that one is actually pretty important to me. That's one you shared with me a long time ago, when we were first dating. Looking back, I think it was how you gauged my interest in BDSM. My reaction was anxiety. I didn't know you well, I was still learning to trust you, and I didn't feel in control of my relationship with you. But at the same time, I was falling for you. So this fantasy of your is tied to that time in my life, for me.

I confess, hearing you talk about it with another girl, even one you will almost certainly never meet, brought up a similar anxiety. I wanted to claim that fantasy as mine. But it isn't mine. It's yours. And then I realized, if you ever make that fantasy a reality, I DO want to be involved. But it doesn't actually matter to me what capacity I'm involved in. Maybe there's two slaves. Maybe I'm a guest, or cohost with you. Maybe you're really mean and tie me in a corner and don't let me play. Doesn't matter. I don't have to be the center of your fantasy. I just want to be involved in your life. I want to be there to see your face as you watch this fantasy play out. I want to see your happiness, your lust, your fulfillment. That's the part I'm jealous of. The rest doesn't matter.

I love you very very much.

On a related note, I am interested in group scenes, particularly those involving consensual non-consent. It would probably take some work before I'd be ready to do it without having a panic attack. But I've often fantasized about being tied to a bed and blindfolded and having people come in and fuck me and leave, or going to a play party and being used by multiple people at once, or even borrowed your service fantasy on occasion :)