Goodmorning, Sir

Goodmorning, Sir. This is the first journal entry. I will be chronicling my experience of our exploration of a Master/slave relationship. For anyone else reading, this experiment is entirely consensual, and follows months of friendship, romantic relationship, and Dom/sub sexual exploits. This is our relationship, and will follow what rules we as a couple, and Sir as my Master decide. As Sir so beautifully stated the other day, this can be whatever we want it to be. It does not need to fit some mold created by others of what our relationship should look like.

I'm still learning what kind of things I should be journaling about. I know I often struggle with not being aware of my emotions until they are problematic. I'm trying to learn more self-awareness and communication. I'm sure these changes to us will provoke some interesting reactions in me.

Last night I woke in the middle of the night feeling very anxious. I was, and continue to be, unable to identify the cause of my anxiety. I've loved serving Sir this weekend, but I wonder how that will change as I go back to work, and the novelty of seeing him starts to wear off.

There are two main fears and concerns I've been able to identify. One is that I will lose myself into this relationship. While I know I've taken steps to prevent this, it will likely remain a fear for a long time. I want to ensure that my own self is still acknowledged. The other is tied to this- I'm worried I will grow resentful. I love Sir, and know he is worth my service, but I can be selfish. I don't always trust that he is looking out for me, even though I know he's never shown himself to be untrustworthy. The way to prevent both of these is to continue to identify and voice my reactions to our power exchange, without the expectation that they will change the relationship, but simply in order to deal with them together in as healthy a way as possible.

In my few months exploring the world and population of BDSM, I've managed to determine what I do not want. I do not want to submit to find worth. I do not want to engage in empty performance. I do not want to lose the genuine and real connection I have with Sir. I am working on a meditation of sorts to prepare my mind in the mornings.

This is a new day.
Today I choose to serve Sir.
I choose to serve out of love for Sir.
I choose to serve not to find or increase my worth, but because Sir is worthy of my service, and I am worthy of his love.
I serve not because I am less, but because through service I become more.
I serve not because I am weak, but because through service I become stronger.
I serve because I love.

It's not perfect. Just a rough draft. But I hope you can see what I'm getting at.