Fear of Failure

Hello again Sir.

So much of my previous post was just a fear of failure. Failure as your slave, failure of this experiment. But that's what this is- an experiment. We started looking to see if this would work, you and I exploring some of our fantasies together. If this relationship structure doesn't work, we find one that will.

I love you, Sir. Always.

Master

Good morning, Sir.

I love you. This has been brewing in my head for a couple days, but I couldn't quite make sense of it till this morning.

I'd like to talk again about my expectations for you, Sir. I know the last time we spoke this was all very new, so it was hard to say what to expect. You were so kind and loving when you explained I could expect you to be communicative and listen to my concerns. That is the best answer any new slave could hope for. 

When you talked about me giving you a rim job, my initial reaction was negative, Sir. I couldn't quite figure out why. I have nothing against it, though I've never done it. But it would be submissive, and you'd like it, and I want to try new things. I've even considered doing it before, while licking your balls. Yet my gut reaction was "No!" And that actually helped me realize something very important.

I have been working hard to serve you, Sir. I love taking care of you. I love that you feel you can count on me to cook, clean, and love on you when you need it, how you need it, sometimes without you even having to ask.

I have goals in this relationship. I wanted to be your slave to learn and grow. I want to try things, to be pushed and tested. I want to feel my own limits and my strengths. We've talked about increasing my pain tolerance. But it's inconsistent. I've found myself caning my own thighs, practicing with nipple clamps, anally training myself, trying to hold my own orgasms while masturbating. I feel like I can't count on you to train me in the way that I need. I know you're very busy. I know you want a slave who can be proactive and not too needy. But I'm new.

My reaction to you asking me to lick your ass had nothing to do with the action. I simply didn't want to be asked for something else for you, when my own needs are being so inconsistently met.

I had trouble with calling you Master before for many reasons. Now it's just the one. I don't feel Mastered. I don't feel owned or trained. And that's ok. Maybe that's what you need right now. Maybe this is all you've got to give, and I understand that. You've got alot going on. But we need to figure out what reasonable expectations are. Otherwise I'm worried I'm just going to get resentful and burn out.

I love you so very much, Sir. I don't want to criticize or judge you. But we started this experiment to see if we wanted to be Master and slave. And maybe that Durant work for you right now. Or maybe I'm not someone you feel like you want to Master. I just need to know we're on the same page, Sir.

Switching

Good afternoon, Sir.

I forgot to write yesterday morning. I thought of it in the afternoon, but couldn't think of anything to write about.

Today I'm aware of my switchiness. I'm working to serve and submit to Sir and being a good little slave. But I'm also aware of my dominant side. I love when I can learn about being a dominant from Sir. He's a very good example. Not that he's perfect, but he's very good at acknowledging his imperfection and working to be better.

I'm enjoying the increased level of service. Though I don't really feel like I qualify as a slave. The word "slave" is losing much of its negative implications. But wow I don't mind being called slave, I wonder if part of that is due to the fact that I don't feel like one. I'm certainly more submissive. But I still have lots of freedom. Maybe this is simply a different slavery than what's in my mind. Maybe I am a slave, and just had the wrong idea going in. I don't know. At the end of the day, I'm not sure I care, as long as Sir is happy. The rest is just words. I just want to make his life easier, make his day better, maybe even make him smile a little.

Goodmorning, Sir

Goodmorning, Sir. This is the first journal entry. I will be chronicling my experience of our exploration of a Master/slave relationship. For anyone else reading, this experiment is entirely consensual, and follows months of friendship, romantic relationship, and Dom/sub sexual exploits. This is our relationship, and will follow what rules we as a couple, and Sir as my Master decide. As Sir so beautifully stated the other day, this can be whatever we want it to be. It does not need to fit some mold created by others of what our relationship should look like.

I'm still learning what kind of things I should be journaling about. I know I often struggle with not being aware of my emotions until they are problematic. I'm trying to learn more self-awareness and communication. I'm sure these changes to us will provoke some interesting reactions in me.

Last night I woke in the middle of the night feeling very anxious. I was, and continue to be, unable to identify the cause of my anxiety. I've loved serving Sir this weekend, but I wonder how that will change as I go back to work, and the novelty of seeing him starts to wear off.

There are two main fears and concerns I've been able to identify. One is that I will lose myself into this relationship. While I know I've taken steps to prevent this, it will likely remain a fear for a long time. I want to ensure that my own self is still acknowledged. The other is tied to this- I'm worried I will grow resentful. I love Sir, and know he is worth my service, but I can be selfish. I don't always trust that he is looking out for me, even though I know he's never shown himself to be untrustworthy. The way to prevent both of these is to continue to identify and voice my reactions to our power exchange, without the expectation that they will change the relationship, but simply in order to deal with them together in as healthy a way as possible.

In my few months exploring the world and population of BDSM, I've managed to determine what I do not want. I do not want to submit to find worth. I do not want to engage in empty performance. I do not want to lose the genuine and real connection I have with Sir. I am working on a meditation of sorts to prepare my mind in the mornings.

This is a new day.
Today I choose to serve Sir.
I choose to serve out of love for Sir.
I choose to serve not to find or increase my worth, but because Sir is worthy of my service, and I am worthy of his love.
I serve not because I am less, but because through service I become more.
I serve not because I am weak, but because through service I become stronger.
I serve because I love.

It's not perfect. Just a rough draft. But I hope you can see what I'm getting at.