This Hurts

I'm tired. And not completely sober. But sober enough.

I've had this fantasy for a while. Where you force me to pee on myself. It's really hot. There's more to it than that, but why bother with details now. A part of me REALLY wants to do it with you. But then I think about how you made her drink her own pee. And I cringe and cry. And I can't stop. My body convulses trying to keep my heart from being ripped out. But you're not even here. No one is touching me. Somehow I still feel the fingers clawing at my chest. Everything you did with her, figging, sandpaper, writing on her body, brings up these overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. It's like I'd be following her, instead of you. And I can't bear it. I like the idea of them in general. I'm really disappointed I can't fantasize about them or plan to do them without this deep ache in my chest. Because I would've liked that. And now I can't picture ever being ok with any of it. I hate the idea of you doing it with anyone else, and I can't imagine being ok with it myself. I wish I could.

I'm not the one who fucked up. In monogamy, it's often shared blame. Not excusing cheating. Just saying, a great relationship rarely has cheating. We should always own our own shit. But this wasn't about me. It wasn't about us at all, was it? It was about your ex.

And despite knowing that. Despite knowing you fucked up, because you're fucked up from your relationship with someone else I still feel…

Empty
Broken
Worthless
Not good enough
Alone

And I don't know what to do with it.

I feel like I wasn't submissive enough. I was too much work. I was too hesitant, too scared, required too much effort. She was easy. She submitted naturally, flawlessly, without hesitation. And I hate it.

One of my biggest fears in thinking about trying to do this again someday, is that I'm not good enough. Though I crave to be yours, you'll find someone who is more easily yours, and won't want me anymore. And that thought is unbearable to me.

I know it's not true. But I feel it as deeply as if it was. This is the reality of my soul, even if it's not what my brain knows to be true.

I crave to be taken deeper. I have no desire to walk that path with anyone else. But I also cannot walk it with you. I am paralyzed.

I'm considering a somewhat drastic request. I want it to be a conversation. But I think my reasoning is sound. I'm thinking about asking you not to take on another sub until you have trained me. I don't know when I'll be ready for that, or how it will happen, or what it would look like. All I know is you've told submissive strangers you have experience in daily control, and are willing to train. I want to be poly. But I question whether I would be able to handle you training someone else before me. I could have before this. But only just barely. And this has shattered my sense of security with you. I'm not sure it's stable enough to withstand you being with another submissive.

I'm willing and even excited to go some pretty dark places. I'd need your support and patience. I'm working to ensure I'm setting limits according to my own needs, not to try to keep you from finding someone better. We share a surprising amount of fantasies. I'm curious to see if our lines are similar when it comes to making these fantasies real.

As always, I love you.

Green Monster

Good morning, Sir!

You told me this morning that A had contacted you again. You wanted to know what I was thinking. Here it is.

I started by looking over the conversations I had had with A prior to and just after introducing her to you. I realized that, while she is a pleasant person to talk to, the biggest attraction for me was that she was interested in me, or so it seemed at the time. I no longer think she's interested in me, and I'm not particularly interested in her as an individual. If it was just me, I wouldn't care much one way or the other about meeting her.

The reason A's interest in me was so attractive is that at the time I was talking to her, I was very much wanting to exploring my Domme side. In retrospect, alot of that was due to feeling like I had to prove I was a switch. Not so much to other people, but to myself. I felt a stigma, a fear attached to just being submissive. I'm no longer in that mindset. I still would like to explore domination, but I'm content for now to focus on my submission, which is complicated enough, and wait for someone who I really like to dominate. Like maybe R, if she ever comes to Boston. Or S. Or pup, with you. But I'm not looking to dominate just to dominate. And that's what it would be with A, at least with the way things are now. So again, I don't care much about meeting her, one way or the other.

At the end of the day, I'm not particularly interested in A. And I'm not really feeling the need to dominate A just to say I tried it. I'm open to it, but meeting A wouldn't be for A's sake, and it wouldn't be for mine. I'd do it for yours, Sir, if that's what you want. Just say the word. But if I chose to go with you, it would be a decision for fear's sake. And I don't want to make my decisions out of jealousy and insecurity and pettiness and fear.  Not anymore.

So it's up to you, Sir. I'm submitting this to you. I'm going to (try to) trust that you'll make the best decision for yourself, and for me. It's not going to be easy, Sir. It may hurt. I might cry. I'll probably need some aftercare. But I'll be ok.

If you choose to meet her alone, I'd like to talk again about our guidelines for casual play. If you want to see her again, I may want to meet her eventually. I'm open to playing with her together, as either your sub or your mentee. But I'm not interested in having her as my slave. And you might be. So I'll step back. I'll kneel and I'll let myself feel the pain, knowing it's only for a moment, knowing you'll never intentionally damage me, knowing you love me for myself, not for anything that anyone can do better.

I love you, Sir. So very much.

Polyamory

Good morning, Sir.

Today I realized something interesting about polyamory. You and I we're taking about how alone time is important, and often neglected in polyamorous life, and decided to take some time for yourself. I was left conflicted. As much add i cognitively know the value of alone time, I still struggle with the desire to be your happiness. It's silly and romantic. But it's there. And as I went about putting away the dishes and making myself some lunch, it struck me. Polyamory isn't so much about the idea that just one person can't satisfy all our needs. It's about the idea that really, no one can. Perhaps not even ourselves.

To have needs is to be alive. With every exhalation we create the new need for oxygen. If we do not fill it out lungs will burn, our minds give out, our bodies shut down. So we inhale again, and satisfy the need. Until the next breath.

I can be a needy person. I don't mean to be. In fact, I often imagine what I would be like if I didn't need anyone ever again. But I do need people. I need you, Sir. But not every minute. I'm learning about finding a balance. I had one. Then I inhaled. Now I need a new one.

Breath is such a fascinating concept. So intrinsic to life. I once read of a breathing exercise that talked about breath in terms of emotions and experiences we've had. As you inhale, you want draw breath to you, not pulling, not clinging, but relaxed, accepting the air filling your lungs. Likewise the exhale was not to be forcing the air out and away from you, and not trying to trap it within you, but releasing it back into the world.

For my next tattoo, I've decided to get the word accept in my left wrist, and release on my right one (I'm thinking in white, to be more subtle). This is what I whisper to myself with each breath when I'm being spanked to tears. Accept the pain, and release it again. Feeling the breath come through one side of new and out the other, taking the pain, the pleasure, all of it as it flows. It can be applied to anything in life. Accept what happens, and then let it go. Pain, pleasure, joy, sadness, closeness, loneliness. They all come and go, anyway. There will always be a need. And there will always be a way to fill it.

I love you, Sir.