This Hurts

I'm tired. And not completely sober. But sober enough.

I've had this fantasy for a while. Where you force me to pee on myself. It's really hot. There's more to it than that, but why bother with details now. A part of me REALLY wants to do it with you. But then I think about how you made her drink her own pee. And I cringe and cry. And I can't stop. My body convulses trying to keep my heart from being ripped out. But you're not even here. No one is touching me. Somehow I still feel the fingers clawing at my chest. Everything you did with her, figging, sandpaper, writing on her body, brings up these overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. It's like I'd be following her, instead of you. And I can't bear it. I like the idea of them in general. I'm really disappointed I can't fantasize about them or plan to do them without this deep ache in my chest. Because I would've liked that. And now I can't picture ever being ok with any of it. I hate the idea of you doing it with anyone else, and I can't imagine being ok with it myself. I wish I could.

I'm not the one who fucked up. In monogamy, it's often shared blame. Not excusing cheating. Just saying, a great relationship rarely has cheating. We should always own our own shit. But this wasn't about me. It wasn't about us at all, was it? It was about your ex.

And despite knowing that. Despite knowing you fucked up, because you're fucked up from your relationship with someone else I still feel…

Empty
Broken
Worthless
Not good enough
Alone

And I don't know what to do with it.

I feel like I wasn't submissive enough. I was too much work. I was too hesitant, too scared, required too much effort. She was easy. She submitted naturally, flawlessly, without hesitation. And I hate it.

One of my biggest fears in thinking about trying to do this again someday, is that I'm not good enough. Though I crave to be yours, you'll find someone who is more easily yours, and won't want me anymore. And that thought is unbearable to me.

I know it's not true. But I feel it as deeply as if it was. This is the reality of my soul, even if it's not what my brain knows to be true.

I crave to be taken deeper. I have no desire to walk that path with anyone else. But I also cannot walk it with you. I am paralyzed.

I'm considering a somewhat drastic request. I want it to be a conversation. But I think my reasoning is sound. I'm thinking about asking you not to take on another sub until you have trained me. I don't know when I'll be ready for that, or how it will happen, or what it would look like. All I know is you've told submissive strangers you have experience in daily control, and are willing to train. I want to be poly. But I question whether I would be able to handle you training someone else before me. I could have before this. But only just barely. And this has shattered my sense of security with you. I'm not sure it's stable enough to withstand you being with another submissive.

I'm willing and even excited to go some pretty dark places. I'd need your support and patience. I'm working to ensure I'm setting limits according to my own needs, not to try to keep you from finding someone better. We share a surprising amount of fantasies. I'm curious to see if our lines are similar when it comes to making these fantasies real.

As always, I love you.

Home

Good evening, Sir.

Today's post isn't really about us, Sir. It's mostly about me. But it might be helpful for you to know. And it's definitely helpful for me to write about it.

Today I realized what I've been grieving for. I've been dealing with some memories and unresolved shit from leaving my ex a year ago. I decided to revisit the city I lived in for 5 years with him. As I was driving,  getting closer to where I used to call home, I had an urge to listen to Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. That was the last thing he and I got excited about together. We never really had a song, but the closest thing was their song Home.

"Home, let me go home
Home is wherever I'm with you"

I miss having a home. A place that's mine. I've spent the last year living in other people's homes, comfortable, happy, sage. But not mine. Even now, my home doesn't feel like mine. I just rent a room in it. I miss feeling the security, the sense of ownership.

It extends beyond a physical home, too. I miss feeling that home feeling with someone. I'm realizing how much fear still controls my choices. I do enjoy what I'm learning from poly, about myself, about other people. But I'm also aware that I chose poly out of a reluctance to commit too much of myself to any one person. I've moved away from that motivation somewhat. But it's still there.

Please know I'm very much speaking out of emotions right now. These next couple of weeks may be difficult for me. I'm not looking to change any decisions. Just feeling things, Sir. I love you so very much, Sir.