Delayed Reaction

Well, that was unexpected. I think I sort of prepped myself for your "update" yesterday. I know how sensitive you can be to my reactions, and I don't want to throw you off from pursuing experiences that will make you happy. But the real reaction came this morning. Like a zamboni.

I'm still really angry. Not about the betrayal so much. But I feel like I paid for something I didn't get. And hearing that you're talking about giving it to someone else who didn't pay nearly as much is really hurtful. And it's pissing me the fuck off.

As your slave, I pushed myself hard. I kept schedules, did chores I dislike, focused on you before myself. I faced past trauma, fears, and things I don't understand or that I find pretty gross. And I was open. I wanted to give you whatever I could to make you happy. This included a rape scene. I was pretty excited about it, too. But it still scared me. I agreed to not one, but two of my soft limits for you in the space of the scene. I let myself enter into subspace for the first and only time. I gave you everything.

I didn't get what I paid for. I didn't get to try my new things. Maybe you were feeling our lack of connection at that point, but that's on you. But the gifts I had so carefully selected and wrapped and presented at great cost to myself went unopened and unused. I didn't get to share my subspace with you, either. I was your slave, but you weren't my Master. I was your victim, but you weren't my rapist. I didn't get what I paid for.

I'm still pretty emotional. So I'm trying not to make sweeping statements demanding what I deserve before you give it to anyone else. But I will remind you I need to "meet" this person before you do anything with her.

I thought I was more over this. And in many ways I am. But I'm losing you, and I hate it. Because you're bringing so much of me with you. And dammit, I want what I paid for.