All My Love

Good morning!

I really miss you. I have all these things I want to do with you, all these things I want to talk to you about. But it's hard. Sometimes I feel so separate from your life. I was laying here thinking about what I wished we could've done on the last trip, realizing that we might not always get to do everything we want together. That's part of being long distance. And it sucks.

I'm struggling with myself still. I'm not very good at talking about how I feel. I think I tend to go on and on about other people's relationships because it feels safer to let out my thoughts when I'm not talking about myself. That's not to say all of it applies to me. But I do the same kind of thinking about myself. And I don't always know how to share it.

I think one of the reasons I'm so interested in pain play these days is I'm really struggling to communicate during sex. I don't have the same kind of hang ups with pain that I do with sex, but it still requires active consent and good communication. I want to feel that intimacy without the baggage I'm working through around sex.

I was reading an entry on FL yesterday about referring to a partner as "mine" in the context of a poly relationship. It got me thinking about how we say that we give each other all our love. And for my part, I do. You have 100% of my love. And it doesn't depreciate it at all. Even if I love others, you still have all of my love.

I really love you!

What I Want

Hi love.

I'm trying to piece together what's been going on with me recently. And I realized something the other day. When I went looking for a therapist this summer, one of the things I wanted to look at was the fact that I couldn't see further than a few months ahead. It wasn't so much that I doubted I had a future, but my past had made it impossible for me to plan or even guess what it might look like. I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but that's changed. I'm thinking more long term. Not definite plans per se. But I'm prioritizing differently. It feels significant.

While my current emotional state is annoyingly complex, it can ultimately be boiled down to one thing- I'm still learning that I don't have to do what I don't want to do, and that what I want matters. That's the common thread in my realizations about relationship roles or living together. It's not so much that I don't want to serve you or live with you. I'm just still learning that I can actually do what I want. I don't need to accommodate others unconditionally. I can choose to live my personal life to suit my own needs, even if those are the same needs that I'm ashamed and angry to have in the first place.

I'm still not entirely comfortable having needs. I've compromised my own desires relationally and even sexually in the past, and it's brought me to places I don't like. I feel obligated to give people what they want. I'm terrified of disappointing people, because ultimately I'm terrified of rejection. I've been working through a bunch of old stuff recently. It's exhausting and unsettling, but I already feel it's worth it. I hope that feeling continues, because I'm not really sure when this will resolve.

I love you so much.

Clarity

Good morning!

I woke up today with clarity. My mood has been slowly improving. But today's the first time in a little while I actually feel clear headed. It's a relief.

I get insecure sometimes. I'm not a simple person. I've got baggage. But unfortunately, the same baggage that underpins my insecurities, also makes it unbelievably difficult for me to talk about them sometimes.

When I feel insecure or stressed I often fall into old patterns, specifically, into feeling like I'm not supposed to have feelings or needs. Particularly when I know you're stressed as well, I struggle with myself, with the internalized message that my problems aren't so bad, that I need to stop whining and just handle them, that I shouldn't need help, and I definitely shouldn't bother anyone. I feel this weird pressure to have no needs, to just be this pristine helper and healer. I want to fix all your problems, and have none of my own. Because that's how life works, right?

I'm ashamed of not having it together. Not of the cutesy humorous stuff, but of the real, my-mistakes-and-shortcomings-affect-other-people's-lives-negatively shit. I hate owning up to stuff because all my life I've been made to feel like my mistakes made me a terrible person. I know I don't have to. But it's hard to break that kind of conditioning.

I want to ask that if you're dealing with something, you let me know. If you can't listen to me sometimes because of your own life stuff, just tell me. It would be comforting to know I'm not an imposition. But I don't want to put all that on you.

I want to be a positive influence in your life. I want to be the one you come to when you're hurting or scared or angry. I want to do the same with you, but sometimes the words catch in my throat, and I'm not sure why. So I just strangle on them quietly, preferring not to bother you, thinking that if I'm stupid enough to have problems I deserve to deal with them alone. Completely illogical, but still so fucking embedded in my mind.

