This Hurts

I'm tired. And not completely sober. But sober enough.

I've had this fantasy for a while. Where you force me to pee on myself. It's really hot. There's more to it than that, but why bother with details now. A part of me REALLY wants to do it with you. But then I think about how you made her drink her own pee. And I cringe and cry. And I can't stop. My body convulses trying to keep my heart from being ripped out. But you're not even here. No one is touching me. Somehow I still feel the fingers clawing at my chest. Everything you did with her, figging, sandpaper, writing on her body, brings up these overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. It's like I'd be following her, instead of you. And I can't bear it. I like the idea of them in general. I'm really disappointed I can't fantasize about them or plan to do them without this deep ache in my chest. Because I would've liked that. And now I can't picture ever being ok with any of it. I hate the idea of you doing it with anyone else, and I can't imagine being ok with it myself. I wish I could.

I'm not the one who fucked up. In monogamy, it's often shared blame. Not excusing cheating. Just saying, a great relationship rarely has cheating. We should always own our own shit. But this wasn't about me. It wasn't about us at all, was it? It was about your ex.

And despite knowing that. Despite knowing you fucked up, because you're fucked up from your relationship with someone else I still feel…

Empty
Broken
Worthless
Not good enough
Alone

And I don't know what to do with it.

I feel like I wasn't submissive enough. I was too much work. I was too hesitant, too scared, required too much effort. She was easy. She submitted naturally, flawlessly, without hesitation. And I hate it.

One of my biggest fears in thinking about trying to do this again someday, is that I'm not good enough. Though I crave to be yours, you'll find someone who is more easily yours, and won't want me anymore. And that thought is unbearable to me.

I know it's not true. But I feel it as deeply as if it was. This is the reality of my soul, even if it's not what my brain knows to be true.

I crave to be taken deeper. I have no desire to walk that path with anyone else. But I also cannot walk it with you. I am paralyzed.

I'm considering a somewhat drastic request. I want it to be a conversation. But I think my reasoning is sound. I'm thinking about asking you not to take on another sub until you have trained me. I don't know when I'll be ready for that, or how it will happen, or what it would look like. All I know is you've told submissive strangers you have experience in daily control, and are willing to train. I want to be poly. But I question whether I would be able to handle you training someone else before me. I could have before this. But only just barely. And this has shattered my sense of security with you. I'm not sure it's stable enough to withstand you being with another submissive.

I'm willing and even excited to go some pretty dark places. I'd need your support and patience. I'm working to ensure I'm setting limits according to my own needs, not to try to keep you from finding someone better. We share a surprising amount of fantasies. I'm curious to see if our lines are similar when it comes to making these fantasies real.

As always, I love you.

I am not a Domme

Good morning, Sir.

I learned a hard lesson today. I am not a Domme. At least not right now. I'm still a switch. I'm still interested in topping. But I don't know how to be a Domme, and I'm not sure I want to.

I had a sub, Sir. She made me want to be a Domme, for a little while. She sparked that in me. But today, she also helped me realize that isn't who I am. At least not yet. I don't know how to build trust. I don't know how to lead, to accept control. I'm not a Domme.

I hope she and I can stay friends. I still hope to top her one day. But I don't have Domme in me right now. It hurts, but I'm working through it.

I love you, Sir. I love being your slave. I love learning about your twisted fantasies. I love accepting them, exploring them, seeing if they latch on and grow in me. I'm learning to let go, and not want to be your everything. Or at least not expect to be.

I hold myself to much too high of a standard. I no longer fear mistakes, but failure still hurts. I know I'm not perfect at everything. But dammit, I want to be able to do all of it imperfectly! My silly brain doesn't like to admit when it finds a limit. It would much rather run full speed ahead off the cliff than just admit I can't fly and keep my feet on the ground. But limits are as natural as gravity. And I have them, Sir.

I love you, Sir. Thank you for seeing my limits often more clearly than I do.

Role play

Good evening, Sir.

I had some other thoughts about the suggested role play.

I'm ok with you using a knife, as long as I don't actually get cut. I'm ok with you creating cutting-like sensations if you'd like, but no blood.

I'm ok with you cutting off or otherwise destroying my clothing, as long as I know what day it's happening, so I can choose what to wear.

I'm ok with being gagged and blindfolded. If I'm gagged or otherwise can't speak, I will snap my fingers or tap your body as my safe word. One tap/snap is yellow. Stop and check in. I'll nod when I'm ready to continue. Repeated taps or snaps is red. If is red, free my hands and anything I won't be able to get out of on my own, then back away. Otherwise normal safe words apply.

I'm ok with water play. I had said not in my face, but I'm thinking further I'm actually ok with you asking for that. I'm just nervous because I'm not sure I can do it. But if I can't, we can go with that. I'd probably refuse in that situation, anyway. Might make it more realistic if I can't or won't.

I'm ok with you tying me up and leaving me alone in a room for up to 15 minutes. 

I'm ok with anything we've already done together. I will struggle and scream, but will try not to actually incapacitate you, or alarm the neighbors. I will genuinely try to get away from you.

Aftercare will involve snuggles, maybe alone time, probably a shower, and definitely ice cream (preferable homemade). I know you take time to process things, and I do too. But I will want to get some feedback from you as soon as you have it. I'd prefer not to have to ask, and just have you tell me. I may feel a little anxious about how you reacted to everything, and any little bit you can give me will help with that.

I'd prefer we schedule this on maybe a Friday or Saturday, so I don't have to worry about getting up for work the next day. I may want to be excused from chores and other responsibilities for a while after. I have no idea how much this will take out of me. I'd prefer to assume alot, though probably only a medium amount.

I love you, Sir. I'm excited. Also nervous.

Curious

Good morning, Sir.

I'm finding myself in a small dilemma. I want to explore and experiment. But I don't want to "top from the bottom". I like some things we've done, and want to do them again. I'd also like to try new stuff. But I don't really know how to ask, without seeming pushy. I want to make sure you do what you want to.

So here's a list of things I like and things I'm curious about. I like/love spanking (more than once a week?), electric play, bondage (maybe giving tasks while tied up?), biting (you used to bite my arm during sex. I miss that), tickling, butt plugs, face slapping, nipple clamps, clothespins, hitting my breasts, ice cubes, choking or smothering. I want to talk a little about my limits and concerns, but I'm gonna make that its own entry, I think. Basically, other than scat and anything illegal, I'm open to it, as long as it's with you and we talk about it.

I love you, Sir.