Words mean things

Good morning love!

I'm in a weird emotional state this morning. I've been struggling the last few weeks, trying to figure out what I want. This post may ramble some, but I'm feeling quite jumbled today.

Words mean things. This simple sentence explains huge portions of the fights I've had with you. When you used to engage with women online in a way where they behaved like your sub or slave, even if you felt ambivalent, even if there was almost no chance of you ever meeting, it hurt. Because words mean things to me. Those felt like relationships to me, even if they didn't to you.

I tend to fantasize quite a bit. I live a lot of my life in my head. When we make plans, even half-hearted ones, I can latch on and get very attached. It's not your fault. But when things fall through, like movies, or road trips, even if there are very good reasons and I cognitively understand, it still hurts me.

You've said before that you can see this being a forever relationship. As terrifying as it is to me, I can too. To me, this means I want to be mentioned to potential other partners. I've never had a conversation with someone and not mentioned you, or at least the fact that I'm in a committed long-distance relationship. If that's not a place you're at right now, I do understand. Distance is hard, and it's only been a year. I know I've been struggling recently, and talking about the different ways I see us. I wonder if maybe living together for you is part of the forever relationship. I know the assumptions I make aren't necessarily the only way to do things, or even the best way. I want to really talk about all of this with you, but I'm scared.

I'm noticing a hesitation to talk to you about emotional stuff right now. I'm really struggling with the vulnerability of being intimate with someone so far away. I'm learning to accept the fact that you might mean more to me than I do to you. Or maybe not, I don't really know.

I know I love you, and I know you love me too. Those words mean things, too.