I love you! Thank you for working on facing these uncomfortable emotions with me. I know you tend to keep things in sometimes, too, for your own reasons. But when I see you face them and address them and give them words, I feel encouraged and so intimate with you. So I keep trying, too.

Words mean things

Good morning love!

I'm in a weird emotional state this morning. I've been struggling the last few weeks, trying to figure out what I want. This post may ramble some, but I'm feeling quite jumbled today.

Words mean things. This simple sentence explains huge portions of the fights I've had with you. When you used to engage with women online in a way where they behaved like your sub or slave, even if you felt ambivalent, even if there was almost no chance of you ever meeting, it hurt. Because words mean things to me. Those felt like relationships to me, even if they didn't to you.

I tend to fantasize quite a bit. I live a lot of my life in my head. When we make plans, even half-hearted ones, I can latch on and get very attached. It's not your fault. But when things fall through, like movies, or road trips, even if there are very good reasons and I cognitively understand, it still hurts me.

You've said before that you can see this being a forever relationship. As terrifying as it is to me, I can too. To me, this means I want to be mentioned to potential other partners. I've never had a conversation with someone and not mentioned you, or at least the fact that I'm in a committed long-distance relationship. If that's not a place you're at right now, I do understand. Distance is hard, and it's only been a year. I know I've been struggling recently, and talking about the different ways I see us. I wonder if maybe living together for you is part of the forever relationship. I know the assumptions I make aren't necessarily the only way to do things, or even the best way. I want to really talk about all of this with you, but I'm scared.

I'm noticing a hesitation to talk to you about emotional stuff right now. I'm really struggling with the vulnerability of being intimate with someone so far away. I'm learning to accept the fact that you might mean more to me than I do to you. Or maybe not, I don't really know.

I know I love you, and I know you love me too. Those words mean things, too.

Worthless, pt.2

Ugh, this word is still bouncing around my head.

I'm a lot more damaged that I realized. I'm starting to see that my diminished interest in sex and kink is directly tied to my struggle with feeling worthless and my lack of trust in general. I am feeling very uncomfortable with vulnerability. Sex can feel very vulnerable. With you it doesn't; or at least I'm comfortable enough with you that I don't mind feeling vulnerable. But submission really does.

The close of 2015 is making me think back over the year. And back further to 2014. I have made a lot of changes, mostly positive this year. But I started out in a very bad place. I had dropped out of grad school. I was emotionally unstable. I was broke, and technically homeless. I think one of the reasons I attached so strongly to you was that you genuinely wanted to know me, and liked me at a time when I didn't know or like myself. I had unrealistic expectations of you because for those first weeks and months you were like a savior to me. I worshipped you. Now that I've seen your flaws, I don't necessarily worship you anymore. But I know you, and I like you, and I love you more than anyone else in the world, flaws and all. I really want you to be happy.

I have no idea what my life or our relationship will look like in the future. My strong attachment to my own definitions of consent is very much tied to what I'm currently working through and trying to make sense of. I have ignored other people's opinions for much of my life because I know how easily swayed I can be by them. When I let someone get close to me, their opinion often starts to matter to me more than my own. I want to not need you, so that when I choose to love and serve you in whatever way I do, it will be truly consensual. I don't want to submit to please you so that I can feel validated. I want to be secure in myself so that however I'm showing my love to you is about who you actually are.

To summarize, I'm a mess but I love you.

Anniversary

I really miss you.

I'm not usually super into anniversaries. I like to remember them, to spend time focusing on the relationship, past, present, and future. But I'm not looking for gifts or fanfare.

This one highlights the fact that we're not together. And it really hurts. I really miss you.

We've been so stressed recently. And I just want to be there for you.

I love you.

1072 Miles

I couldn't fall asleep again after we talked last night. I felt so far away from you. We've been doing so very well, but I knew there would be difficult days. This is one of them.

