What I Want

Hi love.

I'm trying to piece together what's been going on with me recently. And I realized something the other day. When I went looking for a therapist this summer, one of the things I wanted to look at was the fact that I couldn't see further than a few months ahead. It wasn't so much that I doubted I had a future, but my past had made it impossible for me to plan or even guess what it might look like. I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but that's changed. I'm thinking more long term. Not definite plans per se. But I'm prioritizing differently. It feels significant.

While my current emotional state is annoyingly complex, it can ultimately be boiled down to one thing- I'm still learning that I don't have to do what I don't want to do, and that what I want matters. That's the common thread in my realizations about relationship roles or living together. It's not so much that I don't want to serve you or live with you. I'm just still learning that I can actually do what I want. I don't need to accommodate others unconditionally. I can choose to live my personal life to suit my own needs, even if those are the same needs that I'm ashamed and angry to have in the first place.

I'm still not entirely comfortable having needs. I've compromised my own desires relationally and even sexually in the past, and it's brought me to places I don't like. I feel obligated to give people what they want. I'm terrified of disappointing people, because ultimately I'm terrified of rejection. I've been working through a bunch of old stuff recently. It's exhausting and unsettling, but I already feel it's worth it. I hope that feeling continues, because I'm not really sure when this will resolve.

I love you so much.