Home

Good evening, Sir.

Today's post isn't really about us, Sir. It's mostly about me. But it might be helpful for you to know. And it's definitely helpful for me to write about it.

Today I realized what I've been grieving for. I've been dealing with some memories and unresolved shit from leaving my ex a year ago. I decided to revisit the city I lived in for 5 years with him. As I was driving,  getting closer to where I used to call home, I had an urge to listen to Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. That was the last thing he and I got excited about together. We never really had a song, but the closest thing was their song Home.

"Home, let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you"

I miss having a home. A place that's mine. I've spent the last year living in other people's homes, comfortable, happy, sage. But not mine. Even now, my home doesn't feel like mine. I just rent a room in it. I miss feeling the security, the sense of ownership.

It extends beyond a physical home, too. I miss feeling that home feeling with someone. I'm realizing how much fear still controls my choices. I do enjoy what I'm learning from poly, about myself, about other people. But I'm also aware that I chose poly out of a reluctance to commit too much of myself to any one person. I've moved away from that motivation somewhat. But it's still there.

Please know I'm very much speaking out of emotions right now. These next couple of weeks may be difficult for me. I'm not looking to change any decisions. Just feeling things, Sir. I love you so very much, Sir.