Worthless, pt.2

Ugh, this word is still bouncing around my head.

I'm a lot more damaged that I realized. I'm starting to see that my diminished interest in sex and kink is directly tied to my struggle with feeling worthless and my lack of trust in general. I am feeling very uncomfortable with vulnerability. Sex can feel very vulnerable. With you it doesn't; or at least I'm comfortable enough with you that I don't mind feeling vulnerable. But submission really does.

The close of 2015 is making me think back over the year. And back further to 2014. I have made a lot of changes, mostly positive this year. But I started out in a very bad place. I had dropped out of grad school. I was emotionally unstable. I was broke, and technically homeless. I think one of the reasons I attached so strongly to you was that you genuinely wanted to know me, and liked me at a time when I didn't know or like myself. I had unrealistic expectations of you because for those first weeks and months you were like a savior to me. I worshipped you. Now that I've seen your flaws, I don't necessarily worship you anymore. But I know you, and I like you, and I love you more than anyone else in the world, flaws and all. I really want you to be happy.

I have no idea what my life or our relationship will look like in the future. My strong attachment to my own definitions of consent is very much tied to what I'm currently working through and trying to make sense of. I have ignored other people's opinions for much of my life because I know how easily swayed I can be by them. When I let someone get close to me, their opinion often starts to matter to me more than my own. I want to not need you, so that when I choose to love and serve you in whatever way I do, it will be truly consensual. I don't want to submit to please you so that I can feel validated. I want to be secure in myself so that however I'm showing my love to you is about who you actually are.

To summarize, I'm a mess but I love you.