I miss you. I'm anxious and I worry. I feel like everyone breaks up eventually and I wonder if that will happen to us. It's hard for me to believe there's a chance it won't. I know it seems like I have all the company here, but they really don't help when I miss you. And that's disappointing because I'm realizing on some level that's why I have them. Which maybe isn't the best for them, either.

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing so well, but then I wonder if that's just in contrast to how I used to be. Which isn't to say it's not valuable. But I still have a way to go towards feeling healthy and well.

I love you. I'm feeling each of the 67,921,920 inches separating us right now. And it really hurts.

Worthless

Good morning my love.

I had a weird experience with B last weekend. It brought to light the fact that I don't really trust him. I've known for a while that he can't tell the difference between when I'm feeling pleasure or pain. He typically errs on the positive, believing I'm enjoying myself even if I'm not. I really don't think this is malicious in any way. Just immature. He lives like someone who hasn't fucked up enough to know what to look for. But this ignorance, combined with my insecurities around rejection, has lead to some situations that have damaged my trust.

I'm trying to work through things. I know that in some ways at least blame is shared. I also know I tend to be very hard on myself, and want to try to remain balanced. I'm anxious about how to bring this up to B. How much to share to allow for growth from this, instead of more damage.

But more than any of that, I spent the week disoriented and numb. I was shaken by just how much my issues have impacted my perspective and my actions. I've been thinking I've been doing so well, and in many ways that's true. I've come very far. But this week, I realized there's still a part of me that feels worthless. There's still a part that doesn't dare voice what I really want for fear of rejection. It's paralyzing and it's lead me to allow some unhealthy expectations of myself and my relationships.

I'm not sure how this plays out. I'm not sure where resolution will come from. For now, I am accepting it. It just is. I feel lighter knowing about it, like I was so ashamed of being ashamed that I hid it from myself to protect myself. I'm actively tuning in to myself, like I did when you and I started dating, trying to figure out what I want and asking for it. I hate how easy it is for me to ignore what's going on inside my head.

For whatever reason, my relationship with you doesn't seem to have been affected as much by this round of self-discovery. You and I have had our fair share of issues. But ultimately they've forced me to be very genuine and immediate with you. All of our shared crazy has helped me learn how to handle these things with you. Thank you for being supportive when you're able, and being willing to be uncomfortable and in pain along side me. Thank you for growing with me. Thank you for being the one person I can share this with, without shame or fear, when I couldn't even do that with myself. I love you more than I could ever say.

I really love you

Good morning love.

I just woke up. Spontaneously fully awake. And you had messages me just a few minutes before, loving me and wishing we could have talked. I had fallen asleep with the lights on, my phone in my hands, and my arms wrapped around a pillow. But I fell asleep thinking about you, feeling so very loved.

I was poking around online and read a line from Pablo Neruda

But I love your feet
only because they walked
upon the earth an upon
the wind and upon the waters,
until they found me.

And I started thinking about how some people are into foot worship. And while I think it's gross, and you'd be ticklish and uncomfortable, I love your feet, too! I would love on them if you wanted me too.

In my last entry I mentioned that I'm questioning if I'm really submissive. And I am still questioning. But there's no doubt in my mind that I love you, and that I genuinely love serving you because you love it.

I mentioned on our date (which I probably shouldn't have, I don't actually remember all of that night) that I'd realized why I react so strongly in some situations with you. It's a complex reaction really, with layers from different times, and different emotions. Ultimately, I'm absolutely terrified of losing you. I love you so very much. But I fear not being good enough. I worry that if I say no to something, you'll love me less. In part, this fear is from when you cheated. But that reaction has held on strongly, because the roots were already there. Not being good enough has been a theme of the love I've experienced for much of my life. And it feels normal for me to jump back there. I can imagine this seems very sudden and illogical to you, but it's unfortunately quite a natural place for me to be. I don't expect you to do anything with this information. But I hope knowing it will make those moments less overwhelming for both of us.

