Trust

Good morning.

Trust isn't coming back as easily as I'd hoped. I'm still snooping, still feeling left out, still not trusting that you're doing the right thing. Most of me is normal, mostly unaffected. I still feel like a valuable human, good at my job, I know you love me. But my submissive side is absolutely shattered. I'm broken. I feel like I gave you everything I possibly could, and you still sought out other people to fantasize and practice with. I've explored fisting a little. I really like what I've done, and would love to try more with you. (And just for clarification, I was unaware that's what was happening at the time. He didn't tell me till after I came how much of his hand was in me). I would LOVE to be anally trained, even to the point of being able to take a fist. When did you stop talking to me? When did you stop telling me your fantasies? When I told you about my rape fantasies was probably the most close to any person I have ever felt. I've been fantasizing about so many things in the past months, but haven't shared them with you. Maybe I should have spoken up first. But I guess neither of of really felt safe. For my part, I'm sorry.

Today I decided to read your conversations with FDI. She seems so sweet, and great, and I'm glad you have had a friend. While there are minor pangs of jealousy, she actually seems really good for you. But in reading your messages to her, especially around the first week of last month, I have to ask a really terrifying question.

Did you cheat on me to get me to break up with you so you could give your marriage another try?

When I started talking to you, before we even met, I had two thoughts about you and me. The first was the belief that we would be temporary, that we would end when you moved back to the midwest. That's changed somewhat throughout the relationship, with times I'm sure I'm going to follow you, and times I'm certain I'll stay. But when we started, I believed that would be the end of us. The second was a decision I made with myself, that I would never knowingly get between you and S. Even when you were talking about splitting, even as you decided to divorce, even when I realized that I was a catalyst to that decision, I still never believed that I was between you two. I influenced your life, but you made your own decision. I'm concerned that you have put me between you, in a role I never agreed or intended to play. I need you to decide what you want. I personally believe that, while the two of you maybe have some unfinished business, the likelihood of forever for you two is minimal. When you first started talking about divorce, your timeline was 3-5 years. I believe that shows great insight. But at the same time, you and I have built our lives around the idea that people can heal and change. I'm not asking you to predict the future. But I need to know, where you stand now, that I'm not what's keeping you from trying again. I love you, but I refuse to be that for you.