I thought I wasn't handling this well...

I was feeling guilty for dropping this on you this morning. I was going to write an apology. But then I re-read my last three posts. And I realized, I've been feeling uncomfortable with this girl since you first mentioned her to me. And so far, you really haven't done anything to help me with that.

Sure, I've had realizations that have helped me. But you haven't been helpful. You haven't actively sought to build my trust with this. You mention her to me, I have trust issues and freak out, I resolve it. And again this week- you mention her to me, I have trust issues and freak out, and instead of resolving it on my own, I decided to ask for help. I'm sorry that the asking for help resulted in an unexpected emotional outburst. But quite frankly, you've done nothing to help me feel better about you and this girl since this happened the last time. I know you're busy. I know you have other things going on. But if you want me to trust you, you have to put in the work. I've told you exactly what I need from you. And this is the first time you might actually have virtually met someone you could see something happening with. So why do you think you can drop this information on me casually, not offering the information I've asked for (and you agreed to) to help me cope, and expect me to cope well?

I don't know how else to do this. I don't know what else you want. I want to get to a place where I can glow with compersion, where I can be happy you're getting what you need. And I know I can get to that place, because I've been there before. A few days before the trust that was necessary for that to happen was smashed. I'm trying to do what I can to tell you what's going on with me. I'm trying to give you ideas on what I need from you to rebuild this. I can't rebuild alone. You don't get trust and submission without earning it. I've given you opportunities. I've told you when I'm uncomfortable and why. Yet somehow this same situation with the same girl happened twice in the space of a month. And you did the exact same things. And I refuse to feel guilty for having the exact same reaction. 

I definitely understand why you like this girl. She's sweet, cute, attractive. But I needed that information before you exchanged numbers and talked fantasies and relationship expectations. Or right when it happened. I don't like that she doesn't want you talking about your other partners with her, to me that screams denial. I don't like that you talked about pushing a hard limit with her. I don't like that I'm pretty sure she'd be uncomfortable with the fact that I read those messages and saw those photos when she doesn't want to know I exist. Honestly, if you can't tell the other people you're talking to that you've agreed to let me read your conversations, check out their profiles, or potentially even contact them myself, I don't think you should be talking to them. I don't think you thought about your conversations with her in light of the agreements you made with me, and that's very troubling. 

I love you. So very much. But I need you to pay a little more attention to what you're doing.