This Hurts

I'm tired. And not completely sober. But sober enough.

I've had this fantasy for a while. Where you force me to pee on myself. It's really hot. There's more to it than that, but why bother with details now. A part of me REALLY wants to do it with you. But then I think about how you made her drink her own pee. And I cringe and cry. And I can't stop. My body convulses trying to keep my heart from being ripped out. But you're not even here. No one is touching me. Somehow I still feel the fingers clawing at my chest. Everything you did with her, figging, sandpaper, writing on her body, brings up these overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. It's like I'd be following her, instead of you. And I can't bear it. I like the idea of them in general. I'm really disappointed I can't fantasize about them or plan to do them without this deep ache in my chest. Because I would've liked that. And now I can't picture ever being ok with any of it. I hate the idea of you doing it with anyone else, and I can't imagine being ok with it myself. I wish I could.

I'm not the one who fucked up. In monogamy, it's often shared blame. Not excusing cheating. Just saying, a great relationship rarely has cheating. We should always own our own shit. But this wasn't about me. It wasn't about us at all, was it? It was about your ex.

And despite knowing that. Despite knowing you fucked up, because you're fucked up from your relationship with someone else I still feel…

Empty
Broken
Worthless
Not good enough
Alone

And I don't know what to do with it.

I feel like I wasn't submissive enough. I was too much work. I was too hesitant, too scared, required too much effort. She was easy. She submitted naturally, flawlessly, without hesitation. And I hate it.

One of my biggest fears in thinking about trying to do this again someday, is that I'm not good enough. Though I crave to be yours, you'll find someone who is more easily yours, and won't want me anymore. And that thought is unbearable to me.

I know it's not true. But I feel it as deeply as if it was. This is the reality of my soul, even if it's not what my brain knows to be true.

I crave to be taken deeper. I have no desire to walk that path with anyone else. But I also cannot walk it with you. I am paralyzed.

I'm considering a somewhat drastic request. I want it to be a conversation. But I think my reasoning is sound. I'm thinking about asking you not to take on another sub until you have trained me. I don't know when I'll be ready for that, or how it will happen, or what it would look like. All I know is you've told submissive strangers you have experience in daily control, and are willing to train. I want to be poly. But I question whether I would be able to handle you training someone else before me. I could have before this. But only just barely. And this has shattered my sense of security with you. I'm not sure it's stable enough to withstand you being with another submissive.

I'm willing and even excited to go some pretty dark places. I'd need your support and patience. I'm working to ensure I'm setting limits according to my own needs, not to try to keep you from finding someone better. We share a surprising amount of fantasies. I'm curious to see if our lines are similar when it comes to making these fantasies real.

As always, I love you.

Expectations revisited

Good morning, Sir.

I love you. I wanted to ask you some questions to help figure out where we go from here.

What do you love about our relationship? What actions, attitudes, moments, patterns, would you definitely want to keep?

What do you like about our relationship, that you're willing to live without? The luxury things, the things that make you feel extra special, but aren't the most satisfying or necessary day to day things?

What are you trying to avoid altogether? What things do you want to ensure we do not repeat, either from our relationship with each other, or previous ones?

What's your ideal going forward?

What's your biggest fear?

I'm going to answer these questions myself. I'm not going to post them yet, though. I want you to have your own answers, without being influenced by mine, then we can share them together. I can't help but wonder if maybe you and I are so caught up in being who other people want us to be, that we're ignoring the fact that we very likely want alot of the same things.

In writing my answers, the overall theme for me is this- I love you so very much, and I'm willing to work and sacrifice to make this work.

I love you, Sir.

Resdiual Feelings

Good morning, Sir.

I'm still feeling things, Sir. Guilt, shame, anxiety, vulnerability. But I'm trying to focus on how much I love you. It helps.

I don't like needing things, Sir. I struggle with being open enough to get hurt. I don't like taking risks, because I'm afraid it won't turn out right. I feel like a better submissive might have just dealt with this.

I know in my head that these arrangements are for the benefit of both/all involved. If my needs aren't being met I should speak up. But it's hard to not feel like I'm not submissive enough.

There's this weird cycle going on with us, I think. I came into this relationship having a difficult time identifying my emotions and reactions, unaware of my limits. This caused you to tread lightly. You've been perfect! But then I don't want you to think I'm too fragile, so I start trying to tough things out. Eventually that doesn't pan out, and I'm emotional and you're back to handling me with kid gloves.

Problem is, I want to grow stronger. I know this happens when I'm pushed, and I have trouble pushing myself, so I want you to do it. Maybe I'm growing faster than you can keep up. Or maybe I'm rushing, not giving myself enough time to process these changes as they happen. Probably some of each, knowing us, Sir.

I realized something the other day. I was trying to imagine my future, not specifically with you, just in general. And it occurred to me that I no longer believe relationships last. I automatically assume they'll all end in some way or another. I remember in school reading about how kids with trauma histories will often have a foreshortened view of their life. I have that with relationships. I believe my life will continue for a while, at least I hope so. But I have trouble picturing it, and I assume all relationships will end someday. It's not the craziest assumption. Statistically it's probably fairly accurate. But to me, it sounds like I've lost hope for it. I want to get that back, at least a little. Maybe that'll be something I work on when I get my new therapist. Whenever that is.

