Resdiual Feelings

Good morning, Sir.

I'm still feeling things, Sir. Guilt, shame, anxiety, vulnerability. But I'm trying to focus on how much I love you. It helps.

I don't like needing things, Sir. I struggle with being open enough to get hurt. I don't like taking risks, because I'm afraid it won't turn out right. I feel like a better submissive might have just dealt with this.

I know in my head that these arrangements are for the benefit of both/all involved. If my needs aren't being met I should speak up. But it's hard to not feel like I'm not submissive enough.

There's this weird cycle going on with us, I think. I came into this relationship having a difficult time identifying my emotions and reactions, unaware of my limits. This caused you to tread lightly. You've been perfect! But then I don't want you to think I'm too fragile, so I start trying to tough things out. Eventually that doesn't pan out, and I'm emotional and you're back to handling me with kid gloves.

Problem is, I want to grow stronger. I know this happens when I'm pushed, and I have trouble pushing myself, so I want you to do it. Maybe I'm growing faster than you can keep up. Or maybe I'm rushing, not giving myself enough time to process these changes as they happen. Probably some of each, knowing us, Sir.

I realized something the other day. I was trying to imagine my future, not specifically with you, just in general. And it occurred to me that I no longer believe relationships last. I automatically assume they'll all end in some way or another. I remember in school reading about how kids with trauma histories will often have a foreshortened view of their life. I have that with relationships. I believe my life will continue for a while, at least I hope so. But I have trouble picturing it, and I assume all relationships will end someday. It's not the craziest assumption. Statistically it's probably fairly accurate. But to me, it sounds like I've lost hope for it. I want to get that back, at least a little. Maybe that'll be something I work on when I get my new therapist. Whenever that is.

I love you, Sir. I'm complicated and irrational, but I crave you. I want to feel my own strength, my own finiteness. I would love for you to be the one I do that with. But if not, know you will always have my love, Sir. The rest is just icing.

Master

Good morning, Sir.

I love you. This has been brewing in my head for a couple days, but I couldn't quite make sense of it till this morning.

I'd like to talk again about my expectations for you, Sir. I know the last time we spoke this was all very new, so it was hard to say what to expect. You were so kind and loving when you explained I could expect you to be communicative and listen to my concerns. That is the best answer any new slave could hope for. 

When you talked about me giving you a rim job, my initial reaction was negative, Sir. I couldn't quite figure out why. I have nothing against it, though I've never done it. But it would be submissive, and you'd like it, and I want to try new things. I've even considered doing it before, while licking your balls. Yet my gut reaction was "No!" And that actually helped me realize something very important.

I have been working hard to serve you, Sir. I love taking care of you. I love that you feel you can count on me to cook, clean, and love on you when you need it, how you need it, sometimes without you even having to ask.

I have goals in this relationship. I wanted to be your slave to learn and grow. I want to try things, to be pushed and tested. I want to feel my own limits and my strengths. We've talked about increasing my pain tolerance. But it's inconsistent. I've found myself caning my own thighs, practicing with nipple clamps, anally training myself, trying to hold my own orgasms while masturbating. I feel like I can't count on you to train me in the way that I need. I know you're very busy. I know you want a slave who can be proactive and not too needy. But I'm new.

My reaction to you asking me to lick your ass had nothing to do with the action. I simply didn't want to be asked for something else for you, when my own needs are being so inconsistently met.

I had trouble with calling you Master before for many reasons. Now it's just the one. I don't feel Mastered. I don't feel owned or trained. And that's ok. Maybe that's what you need right now. Maybe this is all you've got to give, and I understand that. You've got alot going on. But we need to figure out what reasonable expectations are. Otherwise I'm worried I'm just going to get resentful and burn out.

I love you so very much, Sir. I don't want to criticize or judge you. But we started this experiment to see if we wanted to be Master and slave. And maybe that Durant work for you right now. Or maybe I'm not someone you feel like you want to Master. I just need to know we're on the same page, Sir.

Green Monster

Good morning, Sir!

You told me this morning that A had contacted you again. You wanted to know what I was thinking. Here it is.

I started by looking over the conversations I had had with A prior to and just after introducing her to you. I realized that, while she is a pleasant person to talk to, the biggest attraction for me was that she was interested in me, or so it seemed at the time. I no longer think she's interested in me, and I'm not particularly interested in her as an individual. If it was just me, I wouldn't care much one way or the other about meeting her.

