Jumbled

Good evening! I love you. I'm a little tipsy, so I'm not as eloquent as always. But here's what I've been thinking about.

I'm really struggling with you leaving. Let me start by saying I know you're doing nothing wrong. You told me about this from the beginning, and I loved you anyway. You don't need to change anything. But this really hurts. Sometimes I feel like you're abandoning me. I keep thinking about how this might be the last time in a long time that I feel like my whole self is in one place. And it hurts. I would never ask you to stay. Your life is there now. But god, I wish you could stay.

I'm really scared about what happens next. Not right away. But eventually. I'm going to have to make some big decisions. And whatever I pick, I'm going to deal with some major losses. And I'm scared.

This grief is bringing up some feelings about when you cheated. I guess it makes sense. The biggest fear now, just like then, was that I was missing out. The part of me that's scared of being abandoned is remembering when you gave away pleasure you had promised me. Not my pleasure. Yours. But you said I could have it. It still hurts sometimes. I still want it, even though it's gone.

And that brings me to my final point. I know I said I'd love you even if we weren't kinky. And I will. But I miss it. I really fucking miss being yours. And the thing is, I'm still yours. I'm just waiting for you to figure out how to take me. You've consistently sought submission while shying away from responsibility. Sometimes I think you chose to take other people's submission before mine because you'd feel less guilty about not providing for them. But that's not an option with me. So whenever you figure out how to be my Sir, I'm here. I'm waiting. You can take me. You don't have to ask. But you better be sure you can handle it. I used to ask you what I could expect from you. Now I know what I expect, at least a little. I believe you are going to be able to give it to me. Until then, I'll wait. I love you.  I really, really do.