I love you, Sir. I'm complicated and irrational, but I crave you. I want to feel my own strength, my own finiteness. I would love for you to be the one I do that with. But if not, know you will always have my love, Sir. The rest is just icing.

Fear of Failure

Hello again Sir.

So much of my previous post was just a fear of failure. Failure as your slave, failure of this experiment. But that's what this is- an experiment. We started looking to see if this would work, you and I exploring some of our fantasies together. If this relationship structure doesn't work, we find one that will.

I love you, Sir. Always.

Home

Good evening, Sir.

Today's post isn't really about us, Sir. It's mostly about me. But it might be helpful for you to know. And it's definitely helpful for me to write about it.

Today I realized what I've been grieving for. I've been dealing with some memories and unresolved shit from leaving my ex a year ago. I decided to revisit the city I lived in for 5 years with him. As I was driving,  getting closer to where I used to call home, I had an urge to listen to Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. That was the last thing he and I got excited about together. We never really had a song, but the closest thing was their song Home.

"Home, let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you"

I miss having a home. A place that's mine. I've spent the last year living in other people's homes, comfortable, happy, sage. But not mine. Even now, my home doesn't feel like mine. I just rent a room in it. I miss feeling the security, the sense of ownership.

It extends beyond a physical home, too. I miss feeling that home feeling with someone. I'm realizing how much fear still controls my choices. I do enjoy what I'm learning from poly, about myself, about other people. But I'm also aware that I chose poly out of a reluctance to commit too much of myself to any one person. I've moved away from that motivation somewhat. But it's still there.

Please know I'm very much speaking out of emotions right now. These next couple of weeks may be difficult for me. I'm not looking to change any decisions. Just feeling things, Sir. I love you so very much, Sir.

Green Monster

Good morning, Sir!

You told me this morning that A had contacted you again. You wanted to know what I was thinking. Here it is.

I started by looking over the conversations I had had with A prior to and just after introducing her to you. I realized that, while she is a pleasant person to talk to, the biggest attraction for me was that she was interested in me, or so it seemed at the time. I no longer think she's interested in me, and I'm not particularly interested in her as an individual. If it was just me, I wouldn't care much one way or the other about meeting her.

The reason A's interest in me was so attractive is that at the time I was talking to her, I was very much wanting to exploring my Domme side. In retrospect, alot of that was due to feeling like I had to prove I was a switch. Not so much to other people, but to myself. I felt a stigma, a fear attached to just being submissive. I'm no longer in that mindset. I still would like to explore domination, but I'm content for now to focus on my submission, which is complicated enough, and wait for someone who I really like to dominate. Like maybe R, if she ever comes to Boston. Or S. Or pup, with you. But I'm not looking to dominate just to dominate. And that's what it would be with A, at least with the way things are now. So again, I don't care much about meeting her, one way or the other.

At the end of the day, I'm not particularly interested in A. And I'm not really feeling the need to dominate A just to say I tried it. I'm open to it, but meeting A wouldn't be for A's sake, and it wouldn't be for mine. I'd do it for yours, Sir, if that's what you want. Just say the word. But if I chose to go with you, it would be a decision for fear's sake. And I don't want to make my decisions out of jealousy and insecurity and pettiness and fear.  Not anymore.

So it's up to you, Sir. I'm submitting this to you. I'm going to (try to) trust that you'll make the best decision for yourself, and for me. It's not going to be easy, Sir. It may hurt. I might cry. I'll probably need some aftercare. But I'll be ok.

If you choose to meet her alone, I'd like to talk again about our guidelines for casual play. If you want to see her again, I may want to meet her eventually. I'm open to playing with her together, as either your sub or your mentee. But I'm not interested in having her as my slave. And you might be. So I'll step back. I'll kneel and I'll let myself feel the pain, knowing it's only for a moment, knowing you'll never intentionally damage me, knowing you love me for myself, not for anything that anyone can do better.

I love you, Sir. So very much.

Trust and Control

Good morning, Sir.

I wanted to write a little about trust and control. I'm a worst case scenario person. I don't mean to be. I just am. When I'm in a situation, I plan what I'd do if there was an emergency. Even as you were tying me, I wondered what you'd do if there was, say, a fire. How would you react? How would you keep me safe? In the back of my mind, there's always a plan. When I can't help myself, I'm counting on you. Especially when I can't help myself because if something you've done, like tie my hands behind my back.

I know it's silly, but I felt like you got flustered by everything, the people coming to see the apartment, the pizza guy. And it made me feel like maybe you wouldn't be able to take care of me if there was an emergency. I know, it was a pizza. But anger usually masks something else. For me, it's often fear. I get scared when I can't protect myself. I count on you. I trust you, Sir. But I also know you're a human, you can't handle everything (but I can, apparently. My brain is weird). I'm working on it.

I love you, Sir.