The reason A's interest in me was so attractive is that at the time I was talking to her, I was very much wanting to exploring my Domme side. In retrospect, alot of that was due to feeling like I had to prove I was a switch. Not so much to other people, but to myself. I felt a stigma, a fear attached to just being submissive. I'm no longer in that mindset. I still would like to explore domination, but I'm content for now to focus on my submission, which is complicated enough, and wait for someone who I really like to dominate. Like maybe R, if she ever comes to Boston. Or S. Or pup, with you. But I'm not looking to dominate just to dominate. And that's what it would be with A, at least with the way things are now. So again, I don't care much about meeting her, one way or the other.

At the end of the day, I'm not particularly interested in A. And I'm not really feeling the need to dominate A just to say I tried it. I'm open to it, but meeting A wouldn't be for A's sake, and it wouldn't be for mine. I'd do it for yours, Sir, if that's what you want. Just say the word. But if I chose to go with you, it would be a decision for fear's sake. And I don't want to make my decisions out of jealousy and insecurity and pettiness and fear.  Not anymore.

So it's up to you, Sir. I'm submitting this to you. I'm going to (try to) trust that you'll make the best decision for yourself, and for me. It's not going to be easy, Sir. It may hurt. I might cry. I'll probably need some aftercare. But I'll be ok.

If you choose to meet her alone, I'd like to talk again about our guidelines for casual play. If you want to see her again, I may want to meet her eventually. I'm open to playing with her together, as either your sub or your mentee. But I'm not interested in having her as my slave. And you might be. So I'll step back. I'll kneel and I'll let myself feel the pain, knowing it's only for a moment, knowing you'll never intentionally damage me, knowing you love me for myself, not for anything that anyone can do better.

I love you, Sir. So very much.

S & M

Good afternoon, Sir.

I was bored recently and decided to browse around fetlife (sapiosexy17). I was looking through some pics today and realized I was getting very turned on by pictures of a very bruised body. I continued to look through things and am realizing I may actually be more of a masochist than I realized. It's funny, cuz I'm actually kinda wimpy. I don't have a high tolerance for passion and discomfort, and I'm queasy with blood. But I think I want to explore that side some more.

I've really enjoyed being soaked to the point of tears. I don't bruise much, but I do love the release of emotion. I also love clothespins whenever you use them on me. I don't usually use the toys on my own, but I must admit to snagging some clothespins once or twice when you're working nights. Last night I put them in a row across my breasts, down my upper, inner arms, and one on my tongue. Putting them on my labia gets me instantly wet. I kept reading all these creative torture methods and maybe it was the fact that I hadn't had sex in so long (48 hours, hehe) but I got so turned on! So maybe we can try some stuff, if you want.

I love you, Sir.

Polyamory

Good morning, Sir.

Today I realized something interesting about polyamory. You and I we're taking about how alone time is important, and often neglected in polyamorous life, and decided to take some time for yourself. I was left conflicted. As much add i cognitively know the value of alone time, I still struggle with the desire to be your happiness. It's silly and romantic. But it's there. And as I went about putting away the dishes and making myself some lunch, it struck me. Polyamory isn't so much about the idea that just one person can't satisfy all our needs. It's about the idea that really, no one can. Perhaps not even ourselves.

To have needs is to be alive. With every exhalation we create the new need for oxygen. If we do not fill it out lungs will burn, our minds give out, our bodies shut down. So we inhale again, and satisfy the need. Until the next breath.

I can be a needy person. I don't mean to be. In fact, I often imagine what I would be like if I didn't need anyone ever again. But I do need people. I need you, Sir. But not every minute. I'm learning about finding a balance. I had one. Then I inhaled. Now I need a new one.

Breath is such a fascinating concept. So intrinsic to life. I once read of a breathing exercise that talked about breath in terms of emotions and experiences we've had. As you inhale, you want draw breath to you, not pulling, not clinging, but relaxed, accepting the air filling your lungs. Likewise the exhale was not to be forcing the air out and away from you, and not trying to trap it within you, but releasing it back into the world.

For my next tattoo, I've decided to get the word accept in my left wrist, and release on my right one (I'm thinking in white, to be more subtle). This is what I whisper to myself with each breath when I'm being spanked to tears. Accept the pain, and release it again. Feeling the breath come through one side of new and out the other, taking the pain, the pleasure, all of it as it flows. It can be applied to anything in life. Accept what happens, and then let it go. Pain, pleasure, joy, sadness, closeness, loneliness. They all come and go, anyway. There will always be a need. And there will always be a way to fill it.

I love you, Sir.