Right now, I'm grateful for the separation. I hate it, but I see how useful it is in forcing me to truly own myself. I try very hard to blame you for things, but that's more difficult to do with you so far away. And I can no longer worry that your interest is purely sexual, or that you'd find someone better and lose interest in me. Part of it is that I'm growing as a person. But much of it is due to the fact that we can still choose to love each other well, even when the apparent benefits of this relationship have dwindled somewhat. I love you!

Power and Independence

I've been thinking a lot about power exchange recently. I realized that I have never felt a desire to submit to anyone but you. And that makes me think I'm not a submissive. I love you, and want to make you happy. But the idea of me serving as your slave on day is losing luster. My focus is shifting towards myself and fulfilling my own desires. And I'm realizing that's not one of them. I dream of living alone. I'm enjoying the freedom of coming and going as I please, without the all too familiar tug of codependent guilt pulling me towards someone. I'm seeing how blurred my boundaries become when I'm so close to someone; I'm viewing the fear that motivates those displays of "love", melding desire and insecurity into neediness. It's exhausting.

I'm seeking balance. I want the reason AND the passion. I'm tired of swinging wildly between the two. I need the physical separation. I hated it, and still do some days. But I need it, to remind myself that I am I, and you are you. I don't want to love you simply because I've bled so much of myself into you. I want to see you, you know you, and to love you, with or without me.

This may not be forever. Things rarely are, especially feelings and dreams. But this is where I am now. I love you.

Rope

As I was falling asleep last night, I was thinking over our conversation. At one point you said something about how rope could be used for many different things. And my silly brain started thinking of my relationships here as ropes. But where you're afraid they'll tie me to this place, that's really not how I'm using them. Right now, I'm not worried about that. Instead I'm making a net. Because my biggest fear is that this won't work out. That I'll try my hardest, but still come crashing back here. And they're what will keep me from hitting too hard, if that's what happens.

I think it says something about us, that our biggest fear is not being together.

I love you so very much!

I love you!

Good morning baby! I  hope you're still asleep, but I wanted to comment on your journal.

I love you so very much.

In your section about "Insecurities" you mentioned feeling a fear that our intimacy will be lessened. I feel the same fear. I think it has to do with the fact that, because of distance, our intimacy looks very different now. And it requires us to be more deliberate in maintaining it. I don't think that's illogical at all. But I do know you and I have been really committed to building that intimacy despite the distance. That's why I feel that exhilaration after you do things like call me out or share your anxiety. The conversation itself is uncomfortable, but the increase in intimacy with you is like a drug. I always want more of that.

Also, I don't see comparing relationships as hugely problematic. Comparing people can be judgmental and hurtful, because it's putting yourself in a place where you're saying one or more humans should be different to suit your expectations. That's just weird. But relationships aren't people. They're a connection that you were largely responsible for creating, building, and changing or ending. Comparing relationships can be very useful in figuring out what you want, what you don't, what behaviors or words make you feel important, loved, and safe, and which ones do the opposite. Your observations about your previous relationships are super helpful for me to learn what's important to you (like sex, active listening, and respect) and what's feels damaging or stifling to you. I know with S comparing the relationship might essentially just be judging her as a person right now, because you're emotional. The ending of that is very immediate, and it's ok to struggle with that. But as you've said, you're friends with most of your ex's. Comparing relationships with them clearly doesn't mean you hate them as people. It just means you're able to see at this point what works for you and what doesn't. And what works for you is so insanely important to me.

Also, I'm becoming more away of how things have changed and are changing because of us becoming long distance. I knew it would be a big adjustment, but I'm realizing the first couple things I'm seeing change are, 1) you're reacting to my other experiences and people differently, and 2) we're having to give more time towards talking about how we're doing emotionally. I think in some ways, drastically changing our relationship dynamic (again) could be really helpful. We both started this with no real healthy experience in poly. We've learned so much in the last 10 months, and I feel like this is giving u the chance to sort of review. I'm looking back over our relationship, and seeing what I like, what I don't, what I've read about and want to see more of, etc. And I think you are, in some ways, too. And I like that. I feel like I'm mentally transitioning from having this be a fun experiment, to really wanting to figure out goals for my and our future within the constructs of poly. I have ideals that I shoot for, not with the expectation I'll hit them, but with the hope I'll be able to see my actions and events within the context of who I want to be for myself and for you. As an example, I think we've both expressed an interest in wanting at least some amount of conversation with other partners to be available. And the knowledge that you share that value is changing how I'm making decisions about whether or not/how to go forward with M (new guy from Saturday).

