Clarity

Good morning!

I woke up today with clarity. My mood has been slowly improving. But today's the first time in a little while I actually feel clear headed. It's a relief.

I get insecure sometimes. I'm not a simple person. I've got baggage. But unfortunately, the same baggage that underpins my insecurities, also makes it unbelievably difficult for me to talk about them sometimes.

When I feel insecure or stressed I often fall into old patterns, specifically, into feeling like I'm not supposed to have feelings or needs. Particularly when I know you're stressed as well, I struggle with myself, with the internalized message that my problems aren't so bad, that I need to stop whining and just handle them, that I shouldn't need help, and I definitely shouldn't bother anyone. I feel this weird pressure to have no needs, to just be this pristine helper and healer. I want to fix all your problems, and have none of my own. Because that's how life works, right?

I'm ashamed of not having it together. Not of the cutesy humorous stuff, but of the real, my-mistakes-and-shortcomings-affect-other-people's-lives-negatively shit. I hate owning up to stuff because all my life I've been made to feel like my mistakes made me a terrible person. I know I don't have to. But it's hard to break that kind of conditioning.

I want to ask that if you're dealing with something, you let me know. If you can't listen to me sometimes because of your own life stuff, just tell me. It would be comforting to know I'm not an imposition. But I don't want to put all that on you.

I want to be a positive influence in your life. I want to be the one you come to when you're hurting or scared or angry. I want to do the same with you, but sometimes the words catch in my throat, and I'm not sure why. So I just strangle on them quietly, preferring not to bother you, thinking that if I'm stupid enough to have problems I deserve to deal with them alone. Completely illogical, but still so fucking embedded in my mind.

I love you! Thank you for working on facing these uncomfortable emotions with me. I know you tend to keep things in sometimes, too, for your own reasons. But when I see you face them and address them and give them words, I feel encouraged and so intimate with you. So I keep trying, too.