Deliberate

Good morning.

I was thinking a lot about our conversation a few days ago. About how your actions with D seemed deliberate. I was able to come to some realizations that I hope will help you understand where I'm coming from.

You and I had rules. You showed your knowledge of those rules by feeding me half-truths that followed them, and making suggestions about how to follow those rules, like me meeting D, or us making a list of what I was ok with you doing with her. You then proceeded to break those rules.

I'm here to tell you- this was the definition of deliberate.

When I spoke to you the other day, I called that rule breaking "deliberate", a word I borrowed from my conversation with D. You got upset, and stated that it wasn't. The word seemed to provoke a very emotional reaction, and you expressed feeling like it wasn't deliberate.

We've talked before about the various ways we're fucked up. I've definitely alienated certain of my traits and emotions to better suit the life I felt pressured to live. I know what it's like to struggle to bring them back into myself.

Even if it didn't feel deliberate, it was. That's what deliberate feels like. You've talked to me before about ways you know you're not doing well. And I'll do what I can to call you on your shit. But here's the thing- only you can keep this from happening again. You need to take a look at this.

The reason I'm so uncomfortable with you dominating anyone is the fact that, despite all this, you felt like you couldn't help this. Like you couldn't stop it. So both myself and D got hurt. Because, guess what? We allowed you to take control over us, and you couldn't even control yourself.

Until you can learn to control yourself, I will never be comfortable with you taking control from anyone. Power exchanges of any kind are off the table. This is the crux of the lack of trust I have for you. I can't heal from the pain and fear that you'll do something intentionally to hurt me while knowing that this didn't feel intentional to you. It's simply not possible.

I love you. I don't want to hurt you.