My Answers

Good morning, again.

I wanted to start with an apology. All this time I keep asking for you to share more of yourself with me, but looking back, when you do, I don't hear it. I'm sorry. I get so caught up in my own shit I forget to look out for you.

I love the laughter. The teasing, looking, tickling. The physical closeness. The hugs, cuddles, kisses. The way I for against you when I wrap my arms around you and my head fits under your chin. I love when you let me help you. When you let me feel useful. The way you smile at me when I rant about work, or family, or humanity in general.

I like being the first one you think of. The "primary" (though I know you don't like that word). I like being the one you love most. But I could live without it. I could let you be happy with someone else. I would maybe need to play a less-than-primary role before you met her, though. I don't need to be first, but I also don't want to be replaced. I can be enough without being first. I could take a back seat, let you live your life, and just be a part of it, instead of demanding priority. I don't mean to be selfish, but I know I can be.

I hate the inadequacy. I understand everyone has insecurities, but must ours be so powerful, and so alike? You say you want to be enough, but I'm a bad judge of that. My fucked up history means no one, nothing is ever enough. My crazy brain always wants more. I'm not a good judge of enough. I'm still healing, too. I'm getting better. But don't think you're not enough, because you're not enough for me. That's my problems. Not yours. Well, maybe yours too. But not yours alone. I want very much to give them to you entirely, but I have to own my own shit.

I would love a Master/slave relationship. Where I serve and obey, and you guide and nurture. But I need consistency. I need the security that comes from knowing you'll follow through.

When I submit that fully, you have me. All of me. I give limits beforehand because I don't trust myself to know them in the moment. For example, when you had me crawl to the living room, I wondered briefly what would happen if there was someone else there. And I realized, I probably would've gone ahead with it. There's a very good chance I would've simply trusted you, your judgement. If you'd decided to break a limit, there's a chance I wouldn't have objected in the moment. Because when I submit to you, I give you all of me. That's why sometimes I talk too much and giggle. To keep something for myself. To keep my wits about me. But if I'm going to enter this space, I need to know you've got my best interest in mind every minute. It's a terrifying time for me. And when I get scared, I lash out. I'm so sorry. I just wanted to feel safe.

Your life is inconsistent right now. Moving, leaving, being left, changing constantly. Grieving. Maybe consistency is more than you can give me right now. And that's ok. You can be broken, and still be good enough. But I need you to figure out what you need. If you can't give me Master right now, I understand. You'll always be my love.

Please don't be tempted to offer more than you can give. Even if my requests seem reasonable, even if it's what you want to do, they still might be more than you can do for now. It's not forever.

Maybe serving you to the best of my ability looks like not letting myself stretch so thin I need you to put me back together again. Maybe right now, what you need is a helpful partner, who can be your bottom when it suits us.

I love you oodles. You being enough doesn't mean completely satisfying all of my needs. It means me working as hard as I can to find a relationship dynamic that suits us in this moment, so we can both be a little happier, a little lighter, a little less alone. Because you, without changing a motherfucking thing, are worth my time, my effort, even my tears.

And never, ever forget, pee enough for yourself, first :P

I love you!