I really really love you alot.

Fear and Love

I have lived most of my life in fear. It's the defining emotion and motivator of my nearly 3 decades on this planet. And it's been closely tied to love for most of that time.

Growing up, the love my parents presented was from themselves and from their religion. Both loves were tied to fear. Both loves were called unconditional, but were described with conditions. I was always terrified of fucking up, terrified of not deserving the love, of losing it. And I was right to be. SO many parts of me, from my queerness, my inquisitiveness, my competitiveness, weren't "right", needed to be eradicated, so that I could be loved. So I did it. I was taught early on, if I was messed up and not deserving of the love I wanted, it was up to me to remove the offending aspects of myself, regardless of how much it hurt to do so. I ended up fractured, scattered.

My ex brought a new version of fear and love. I spent years thinking I needed to help him, to fix him. I somehow thought it was possible. If I failed, he would get angry, and say horrible things. If I failed, he would threaten me and try to hurt me, or even kill me. If I failed, he would kill himself. If I failed, none of that mattered, anyway, because a failure doesn't deserve to be loved, so why keep living? Again, fear and love, tied together so tightly I have to force myself not to type inextricably linked. Because I can't believe it's inextricable.

With you, the fear is there. There's fear of loss, of pain. And much of it is warranted. I've been hurt, by others, by you. And to love is to risk almost unbearable pain. But I'm becoming aware of how detrimental this fear is. How much it limits me. How sneakily it works to push you away. My jealousy is mostly insecurity, but it often plays out as emotional self-harm. I push you, damage us, to ensure that any pain I suffer is of my own making. I'm desperate to not be rejected. I want to feel like I'm controlling it. But I can't.

In some ways, staying with you, fighting for our relationship, is the biggest act of submission possible for me. It's imperfect, and sometimes I still fight for control. But ultimately, I'm giving you the ability to hurt me. I'm working hard not to try to take over for the false sense of security it brings. I want to trust you with my everything. Little by little, I want to give you my fear. In some ways these bizarre emotional outbursts are just that. With my family, my faith, my ex, I never expressed this fear. Not once. Because to be aware of the fear made me feel automatically unworthy of the love. You fucking terrify me. And every time I tell you that, every time I scream it in your face, know that what I'm actually doing is trusting you with the idea that sometimes I don't feel worthy of being loved. I'm trusting you to show me again that I'm wrong. I love you so very much. Fear is a weird gift for someone you love, but that's what I'm giving you.

What I Want

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I thought I wasn't handling this well...

I was feeling guilty for dropping this on you this morning. I was going to write an apology. But then I re-read my last three posts. And I realized, I've been feeling uncomfortable with this girl since you first mentioned her to me. And so far, you really haven't done anything to help me with that.

Sure, I've had realizations that have helped me. But you haven't been helpful. You haven't actively sought to build my trust with this. You mention her to me, I have trust issues and freak out, I resolve it. And again this week- you mention her to me, I have trust issues and freak out, and instead of resolving it on my own, I decided to ask for help. I'm sorry that the asking for help resulted in an unexpected emotional outburst. But quite frankly, you've done nothing to help me feel better about you and this girl since this happened the last time. I know you're busy. I know you have other things going on. But if you want me to trust you, you have to put in the work. I've told you exactly what I need from you. And this is the first time you might actually have virtually met someone you could see something happening with. So why do you think you can drop this information on me casually, not offering the information I've asked for (and you agreed to) to help me cope, and expect me to cope well?

