Spanking

Good morning, Sir.

Last night, I cried for the first time during a spanking. I was embarrassed at the time, but overall I'm satisfied. I had been wondering what it would take to bring me to that point. Of course, Sir was wonderful and cuddled me immediately. I would almost have preferred he keep going than having to show him my tears. But that's just my own pride.

Sir and I also talked about my refusal of sex the previous night. He is so good to me. He wants to ensure he's not asking too much, since we're experimenting and not wanting to affect too much of the other aspects of our lives. Sir said maybe some day we will create a rule around it, but there really wasn't one at the time.

Then this morning, it struck me. To make a rule around not being able to refuse sex would be consensual non-consent. I'm ok with that, but it would require a pretty important conversation. The part of me that still felt vaguely guilty about the night before was the part that simply assumed I was supposed to just have sex whenever he wanted it, regardless of what I wanted. That may eventually be a part of our relationship. But it isn't right now, and hasn't been for us before.

I feel like I'm learning so much.

On Limits

Good morning, Sir.

Today I wanted to write about what's been on my mind. It's about natural limits. I've been learning to pay attention to my emotional limits and boundaries, and exploring my physical ones.

Last night I refused to have sex with Sir. I was exhausted. I've been sleeping less than I'm used to, since I've been waking up to serve him breakfast. Not much less, just an hour or two. But it caught up with me. I'm having a million clashing reactions. I'm feeling guilty, justified, sad, curious, and yes, still tired. This morning, my sleepy thoughts went as follows- I should have just had sex with him.

I'm glad we've found a place to start learning. I'm figuring out how to accept this as a normal reaction and deciding what the options are for dealing with it. At the end of the day, I'm just one person. I have work and personal relationships, and there are many people who want things from me throughout the day. Physically, this is tiring.

Something interesting happened yesterday. I'm waiting to see if it becomes a regular occurrence. One fear of mine was that increased expectations of service in this relationship would result in less energy left for other people. But yesterday, though I was physically tired, I found myself feeling emotionally energized and connected with others. I wonder if it's connected with serving and learning to put another's needs before my own. I'm curious to see if it continues.