Saturday, December 5, 2015

Worthless

Good morning my love.

I had a weird experience with B last weekend. It brought to light the fact that I don't really trust him. I've known for a while that he can't tell the difference between when I'm feeling pleasure or pain. He typically errs on the positive, believing I'm enjoying myself even if I'm not. I really don't think this is malicious in any way. Just immature. He lives like someone who hasn't fucked up enough to know what to look for. But this ignorance, combined with my insecurities around rejection, has lead to some situations that have damaged my trust.

I'm trying to work through things. I know that in some ways at least blame is shared. I also know I tend to be very hard on myself, and want to try to remain balanced. I'm anxious about how to bring this up to B. How much to share to allow for growth from this, instead of more damage.

But more than any of that, I spent the week disoriented and numb. I was shaken by just how much my issues have impacted my perspective and my actions. I've been thinking I've been doing so well, and in many ways that's true. I've come very far. But this week, I realized there's still a part of me that feels worthless. There's still a part that doesn't dare voice what I really want for fear of rejection. It's paralyzing and it's lead me to allow some unhealthy expectations of myself and my relationships.

I'm not sure how this plays out. I'm not sure where resolution will come from. For now, I am accepting it. It just is. I feel lighter knowing about it, like I was so ashamed of being ashamed that I hid it from myself to protect myself. I'm actively tuning in to myself, like I did when you and I started dating, trying to figure out what I want and asking for it. I hate how easy it is for me to ignore what's going on inside my head.

For whatever reason, my relationship with you doesn't seem to have been affected as much by this round of self-discovery. You and I have had our fair share of issues. But ultimately they've forced me to be very genuine and immediate with you. All of our shared crazy has helped me learn how to handle these things with you. Thank you for being supportive when you're able, and being willing to be uncomfortable and in pain along side me. Thank you for growing with me. Thank you for being the one person I can share this with, without shame or fear, when I couldn't even do that with myself. I love you more than I could ever say.

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