I don't know how else to do this. I don't know what else you want. I want to get to a place where I can glow with compersion, where I can be happy you're getting what you need. And I know I can get to that place, because I've been there before. A few days before the trust that was necessary for that to happen was smashed. I'm trying to do what I can to tell you what's going on with me. I'm trying to give you ideas on what I need from you to rebuild this. I can't rebuild alone. You don't get trust and submission without earning it. I've given you opportunities. I've told you when I'm uncomfortable and why. Yet somehow this same situation with the same girl happened twice in the space of a month. And you did the exact same things. And I refuse to feel guilty for having the exact same reaction. 

I definitely understand why you like this girl. She's sweet, cute, attractive. But I needed that information before you exchanged numbers and talked fantasies and relationship expectations. Or right when it happened. I don't like that she doesn't want you talking about your other partners with her, to me that screams denial. I don't like that you talked about pushing a hard limit with her. I don't like that I'm pretty sure she'd be uncomfortable with the fact that I read those messages and saw those photos when she doesn't want to know I exist. Honestly, if you can't tell the other people you're talking to that you've agreed to let me read your conversations, check out their profiles, or potentially even contact them myself, I don't think you should be talking to them. I don't think you thought about your conversations with her in light of the agreements you made with me, and that's very troubling. 

I love you. So very much. But I need you to pay a little more attention to what you're doing. 

Jumbled

Good evening! I love you. I'm a little tipsy, so I'm not as eloquent as always. But here's what I've been thinking about.

I'm really struggling with you leaving. Let me start by saying I know you're doing nothing wrong. You told me about this from the beginning, and I loved you anyway. You don't need to change anything. But this really hurts. Sometimes I feel like you're abandoning me. I keep thinking about how this might be the last time in a long time that I feel like my whole self is in one place. And it hurts. I would never ask you to stay. Your life is there now. But god, I wish you could stay.

I'm really scared about what happens next. Not right away. But eventually. I'm going to have to make some big decisions. And whatever I pick, I'm going to deal with some major losses. And I'm scared.

This grief is bringing up some feelings about when you cheated. I guess it makes sense. The biggest fear now, just like then, was that I was missing out. The part of me that's scared of being abandoned is remembering when you gave away pleasure you had promised me. Not my pleasure. Yours. But you said I could have it. It still hurts sometimes. I still want it, even though it's gone.

And that brings me to my final point. I know I said I'd love you even if we weren't kinky. And I will. But I miss it. I really fucking miss being yours. And the thing is, I'm still yours. I'm just waiting for you to figure out how to take me. You've consistently sought submission while shying away from responsibility. Sometimes I think you chose to take other people's submission before mine because you'd feel less guilty about not providing for them. But that's not an option with me. So whenever you figure out how to be my Sir, I'm here. I'm waiting. You can take me. You don't have to ask. But you better be sure you can handle it. I used to ask you what I could expect from you. Now I know what I expect, at least a little. I believe you are going to be able to give it to me. Until then, I'll wait. I love you.  I really, really do.

Fucking Emotions

Good morning, love.

After taking some time, the real cause of my emotional reaction has become more and more clear. I've talked to you about some of this already. But essentially it's not that I feel I'm owed something. It's just that I've put so much of myself into this relationship, and I'm scared that when you leave, I'm going to lose it.

I love you so much. There are going to be other girls (and guys) who want to serve you, who share your fantasies, who arouse your mind and body. But I can't imagine serving anyone else. I know it might seem like I'm the one with all the partners, the freedom to explore. But really, you're irreplaceable to me. That's not to say that I'm not irreplaceable to you. It's just that your sex with other people might look alot like your sex with me. And that's scary sometimes. Even though I know the sex isn't the same as the relationship.

You are my Dom, my Sir, my Master. You always have been. I can't imagine a time when you won't be. We may not engage in a power exchange, but the power is still there. You have it. It's absolutely terrifying, but you do.

