I've been thinking a lot about power exchange recently. I realized that I have never felt a desire to submit to anyone but you. And that makes me think I'm not a submissive. I love you, and want to make you happy. But the idea of me serving as your slave on day is losing luster. My focus is shifting towards myself and fulfilling my own desires. And I'm realizing that's not one of them. I dream of living alone. I'm enjoying the freedom of coming and going as I please, without the all too familiar tug of codependent guilt pulling me towards someone. I'm seeing how blurred my boundaries become when I'm so close to someone; I'm viewing the fear that motivates those displays of "love", melding desire and insecurity into neediness. It's exhausting.
I'm seeking balance. I want the reason AND the passion. I'm tired of swinging wildly between the two. I need the physical separation. I hated it, and still do some days. But I need it, to remind myself that I am I, and you are you. I don't want to love you simply because I've bled so much of myself into you. I want to see you, you know you, and to love you, with or without me.
This may not be forever. Things rarely are, especially feelings and dreams. But this is where I am now. I love you.
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