Resdiual Feelings

Good morning, Sir.

I'm still feeling things, Sir. Guilt, shame, anxiety, vulnerability. But I'm trying to focus on how much I love you. It helps.

I don't like needing things, Sir. I struggle with being open enough to get hurt. I don't like taking risks, because I'm afraid it won't turn out right. I feel like a better submissive might have just dealt with this.

I know in my head that these arrangements are for the benefit of both/all involved. If my needs aren't being met I should speak up. But it's hard to not feel like I'm not submissive enough.

There's this weird cycle going on with us, I think. I came into this relationship having a difficult time identifying my emotions and reactions, unaware of my limits. This caused you to tread lightly. You've been perfect! But then I don't want you to think I'm too fragile, so I start trying to tough things out. Eventually that doesn't pan out, and I'm emotional and you're back to handling me with kid gloves.

Problem is, I want to grow stronger. I know this happens when I'm pushed, and I have trouble pushing myself, so I want you to do it. Maybe I'm growing faster than you can keep up. Or maybe I'm rushing, not giving myself enough time to process these changes as they happen. Probably some of each, knowing us, Sir.

I realized something the other day. I was trying to imagine my future, not specifically with you, just in general. And it occurred to me that I no longer believe relationships last. I automatically assume they'll all end in some way or another. I remember in school reading about how kids with trauma histories will often have a foreshortened view of their life. I have that with relationships. I believe my life will continue for a while, at least I hope so. But I have trouble picturing it, and I assume all relationships will end someday. It's not the craziest assumption. Statistically it's probably fairly accurate. But to me, it sounds like I've lost hope for it. I want to get that back, at least a little. Maybe that'll be something I work on when I get my new therapist. Whenever that is.

I love you, Sir. I'm complicated and irrational, but I crave you. I want to feel my own strength, my own finiteness. I would love for you to be the one I do that with. But if not, know you will always have my love, Sir. The rest is just icing.

Control Freak

Good afternoon, Sir.

This week, I've been re-remembering how much of a control freak I can be. I'm coming up on a year since I left my ex. I'm not usually big on anniversaries, but sometimes they just imprint on your psyche. Memories have just been popping up this week, good and bad. Both make me cry. I'm ok. But this is a milestone. And I'm feeling it.

I've told you alot about what happened. What you may have figured out by now is how it changed me. A few months ago when I was brand new to BDSM, I had limits in place, like no knives, that were a direct result of this. Those aren't hard limits for me anymore. At least not with you. I trust you enough to make almost no legal actions really off limits. Except poop stuff. That's yucky. Don't do that.

The thing I'm realizing is how I play these little games with you, to try to feel more in control. Like last night, you pulled my head down on you, and I made some excuse about my cough. It didn't aggravate my cough. I even kinda liked it. But I asked you not to, knowing you'd show your love by honoring my request. Something immediately felt wrong. And I think it's because I made that request not for my physical comfort, but my emotional comfort. I needed the reassurance that I was still in control.

I wish I could simply submit to you. I wish any of this was simple. But I'm complicated. I can be alot to deal with, I know. I'm working on giving you more, trusting you more. But it's really hard for me. I'm sorry for when my issues get in the way of your happiness. And I'm so grateful for your love and patience.

I love you, Sir.