I love watching you get stronger as yourself. Telling people who you are instead of letting them tell you who you should be. It struck me the other day that one of the most repeated conversations we had while I was your slave was around what I could expect from you. You couldn't tell me. You didn't know. That's becoming less and less true, and it's so beautiful.

I love you. I'm scared of all the things that means, all the ways it could impact my life, but I love you anyway. And I'm not going to stop.

Delayed Reaction

Well, that was unexpected. I think I sort of prepped myself for your "update" yesterday. I know how sensitive you can be to my reactions, and I don't want to throw you off from pursuing experiences that will make you happy. But the real reaction came this morning. Like a zamboni.

I'm still really angry. Not about the betrayal so much. But I feel like I paid for something I didn't get. And hearing that you're talking about giving it to someone else who didn't pay nearly as much is really hurtful. And it's pissing me the fuck off.

As your slave, I pushed myself hard. I kept schedules, did chores I dislike, focused on you before myself. I faced past trauma, fears, and things I don't understand or that I find pretty gross. And I was open. I wanted to give you whatever I could to make you happy. This included a rape scene. I was pretty excited about it, too. But it still scared me. I agreed to not one, but two of my soft limits for you in the space of the scene. I let myself enter into subspace for the first and only time. I gave you everything.

I didn't get what I paid for. I didn't get to try my new things. Maybe you were feeling our lack of connection at that point, but that's on you. But the gifts I had so carefully selected and wrapped and presented at great cost to myself went unopened and unused. I didn't get to share my subspace with you, either. I was your slave, but you weren't my Master. I was your victim, but you weren't my rapist. I didn't get what I paid for.

I'm still pretty emotional. So I'm trying not to make sweeping statements demanding what I deserve before you give it to anyone else. But I will remind you I need to "meet" this person before you do anything with her.

I thought I was more over this. And in many ways I am. But I'm losing you, and I hate it. Because you're bringing so much of me with you. And dammit, I want what I paid for.

Your Fantasy

Good morning!

Just catching up on some of your messages, and I noticed you brought up the fantasy of having a dinner party where your girl serves you and then becomes dessert. I wanted to let you know, that one is actually pretty important to me. That's one you shared with me a long time ago, when we were first dating. Looking back, I think it was how you gauged my interest in BDSM. My reaction was anxiety. I didn't know you well, I was still learning to trust you, and I didn't feel in control of my relationship with you. But at the same time, I was falling for you. So this fantasy of your is tied to that time in my life, for me.

I confess, hearing you talk about it with another girl, even one you will almost certainly never meet, brought up a similar anxiety. I wanted to claim that fantasy as mine. But it isn't mine. It's yours. And then I realized, if you ever make that fantasy a reality, I DO want to be involved. But it doesn't actually matter to me what capacity I'm involved in. Maybe there's two slaves. Maybe I'm a guest, or cohost with you. Maybe you're really mean and tie me in a corner and don't let me play. Doesn't matter. I don't have to be the center of your fantasy. I just want to be involved in your life. I want to be there to see your face as you watch this fantasy play out. I want to see your happiness, your lust, your fulfillment. That's the part I'm jealous of. The rest doesn't matter.

I love you very very much.

On a related note, I am interested in group scenes, particularly those involving consensual non-consent. It would probably take some work before I'd be ready to do it without having a panic attack. But I've often fantasized about being tied to a bed and blindfolded and having people come in and fuck me and leave, or going to a play party and being used by multiple people at once, or even borrowed your service fantasy on occasion :)

more fantasies

Hello again!

Just so you know, anal training and stretching is a particular fetish of mine. I know there's a moderate amount of risk, depending on how you do it. And I'm not great at it at all. But I LOVE watching it, and would be very proud of myself if I could accomplish something like that. I would absolutely love to have you help me work on that if you'd like.

Also, I'd love to be tied down tight and tickled. I'd hate it and probably need to be gagged, but it would be alot of fun. Especially if you went back and forth, tickling and hitting and teasing. Hitting me until I can't stand it and switching to tickling, until I can't stand that and I'm begging to go back to being hurt. 

It would be fun. Just saying.