I Am Exhausted

Good evening, Sir.

I am exhausted. Yesterday, and the weeks leading up to it, have been so draining. I have so little left. But I am yours.

The echoes of worthlessness, selfishness, stupidity resound in my whole self. I do not feel that way, but I remember the feeling so vividly, I react as though it was real. It was real. My reality was so dark, so very small, for so long. I continued to function, going about my day, fulfilling my responsibilities, giving until there was nothing left. I was lost, barely existing.

I know I have changed, though I don't really know how. If you asked me, I couldn't tell you who I was then. I was incomplete, fractured beyond recognition. I only know I have changed because where there was nothing, there is now something. I barely know myself, but I know I'm there to be known.

Today I feel empty. Emotions, actions, thoughts, flitting through me, rather than coming from me, like a breeze through an open window. I am comfortable with the hollowness. The echoes have quieted and I'm at peace. But sometimes the tears come up unexpected. I don't feel like I'm crying. The heat in my face and tension in my throat register before I even notice the tears. The thought, the memory that prompted them has already floated on, and I have no explanation for my emotion.

I am broken, empty, but I am yours, Sir. Your acceptance of my fractured self has helped me heal like nothing else I've ever experienced.

I love you, Sir.

Expectations revisited

Good morning, Sir.

I love you. I wanted to ask you some questions to help figure out where we go from here.

What do you love about our relationship? What actions, attitudes, moments, patterns, would you definitely want to keep?

What do you like about our relationship, that you're willing to live without? The luxury things, the things that make you feel extra special, but aren't the most satisfying or necessary day to day things?

What are you trying to avoid altogether? What things do you want to ensure we do not repeat, either from our relationship with each other, or previous ones?

What's your ideal going forward?

What's your biggest fear?

I'm going to answer these questions myself. I'm not going to post them yet, though. I want you to have your own answers, without being influenced by mine, then we can share them together. I can't help but wonder if maybe you and I are so caught up in being who other people want us to be, that we're ignoring the fact that we very likely want alot of the same things.

In writing my answers, the overall theme for me is this- I love you so very much, and I'm willing to work and sacrifice to make this work.

I love you, Sir.

Sir

Good morning.

I've spent a little time now choosing, rather than feeling obligated, to serve. The one thing that I'm not really ready to reintroduce right this moment is calling you Sir. It may just be a word, but to me it signifies deference. I'm not able to automatically defer to you right now. I still serve. I still love you. But I need to think for myself, do for myself. And sometimes that looks like loving and nurturing and helping you. Because I love you. And that's how I show it.

I do miss calling you Sir. But right now I need to own myself, own my own shit.

I love you.

Control Freak

Good afternoon, Sir.

This week, I've been re-remembering how much of a control freak I can be. I'm coming up on a year since I left my ex. I'm not usually big on anniversaries, but sometimes they just imprint on your psyche. Memories have just been popping up this week, good and bad. Both make me cry. I'm ok. But this is a milestone. And I'm feeling it.

I've told you alot about what happened. What you may have figured out by now is how it changed me. A few months ago when I was brand new to BDSM, I had limits in place, like no knives, that were a direct result of this. Those aren't hard limits for me anymore. At least not with you. I trust you enough to make almost no legal actions really off limits. Except poop stuff. That's yucky. Don't do that.

The thing I'm realizing is how I play these little games with you, to try to feel more in control. Like last night, you pulled my head down on you, and I made some excuse about my cough. It didn't aggravate my cough. I even kinda liked it. But I asked you not to, knowing you'd show your love by honoring my request. Something immediately felt wrong. And I think it's because I made that request not for my physical comfort, but my emotional comfort. I needed the reassurance that I was still in control.

I wish I could simply submit to you. I wish any of this was simple. But I'm complicated. I can be alot to deal with, I know. I'm working on giving you more, trusting you more. But it's really hard for me. I'm sorry for when my issues get in the way of your happiness. And I'm so grateful for your love and patience.

I love you, Sir.